


The Dance

by Sophia_Bee



Category: Gossip Girl
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Fluff, Marriage, Postpartum Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-07
Updated: 2014-09-07
Packaged: 2018-02-16 10:30:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 31
Words: 76,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2266374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sophia_Bee/pseuds/Sophia_Bee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fifteen years post S5 finale. Blair has been living in Paris, managing Waldorf Designs. She returns to New York for a wedding and everything changes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. An Invitation Almost Discarded

**Author's Note:**

> this is a work of love on my part, dedicated to all the Dair fans out there.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes your life is about to change and you don't even know it.

Nate is getting married. He’s thirty five and finally settling down, and Blair is even more surprised to find out who he’s marrying when she rips open the heavy cream colored envelope with the perfect calligraphy. 

Serena.

It’s Serena’s second marriage and Blair is glad she and Nate found each other. Serena has had a tough last fifteen years, or at least that’s what Blair has heard. In and out of rehab. At least one major scandal in the press. Nothing big in the past few years and Blair hadn’t even heard that she and Nate were dating. 

She doesn’t keep up with any of the old crowd. Not since leaving New York. Blair has been living in Paris for the past fifteen years, running Waldorf Designs, building it into an even bigger empire, and with her mom and Cyrus travelling to see her often and her dad in Paris as well, there was no reason to return. She oversees five different labels now, manages an entire design house and is just starting to spread into the Asian markets. Her days are filled with meetings and marketing strategies. She’s not the 21 year old girl who fled to Paris to build a new life. She’s grown-up. 

Blair throws the invitation on the console table in the hallway of her modern chic apartment. It’s been featured in several design magazines, which is what happens when you have money to buy the best interior decorators. Blair has agreed to be photographed for each of the articles, always dressed in simple chic, her hair pulled back, every bit the successful business woman. They always include a little about her personal life, that she is a patron of the arts, that she has a foundation that supports up and coming designers. It’s good PR for Waldorf Designs to feature their kind and benevolent dictator. 

The days of Queen B are gone. She’s grown up. It’s no longer about scheming to get what she wants. It’s about hard work and long hours and eating dinner alone at the counter in her kitchen. 

The wedding is in a month. Blair knows they’ll be in the middle of planning for fashion week and they have their Hong Kong store opening, and she’s expecting to be very busy so she should send an expensive gift and her regrets and call it done. But it’s Nate. Nate, who has always been her friend, despite their doomed romance, and that seems so long ago and silly to her now. And it’s Serena. She had left New York on terrible terms with her best friend, but now that seemed like something in a different lifetime. 

Something tugs at Blair, like the past reaching out and pulling her towards it, and she stops and turns around and picks up the invitation again. 

Maybe she’ll go after all. 

Blair picks up her phone and texts her assistant and tells her to clear her schedule for the first week in June. She’s finally going back home. 

When Blair steps out of the town car and onto the sidewalk outside the penthouse she’s struck by how much has changed as well as by how little has. It’s still New York in the spring. 

It’s not like she hasn’t been back to New York since leaving fifteen years ago. Waldorf Designs has a big show during fashion week, and there are a lot of new designs coming out of NYC, but it’s always been for business, flying in, breakfast of champions in hotel restaurants, meeting after meeting after meeting, then collapsing into her old, familiar bed in the penthouse just to get up and do it all over again. She’s always glad she kept the penthouse just for this reason, because her schedule was always so manic that it was nice to sleep somewhere that mostly felt like home. 

Dorota greets Blair when she steps off the elevator. Blair notices that her beloved housekeeper has even more gray hair and asks how the kid are doing. Dorota chatters on about school and college applications and Blair remembers how crazy that time was. She tells Dorota that she’s sure things will work out and makes a mental note to have her assistant send a graduation gift to Dorota’s oldest. 

Blair’s heels click across the marble floor and she always has a strange wave of nostalgia when she walks into the penthouse. Things seemed so complicated here but she now realises it was just the chaos of growing up, of figuring out who she was. It was just the prologue to the rest of her life. 

There’s a large bouquet of flowers on the foyer table, hyacinth, Blair’s favorite flower when she was eighteen, and Blair sees a card sitting on the table next to the vase. She picks it up and reads it. 

B. So glad you could make it. Can’t wait to catch up. S.

There will be events leading up to the event. A bridal shower thrown by Penelope, who has married a real estate investor and has two children who never look short of adorable and are gossiped about because of their atrocious manners. A rehearsal dinner that Lily and Rufus were hosting. Blair was invited to by Serena despite not being part of the wedding party. She never would have imagined not being Serena’s bridesmaid when they were at Constance together, but here it was Serena’s second marriage and Blair wasn’t even in her life anymore. She was grateful that Serena was going out of her way to make her feel welcome, but she thought she would skip anyway. She’d see people at the bridal shower and then at the wedding, so she would probably stay home and eat take out and work on some of the design approvals for fashion week. 

Blair wakes up the next morning and stretches a little. Dorota has left breakfast on a tray by her bed and Blair wishes again she could lure Dorota away from New York and to Paris. It’s not like she had tried, but Vanye’s family was in New York and the kids adored their cousins, and no argument Blair could make convinced Dorota that she should pick up her family and learn French. 

She walks through Central Park that day, ignoring all the nagging emails from her office, feeling strangely melancholy about the upcoming event. The branches of the trees are covered in light green new leaves, rustling in the slight breeze, and Blair wraps her coat around her a little more tightly because she’s feeling chilled. 

She knows there is another reason she hasn’t returned to New York. It reminds her too much of him. 

He’s in California, writing for one of the major studios. And he’s published three more books, including the one that skewered her and everyone else she knew, revealing their ugly truths. Blair had hated him for a long time after reading Outside, the follow-up to Inside. Inside was a love letter to her and Outside was their breakup that they never got to have in person. It took a long time for Blair to see its truths, and when she finally did, she spent an entire night crying over what she’d lost. 

Blair had seen an article a few years ago that featured the brilliant Daniel Humphrey, a picture of him standing on the edge of a cliff overlooking the pacific ocean, the wind blowing his still unruly hair, and the article said he lived there with his girlfriend, some Swedish actress, and they made dinners for all their hipster friends in their updated kitchen and debated the nature of film in contemporary times, and there were pictures of good food and people with stylish haircuts and trendy glasses sitting around a table. Blair had thrown the article in the recycle bin the next day. 

Fuck you Dan Humphrey. Fuck you and your perfect life and your snooty friends and your beautiful girlfriend. 

She’d tried to move on from him. First with Chuck, giving herself entirely to him once again, standing by him, even marrying him. She was supposed to finally have her dream. That had been short-lived. He had wanted her to move to Hong Kong and she said she couldn’t run Waldforf Designs from there, and Chuck had again accused her of not putting him first, and Blair had decided she done. It wasn’t the only thing. There were missed dinners and forgotten birthdays, and the never ending message that neither Blair nor their relationship were important in comparison to Bass Industries. It was a lonely five years and she was both glad to have given her love for Chuck one more chance and glad to realize that those teenage feelings of meant-to-be had truly run their course. She just wished she’d realized all of that earlier, that it hadn’t taken her those five wasted years. 

Blair was left alone, and when she was finally by herself, she realized that she had only one single regret. It was not realizing that she and Chuck would never work out sooner, not holding onto the one person who had always loved her for herself, the one who had cared for her without an agenda, and she regretted not realizing she loved him sooner. 

Dan became the one who got away, the one she ached for in the middle of the night, and she learned to live with the regret. It became part of who she had become. 

Blair returns to the penthouse to find her phone full of messages and her email nagging at her, and she feels tired and worn out already, although none of the official wedding festivities have started. A woman’s work is never done, especially when the woman is the CEO of an international fashion empire. She asks Dorota to make her a snack and puts on some comfortable clothes and gets to work, hoping to make a significant dent before she has to get dressed and head to the bachelorette party. 

Blair has never been to a bachelorette party. Well, except her own, a long time ago, when she was trying to make her dream of becoming a princess come true and pretending everything was okay. She doesn’t remember much of that night, only one things stands out, and it’s the one thing that stands out in most of her memories. The amused look on Dan’s face as he gazed across at her in the police station. 

Being in New York is making it harder to keep the memories of Dan at bay. 

She doesn’t really have that many friends. Some of the women in the Paris office invite her to bridal showers and baby showers, knowing full-well that the boss lady will send a nice gift or buy the cake for the event, but she never shows up. Other than that, Blair left all her girlfriends behind when she left New York for Paris, leaving behind any chance of weddings that were destined to become divorce within ten years and ugly bridesmaid dresses. Even when she’d married Chuck it had been a low-key affair, with just her parents and Lily there, Blair wearing a demure sheath and Chuck tapping his foot because he had to get to a business meeting shortly after. There was no ceremony or pomp and circumstance, just a minister of marriage and a few short sentences and the deed was done. 

Blair eats dinner in the dining room, reading a few pages in the latest book she’s been working through. Then she goes upstairs and gets dressed for the shower. Blair’s wardrobe has changed a lot in the last fifteen years. It’s still fashionable, but now it’s also all business. She tends toward simple clothes, solid colors, an occasional jewel tone. Nothing that screams party, and here she is needing something different. Finally she settles on a plain cream dress and pairs it with some brightly colored flats, and decides to leave her hair down instead of pulling it back in her signature style. She doesn’t have to look all business tonight. 

Dorota tells her she looks nice when she comes down the stairs and hands her a nicely wrapped package. 

“Lingerie.” Dorota says seriously. “Sexy stuff.”

Blair blushes a little. She thought maybe Dorota would pick out a set of monogrammed hand towels or something equally boring. Blair is struck with the realization that this is most likely not going to be her type of party tonight, full of giggling women and bawdy jokes, and, que horror, maybe a stripper. 

“I just want this to be over, Dorota” Blair sighs. 

Penelope greets Blair when she arrives at the hotel suit that’s been rented. She is older, a little more gaunt, but the same sly demeanor, still ready to talk about you the moment you turn your back, and she hugs Blair like she’s her best friend in the entire world. Blair hesitantly hugs her back. Then Penelope leads her to the gifts table and Blair leaves her present, and someone takes her coat, and a glass of pink champagne is being shoved into her hand. It’s all a little overwhelming and Blair thinks she could be at home catching up on work, and takes a sip of the bubbly liquid, feeling it fizz down her throat. 

She wanders to the edge of the room and stands there feeling strange and out of place. Women are scattered all over, their hands holding glasses full of champagne and plates heaped with fancy horderves. Blair overhears conversations about vacationing in the Hamptons and admiring the latest diamond bracelet from a cheating spouse, and how many languages their children speak, and she feels all alone, that strange melancholy creeping in again, and she thinks that it’s going to be a long weekend. Blair glances at her delicate Cartier watch and is wondering how much longer before she can politely excuse herself when she hears her name squealed in a high pitched voice and she looks up just in time to see blond hair and tan skin flying toward her, then arms are wrapping around her and Blair awkwardly hugs her back.

Serena.

“It’s been so long.” Serena says as she releases Blair from her embrace and Blair smiles at her, and it actually feels genuine. 

“Too long,” Blair says, always skilled at niceties, but it might actually be the truth. Serena has been through hell and back, then back to hell and back again. Blair is happy to see her looking so happy. 

Serena is dressed in a glimmering gold maxi dress and strappy sandals. Her skin is tan and smooth but Blair can see wrinkles around her eyes, her hair is as golden as ever, and as always, Serena dominates the room with her casual beauty. 

“So, Nate,” Blair says and Serena’s smile grows bigger.

“Yeah,” she answers. “Who knew.”

Serena links her arm through Blair’s and leads her across the room to a table by the wall where they sit down and catch up. Serena tells her that the years after Blair left New York were dark. 

“If you could snort it, smoke it, shoot it up, I did it.” she says, looking sad. “I was so fucked up and so unhappy.”

She ended up on the pages of magazines, a strung out party girl, then married some music producer who could support her coke habit and didn’t care, until one night she snorted some coke laced with rat poison and ended up fighting for her life in the hospital. 

“After I got out I did my first stint in rehab.” Serena smiles wryly, “and I hadn’t learned yet that part of recovery was relapse.”

She did relapse. Several times, and finally a fourth stint in rehab got her clean. Six years now, Serena tells Blair and Blair tells her that she’s proud of her, because she really is. Addiction is not a simple thing to walk away from.

“I’m a fucking addict.” Serena says. “I know that now. Poor little rich girl, model, heiress, party girl, all of those are my disguises. Underneath it all, I’m an addict.”

She got divorced. Once Serena stopped using her husband decided she wasn’t fun anymore and moved on to a young, strung-out wanna be actress, and Serena was glad to be rid of him. 

“I’ve been doing fashion reporting.” Serena tells Blair. “I have a blog and everything and do some spots on local television. That’s how I ran into Nate again. I did some work for the Spectator.”

The Spectator had grown into its own, even earning a Pulitzer nomination for an expose on sweatshops in New York City, and Nate was at the helm. He and Serena started dating and the rest was history, and now here they are.

“Nate’s a good guy,” Blair says, and it’s the truth. He’s one of the best she’s ever known. 

Serena smiles and her hands are gripping Blair’s, and she tells Blair that she’s missed her. 

“It should be you next to me tomorrow,” Serena says, her eyes a little sad for all they’ve lost. “You know that, right?”

Blair swallows and for the first time she thinks maybe leaving wasn’t the best decision. It seemed like it at the time, a way to have a fresh start, to escape her problems, but now all those problems seem insignificant next to the time she’s lost with her friend. 

“I’m sorry.” Blair says, and it’s the truth. She should have been there. 

“No,” Serena’s grip tightens. “I’m sorry. I was messed up and angry, and I wanted to hurt you.”

The sex tape released sometime in the year after Blair left, a blast on Gossip Girl, and Blair never would have known about it since she was no longer in the UES universe, except some french tabloid had picked it up, the scandalous Serena Van Der Woodsen fucking some guy on a bar. Blair had seen it and it made her feel sick, Dan and Serena, but then she wondered why she even cared. She was with Chuck. She’d made her choice. She had what she wanted. Didn’t she?

It seemed silly all these years later. She and Dan were over before Serena fucked him, even if they hadn’t made it official. Blair could see that now. 

“I’m just happy for you now.” Blair says genuinely. “You seem...content.”

Serena smiles.

“I am.”

They talk more, Serena telling Blair about her latest writing project. Blair admitting to Serena that life as the head of a company can be lonely. Serena asks about Chuck, says she heard they got divorced. Blair tells her that they don’t talk to each other anymore. Finally Blair says she has to go and that Serena needs her beauty sleep anyway, since she only has one more day as a once married woman, and Blair likes that this makes Serena smile. 

Blair sleeps well that night. As she falls asleep she feels that something was made right tonight, that she needed to see Serena again, to renew that connection. Blair is glad she came to New York. 

The next morning she wakes up and tells Dorota that she’s going shopping. Blair has a wedding to go to and she needs something that screams happiness, not competent business woman. She spends the day going from store to store, and in a few the staff recognize her and Blair smiles courteously and refuses to reveal anything about her upcoming summer designs. She eats lunch alone in some new trendy cafe then heads home, having found an elegant, sleek dress in a shade of red that compliments her skin, with a neckline that plunges and highlights her cleavage, a pair of heels that she knows she’ll regret buying, and some earrings to match. 

Blair finds herself thinking that she’s oddly happy, and she’s starting to realize that it was time for her to come home. She’s been away for too long, avoiding the people she used to care about more than anybody else in the world. Suddenly she’s actually excited to go to the wedding and see Serena who will no doubt look stunning and to hug Nate again, and she remembers how Serena had glowed when she talked about him last night, and Blair knows these two love each other. 

She doesn’t check her emails that day. She gets to be just plain Blair again, only concerning herself with pretty clothes and what movie she’s going to watch that night, snapping at Dorota for old times sake, even making a stop at MOMA to gaze at art. 

The next day is the day of the wedding. Blair gets up early and sits at her vanity moisturizing her face. She has an appointment for hair and makeup that morning then it’s off to the hotel where the wedding is being held. Blair steps out of the town car, blinking in the sunshine, and knows that she looks good. 

Blair sits down and smoothes her dress, holding her clutch in her lap. She glances around and sees some familiar faces, but mostly people she doesn’t know. Lily and Rufus are sitting up front, Lily looking regal and Rufus less rumpled than usual. The Archibalds are on the other side of the aisle, Nate’s mom perched stiffly on her chair, no doubt not entirely happy that her son is marrying someone who has spent time in rehab. 

The room is filled with flowers, heaping arrangements that fill the air with their scent, and it’s entirely enchanting. Blair thinks that if she were to get married again, maybe she would want something like this. It’s beautiful but not over the top, tasteful, and a true reflection of the couple who are about to commit to each other. 

A string quartet starts to play and the wedding party starts to make their way down the aisle. Blair shifts her weight in her chair a little and turns her head, only to feel her mouth fall open. Penelope is making her way down the aisle, a smile plastered on her face, and on her arm is someone Blair didn’t expect to see here, although she’s not sure why not. 

Dan. 

He looks strangely the same, and Blair is transported back to their last conversation, where he was telling her that he needed an answer and she didn’t have anything to tell him, and his voice was angry and bitter, and Blair has always been sad that they left things like that. They never spoke after that day. 

Dan.

He walks by her, his pace measured, and he doesn’t look her way, and Blair thinks that maybe he didn’t see her. She knows she’s seen him because her stomach is clenching and her heart is beating so hard she’s sure someone will turn around and shush her any moment. 

He looks good. His hair is the same curly and slightly unkempt and she can remember what it felt like in her hands, and Blair wonders if she’s blushing, giving away her entirely inappropriate thoughts as she’s sitting in the middle of a Saturday afternoon wedding. 

Dan and Penelope break apart and Dan goes to stand next to Nate, looking out over the people sitting in the chairs, and Blair thinks she sees his eyes flick over her, but still there is no reaction, and maybe it’s because it’s been so long and he doesn’t care. She’s part of his past. 

The wedding is beautiful. Serana and Nate say vows that make Blair tear up and she is filled with hope and happiness, and how amazing that after all these years they found each other. Then rings are exchanged and bride and groom, Mr. and Mrs. Archibald, are kissing and then rushing back down the aisle and everyone stands up and applauds them. The wedding party walks out after them and again Dan doesn’t even glance her way, and Blair realizes that there’s no reason he would. She tells herself the disappointment she’s feeling is silly, a remnant of the past, grabs her clutch and heads toward the room where the reception is taking place. 

It takes Blair a little while to make it through the reception line, and when she finally makes it to the newly married couple, Serena engulfs her in a hug and Nate is smiling and Blair tells them they are the most beautiful couple she’s ever known, and it’s the truth. Then she’s wandering around the room, trying to find a table to sit at, accosted by cater waiters with trays of canapes and crudites. Blair finally find a table toward the back of the room and settles into a chair. She picks at an olive on her plate and nibbles on a carrot. Then a band starts playing and people start heading toward the dance floor, and someone tells Blair the buffet is open. She nods, not feeling that hungry. 

Blair scans the room, wondering if she’ll see him. Maybe she’ll see his girlfriend, the Swedish actress. Blair feels heat climb up her face as she tells herself that there is nothing there, and why is she even hoping to see him. She bites into a slice of cucumber, not even tasting it, when someone taps on her shoulder and slides a crystal glass in front of her. 

“Gin and tonic.” a familiar voice says “I thought you might like a drink.”

Blair looks up to see him standing next to her, his eyes scanning her face like he’s looking for something, and she’s not sure what it could be. She smiles a little, and Blair will later admit that the feeling that floods through her is relief. 

Dan.


	2. The Way You Look Tonight

Blair picks up the drink and it makes her mouth pucker. She smiles up at Dan still standing above her, waiting for something, and Blair gestures at the empty chair next to her. 

“Don’t just stand there, Humphrey.” Blair grins. 

Something in his posture shifts and Blair sees Dan’s shoulders relax a little. He folds himself into the chair next to her and they sit, looking at each other, not saying anything. Blair drums her fingers on the white linen tablecloth and wonders if she should talk about something, like the weather, or sports. 

“Where is your girlfriend?” Blair finally asks, taking another sip of the drink, liking the warmth is spreads through her chest. She’s decided to move past the mundane and plunge into what she really wants to know. Dan laughs. 

“Broom Helga?” he asks, “I see you read the article.” 

Blair nods, not sure if she likes that he knows she cared enough to read about him. 

Dan tells her that Helga turned out to be pretty far on the crazy side, more interested in her career than Dan, and not long after the article, they split up. Blair looks down at the table and pretends to examine her hands so her face won’t betray the fact that she’s happy about this turn of events. 

“Speaking of significant others, how’s Chuck?” Dan asks wryly, his voice betraying that all these years later Chuck Bass is still a thorn in his side. Blair’s eyes snap back up and she finds that Dan is studying her, watching her intently, gauging her reaction to his words. Blair is surprised that no one has actually told Dan that she and Chuck are over, have been over for a long time now. 

“You’ve have to to ask him,” Blair says evenly, almost too casually, because inside she’s excited that she gets to be the one to tell him that she and Chuck have been over for a long time. “I haven’t spoken to him for years.”

Surprise flickers through Dan’s eyes, and they go from her face to her left hand that is bare of any rings and back to her face. Then Blair sees a small smile forming around the corners of his mouth. 

“Wow, I didn’t see that coming.” Dan murmurs almost to himself, glancing away from her and out into the room. Then surprise morphs into something else, maybe pain, but he looks away too quickly for Blair to be able to read his face. “I thought you two were forever....”

His voice trails off but they both know what he was going to say. She picked Chuck over him, and just like that all the pain from fifteen years ago comes rushing back and Blair finds that she’s starting to tremble. She wants to reach out, the place her hand on his and tell him that he has been her greatest regret, that she had been too young to really know what she wanted when she made that decision, too young to really know what love was. Blair doesn’t reach out, she just remains there, glancing over at Dan, wishing things were different, but they aren’t. Finally she manages to whisper hoarsely the only words she thinks matter at this moment.

“I’m sorry.”

Dan turns and looks at her again, and now she can see that it is pain in his eyes, raw and fresh, and she’s sorry over again because it’s been fifteen years and he’s clearly still hurt. 

“Me too.” Dan whispers back. They still don’t touch, just sit next to each other, not talking. Blair takes another sip of her drink and stares down at the ice cubes floating in it, not wanting to look at Dan, not wanting to see the pain again.

“It was a long time ago.” Dan finally says. His words are a kind of exoneration for Blair, cutting her loose from the intense responsibility she suddenly feels for what happened and Blair looks up at him, able to meet his gaze again. She is surprised to find warmth this time. He’s smiling and suddenly she’s happy that everything has led the two of them to this moment. It feels like their destiny, to be sitting at this table, picking at plates of horderves, making small talk that’s actually far short of small. Although casual, their words are about everything. 

“Yes,” Blair agrees. “It was a long time ago.”

The band starts another song and Blair recognizes it, and as if on queue, Dan turns to her and says, ‘forget it, Blair, it’s Chinatown,’ a wide smile on his face. 

Chinatown. Blair thinks of the end of the movie when Faye Dunaway is sitting in that car, a gunshot to her head and the entire thing is written off with one line. It’s Chinatown. It’s the cycle everyone is stuck in, the inevitable tragedy that will happen over and over, and each time they strive to change the end of it, each time they’re stuck thinking maybe the outcome will be different. It’s like Dan and Blair. 

Are they stuck again? If this starts again, will it just end with the same heartbreak? 

The song is The Way You Look Tonight, whistled by Jack Nicholson in one of the scenes, the bandage across his nose, the anti-hero striving to save the girl and the world, and Blair remembers watching that movie curled next to Dan. She hadn’t thought of that movie or that moment for years, and now Dan was bringing it all back to her. 

I’ll be thinking of you, and the way you look tonight. 

She laughs.

“Nice one, Humphrey.”

Dan smiles, and they are back to casual and friendly and all the sadness and pain has been packed away for another time and another day. They are back to Humphrey and Waldorf, back to friendly banter. It’s a place they haven’t been for a very long time, long before she chose Chuck and left town and ended up with a broken heart and regrets. She’s missed this. 

His eyes soften and something imperceptible shifts yet again and Blair smiles. 

“You look really beautiful tonight.” Dan says, still looking at her, and Blair’s smile fades because the moment is suddenly serious and it feels strangely significant. He says this like he’s going to remember this moment forever, and Blair thinks she will. Before she can thank him, his hand is extending towards her and Dan is asking Blair to dance, and she says ‘yes’ because there’s really no reason to answer differently. His grip is firm and Blair feels vulnerable and his touch is the only thing that is anchoring her, keeping her from floating away. She’s 36 years old, she runs a corporation, and here she is, entirely undone by holding hands with a boy. 

Blair blushes. 

They wind their way through the tables, Blair’s hand still in Dan’s and finally reach the dance floor. Dan takes Blair into his arms, and for a moment they are both stiff, formal, a little unsure of what to do, then his hand slides from her waist around to her back and pulls her towards him until there are mere inches separating them from each other. 

This feels so right.

Blair wraps her arms around his neck and looks up at him, and everything between them slips away, all the betrayal and pain that lives under the surface despite being dulled by years of separation, and Blair thinks maybe all those years weren’t really wasted. Maybe they were bringing them both to this moment. 

I have never stopped loving you. 

It’s not a shocking revelation. She’s always known that losing Dan was a kind of pain that never leaves, and he was her biggest regret. But as he pulls her even closer and his fingers find the skin on her back exposed by the cut of her dress, she realizes that her feelings for this man have never waned in the past fifteen years. As she sways in his arms to the beat of the music, she feels just as intensely as she did before everything got mixed up and confused and she chose what she thought was love. Maybe it’s more intense than it ever was before. Now she realizes that she had the kind of love she’d always wanted all along. 

It’s almost like the last fifteen years didn’t happen. 

Dan doesn’t break her gaze and Blair fights the urge to look away because everything is suddenly intense and overwhelming, and she is unraveling bit by bit, but she stays there, face upturned, looking up at him. 

“You know what I won’t ever forget?” Dan murmurs and she’s even closer, the inches between them erased, her body pressed against his, and they sway slowly. 

“What?” Blair smiles, feeling happy. How long has it been since she’s felt happy? She’s expecting him to dredge up some memory from the past, some random moment on some random day, but Dan surprises her when he tells her something different. 

“This. You. The way you look tonight. You have always been so beautiful, but tonight, you take my breath away.”

Blair feels tears start to well up in her eyes. She whispers his name and he smiles at her, then Blair dips her head and rests it on his shoulder, and his arms tighten around her and they are completely tangled up in each other, still swaying, and the music shifts, the tempo speeding up and suddenly the dance floor around them is alive, women and men twirling about, laughing and having fun, and Dan and Blair don’t move, just keep swaying, holding onto each other, lost in the moment, until Blair feels someone bump into her from behind. She breaks their embrace and turns around to see Serena in Nate’s arms, her face glowing from exertion and Blair is sure she made Nate take dance lessons just for this moment. It’s something Blair would have done. 

Serena laughs and she is again golden, and after all this time she can still be the most beautiful, untouchable person in the room. 

“You two are the best wedding present I could have gotten.” Serena gasps out just before Nate twirls her away and Blair feels the heat rise up her cheeks. Dan clears his throat and she feels him stiffen. Blair turns back to him only to find him looking away from her, avoiding her gaze, and she’s filled with sadness because the moment has slipped away. They are standing there, people dancing all around them, not touching anymore, and all Blair wants is to get that moment back, to be in Dan’s arms, her cheek resting on his shoulder, his arms warm around her, his voice deep and rumbling in her ear, and his fingers absently tracing a path across the bare skin of her back, making her shiver a little. She wants that back, but it is gone. 

“Well, thanks Humphrey.” Blair says, trying to keep her voice casual when she feels so far from anything remotely like casual. 

“It was nice, Waldorf.”

Nice. He was right, it was nice. But it was so much more and now it’s gone. Blair doesn’t know how to get it back, doesn’t know how to bridge this sudden awkwardness. They break apart and Blair stands in front of Dan feeling out of sorts, not knowing what to do now, so she mumbles something about being hungry and starts walking back to the table, Dan trailing behind her. 

Blair feels her bottom lip tremble and she tells herself that she’s too grown up to cry, that she will not let herself become unhinged here and now. She’s glad Dan can’t see her face and she lets her hair fall forward to conceal the devastation ripping through her, wanting to grab her clutch and flee from the room, but managing to keep it together. 

It was a momentary thing. Blair had been foolish to let herself think differently as she relaxed against Dan, taking in the way he smelled, pretending it could be some sort of beginning. She’d been kidding herself, pretending that they hadn’t written their final chapter a long time ago. How could she have thought it could be different. 

“Blair.”

She is back at the table and trying her best to avoid his gaze, and his hand is on her shoulder, and Blair flinches. 

“Don’t.” she says quietly. “We can’t go back.”

He wants to argue with her. She can tell by the way he opens his mouth to say something, and she raises her hand and Dan falls silent. All the things unsaid drift between them, pushing them further apart. She was foolish to think that fifteen years didn’t matter. There is too much distance, too much damage done. 

Blair can do this. She can return to Paris and pretend that this, this moment, the two of them swaying together, hearts beating in time, never happened. She has a life. She has a business to run. She has made it this long without him. He can go back to California. They can keep living their lives because if they’ve made it this far, there’s no reason why they can’t go on without each other. It’s not like when they were twenty one and the world hung by a thread and everything was so desperate. 

This way it hurts less. 

“Thank you for the dance, Humphrey,” Blair manages, not knowing if she can stand in front of him much longer without letting the tears that are on the edges of her eyes spill over onto her cheeks. She picks her clutch up off the table and turns away from him. Then without looking back, she walks away.


	3. A Date

Blair can’t hold back the tears. They start to spill down her cheeks before she can escape from the ballroom and she hopes that no one sees the high and mighty Ms. Waldorf fleeing the Van Der Woodsen/Archibald wedding event of the year crying her eyes out. She frantically wipes at them and manages to push out the heavy door into the hallway then heads toward the hotel lobby. 

She’s entirely undone, and all it took was one dance, less than ten minutes in Dan’s arms. Blair had no idea she’d been standing so near the edge of the precipice, no idea it would just take a small push to send her falling with no sight of the bottom.

This is worse than before.

Fifteen years ago she had Chuck and what she thought was love and some hope for the future, and it had made it easier to walk away from Dan, although she’d spent plenty of nights crying her heart out for him back then as well. Now she’s ending up with nothing, going back to her life alone, and despite telling herself that it’s enough, that she has more than she needs, Blair feels empty. 

A hotel employee materializes next to Blair who is now standing on the sidewalk outside the hotel looking dazed, mascara streaked down her cheeks, and it occurs to her that she has drifted way past any kind of dignified moment. He is holding a box of tissues in his white gloved hand and Blair grabs one and blows her nose in a significantly undignified way then glares at him, thinking that she’s going to give him a big tip, and manages to blubber at him to call the Waldorf town car around. 

She is thankful for the kindness of strangers.

She sees the car coming down the street, and soon she will be in the back seat, finally able to let out all of her anguish, then she’ll be back at the penthouse and Dorota will make her a cup of tea, and Blair can crawl into bed and pray for a dreamless sleep to take her away from everything. Maybe things will look better in the morning and she’ll know she made the right decision to walk away,she’ll wake to the certainty that she lacks at the moment. 

She feels the wind gust past her it threatens to rip away the strands of control that are barely holding her together, and Blair feels herself start to shake a little. There are raindrops starting to fall on her face and her hair but she doesn’t notice them as she stands there trying to keep herself from falling apart. When the last strand breaks there will be nothing left but pieces. Only a few more seconds and she’ll be out of the public’s eye and safe to let everything go, safe to let the strands finally snap away, safe to let the pieces fall.

The car stops in front of her and Blair reaches for the door handle, not waiting for the driver to jump out and open it, and she’s about get in when she hears him yelling her name.

“Blair!”

She stops, her hand suspended in midair and Blair can’t move, can’t look up, can’t turn her head in the direction of his voice. She stares at the car door and then he’s next to her, breathing hard and he’s been running.

Running after her. 

She squeezes her eyes shut and the tears are back and she thinks she should tell him to leave her alone, or just get into the car without saying a word, but she is stuck. Stuck between her past and her future and she has no idea which way to go. Turn to Dan, turn away. Two clear choices but nothing feels clear right now. 

“You’re walking away again.” Dan gasps. He is close to her, so close, and she can hear him panting as he struggles to catch his breath. She wonders how long he had sat at the table, if he’d watched her make her way out of the room, how long until he’d decided to come after her. And why. Why didn’t he just let her go and make this easy?

She still can’t look at him. 

He is grabbing her hands now and turning her towards him, and Blair doesn’t want to look at him, to see his face mirroring her own anguish, but she does. She lifts her eyes, wet with tears, waiting for the anger. She deserves it because she walked away before and she’s walking away again. She braces herself, waits for his righteous outrage. Instead she is met with surprising softness, and empathy, and her heart clenches because Dan has managed to surprise her at every turn this evening. 

You destroy me. 

“I have never stopped loving you,” Dan says quietly and Blair flinches at his words, hates how they incriminate her. He was never the one who lost faith. It was her. She walked away. She stopped loving him. “All this time, all these years, it’s been you. It’s not like there haven’t been others. It’s not like I haven’t tried, but seeing you tonight, well, I can’t let it end the same way. Not this time.”

“Dan, please, don’t.” Blair’s voice sounds raw. She sniffs a little and watches his face as he absorbs her words, and she knows he understands what she’s asking. Don’t do this again. Don’t open her up in a way that’s going to leave her hurting. Let this be just one moment, something to buoy them through the years, a good memory. Let her go. 

“It doesn’t have to be this way,” Dan whispers. “It doesn’t have to be like it was before.”

Blair’s eyes widen in surprise. How does he know what is in her heart? How, after all these years, can Dan Humphrey walk back into her life randomly and be able to read her soul like this? The fear bubbles up again and chokes her, and Blair’s mouth opens then closes. She has love and she has lost, and she’s not sure she can do it again. She is afraid of being consumed, of losing herself, of losing him again. She is afraid of everything.

“It can just be right now,” he says. Dan is closer now and Blair feels unsettled, restless, and she wants to step away, find a way to relieve the tension that is tightening her insides, threatening to engulf her. 

“No tomorrow. No forever. Just you and me, here and now. No more and no less.”

He knows they can’t go back. They're not the same people they were fifteen years ago, and Blair can’t survive going back to what they were. She needs to leave the old Dan and Blair in the past, the desperation, the all-consuming feelings. She needs them to be over. The only way she could see to do that was to walk away. Until now. 

As he looks at her Blair begins to realize that Dan has known all along. He has known they can’t just pick up where they left off. But he’s still here and maybe they can become something new. 

He is even closer to her now, and she remembers dancing with him, the way he felt against her, and Blair’s mouth is dry and she’s looking up at him, watching him search her face for some sort of signal, for affirmation, for an answer. 

“Okay.” Blair whispers, feeling Dan’s hands squeeze hers tighter as he absorbs what she’s said. 

“Blair.” her name is guttural, ripped from somewhere deep inside, and she realizes that the same desperation she feels lurks underneath his surface as well. Then his mouth is on hers and every part of her body is on fire as their lips touch, and she realizes that this is what’s she’s wanted from the moment she saw him walk down the aisle. 

It’s like coming home. 

She is ripped apart at his touch, aching for him, pressing her body into his, wanting to feel him across every inch of her, and Blair deepens the kiss, not caring that they are standing on the curb in the rain, in front of the entire world. The days of Gossip Girl and her blasts are far behind them, and although her site is still up and running, it’s not about Queen B and Lonely Boy anymore. There is no scandal here, just a reunion of two people who have been lost for too long. It is finally just Dan and Blair, what it should have been from the beginning. 

“Come home with me,” Blair murmurs breathlessly when they finally break apart, and she wants him to say ‘yes’ and sweep her into his arms. She wants to unbutton and unzip him, to feel his skin under her fingertips, to rediscover all of his plains and valleys. She wants him to make her come. 

Dan leans forward, his forehead touching hers, and it’s sweet, reminding her of the way they were so long ago, and Blair realizes there are some things about the movements of love that never will change. 

“No,” he whispers, but despite his words his voice is rough with lust, and it makes Blair burn even hotter, and she almost whimpers because she wants him so much. “Not like this.”

Not like two hormonally crazed teenagers fucking, like the grown ups they are, and Blair understands what Dan is saying, although she wants to crush her mouth to his in an act of protest, to weaken his resolve, until he is so crazy with desire that he will do anything she wants. She wants to enslave him. 

“Please,” she begs, wanting him to say something else, wanting him to capitulate. Dan looks into her eyes and she sees resolve behind the darkness of desire. 

“I want to do this right, Blair,” he says. “And as much as I want to fuck you right now, I want to do this right even more.”

Blair blinks. As much as she doesn’t want to admit it, Dan’s words make sense. Her mouth is dry and her heart is pounding, but she manages to push all of that to the back of her mind, because she understands. They have a second chance. This needs to be done properly, to be given the respect they never gave it in the first place. Because there is a good chance that it’s forever. 

“So, how do we do it right, Humphrey?”

Dan smiles and pulls back a little. Blair feels the rain falling on her hot skin, feels the distance between them, and she shivers and wants him back against her. 

“A date,” he says, still grinning. All of the sudden the mood is lighter, even playful, yet another shift in their dynamics that leaves Blair feeling a little bewildered. 

“A date?” she repeats, not quite comprehending what Dan is suggesting. 

“You know. Dinner. Movie. Talking.”

A date. Holding hands. A peck on the cheek at the end of the night. 

“And sex?” Blair asks, cocking an eyebrow, and they slowly transition back into the comfortable territory of bantering, and he looks amused. 

“I don’t put out on the first date, Waldorf,” Dan quips, “I’m not that easy.”

From what she’s just experience, Blair thinks it won’t be hard to make a liar out of Dan. She thinks about what he’s proposing. 

“An nothing more?” Blair counters. “Just one date.”

“I said one day at a time, didn’t I?” Dan answers. “Let’s start with tomorrow and a date.”

Blair feels a strange sense of hope building in her core. It sounds reasonable. One date. She nods her head, agreeing to his terms.

“Okay. One date.”

Dan is still looking at her and then he smiles happily, leans forward and kisses her on her cheek. It’s perfunctory but that kiss means more than anything. It means he’ll see her tomorrow. Then Dan steps back and pulls the door of the town car open, and Blair ducks inside. The door shuts behind her and she rolls down the window and says to Dan, who is still standing on the curb,

“See you tomorrow Humphrey.”

“Looking forward to it, Waldorf.”

The car pulls away from the curb and Blair watches Dan out the window, not taking her eyes off him until the driver turns a corner and she can’t see him anymore. She shuts the window and stares forward, a bemused look on her face. Was it mere hours ago that she thought everything was lost? And now she would see Dan tomorrow. And possibly the next day. Blair smiles to herself and chuckles. 

A date.


	4. One Day at a Time

Blair doesn’t sleep much that night. She tosses and turns, the ghost of Dan’s kiss on her lips, and she can’t stop aching for his touch. Her mind races, going over every moment of that night, replaying Dan’s words in her head over and over again. 

I have never stopped loving you.

Blair is happy, lying in her bedroom, watching the cast on the wall by the moonlight, listening to the dampened sounds of the city outside her windows. She should be thinking about answering emails and fashion week and the next marketing campaign and finding models for their next show, but instead she is thinking about his hands on her back and the way he smelled, clean and spicy and like a small piece of heaven. 

It’s so right.

She laughs into the silent room and thinks that she’s crushing on a boy like she’s thirteen again, and it’s so ridiculous but it feels good, and she’s lighter than air, and all because Dan Humphrey is back in her life. 

Finally her eyes cannot stay open longer and her mind becomes soft and fuzzy, drifting off into her dreams and she falls asleep with his name on her lips, wishing he was there by her side. 

She is woken by Dorota tapping her lightly on the shoulder and Blair’s eyes fly open as all of her responsibilities come crashing down around her. Emails, marketing plans, voicemails, conference calls. Her work is never done, and she is gripped with panic and trying to figure out what Dorota is saying to her at the same time. 

“...Mr. Dan.”

Huh? Blair blinks, attempting to make sense of Dorota telling her something about Dan.

“He’s downstairs.”

Blair bolts upright. 

“Dan is downstairs?” 

She sees a smile spread across Dorota’s face as she sees that her employer finally understands what she’s been trying to tell her, why she’s been shaking her awake. Dan is downstairs. 

“Shit.” Blair is leaping out of bed, rushing to her vanity, smoothing her hair, pulling off her pajamas, throwing on a dress, searching for her lipgloss.

Dan is downstairs. 

Her heart is pounding and everything but Dan is forgotten, pushed to the back of her mind, and Blair knows she might regret this later, but Dan is downstairs, waiting for her, and this moment is all she can think about. 

She grabs a pair of flats from the closet and turns to Dorota. 

“How do I look,” she gasps. Dorota has her hand over her mouth, hiding what appears to be laughter. 

“In love.”

Blair glares at her maid. 

“You are insolent, Dorota.”

Blair rushes out of her bedroom then slows when she comes to the top of the stairs and makes her way down slowly, like meeting Dan Humphrey in her foyer is an event that happens every morning, and that thought makes Blair’s heart clench because maybe that’s actually what she wants. 

He is standing in the foyer holding two coffees in his hands and glancing around. She sees him before he sees her so she has a chance to study him. He looks mostly the same, but he is a little sharper around the edges, the plains of his face a little harder. There are fine wrinkles around the edges of his eyes, like he squints in the sunshine too much, and she thinks she might suggest sunglasses if she was around him longer than a couple days. His hair is even curlier and more unruly and she can see that there are some strands of silver here and there. He is wearing a red plaid shirt and Blair thinks that some things will never change. 

Blair reaches the bottom of the stairs and clears her throat and Dan turns to her and smiles. She feels her heart lift and float away. 

“We didn’t agree on what time our date would be,” Dan says, walking toward her. “So I thought I’d start it sooner than later.” 

Blair smiles and takes the coffee that he’s handing her, then she steps toward him, stands on tiptoe and places a perfunctory kiss on Dan’s cheek, her lips feeling its roughness. She pulls back and notices that he is blushing. 

“Good morning.” Blair murmurs, then takes a sip of her coffee and it’s perfect. 

She had responsibilities, work to do, but as she stands there with Dan in front of her, she decides that work can wait. This is what’s important. They are important. 

“Did you sleep okay?” he asks as they walk toward the living room. Blair glances at him. 

“Not really.” She confesses. Dan smiles. 

“Me either. I had a lot on my mind.”

Blair feels like she can’t stop smiling as they engage in mundane conversation that seems meaningless on the outside but is deeply meaningful underneath its boringness. She likes the idea of neither of them sleeping, tossing and turning, thinking about each other. 

“Me too.” Blair demurs. She had a lot of Dan on her mind, his touch, his kiss, and even when she’d finally fallen asleep, he was still there and she’d been restless, her sleep tinged with anticipation of what was to come next. 

“So?” Blair says, watching him, waiting for what comes next.

“Time for our date.” Dan answers, and that smile is back, creeping across his face, full of happiness.

As dates go it’s not the most romantic she’s ever been on. Chuck has surpassed most notions of romance Blair ever had, flying her to exotic cities, paying string quartets to serenade her on rooftops. If there was one thing her ex-husband could do well it was romance. It’s not even the most creative date. But it’s probably the best. 

They don’t really do anything. Dan asks if Blair wants to take a walk in Central Park and she says yes, and Dorota materializes next to her with her coat, and Blair realizes she’s been lurking on the other side of the door, listening to their conversation. 

As they walk Blair links her arm through Dan’s and she’s close to him, her hip bumping his now and then, and they talk. 

Blair tells Dan about life in Paris. She tells him that she loves it there in the winter when the tourists aren’t in full force and she can enjoy the city unimpeded, and that the food is out of this world. She tells him about the ballet and the museums, both things she doesn’t get to see enough of. She tells him that she loves her job, that she is finally the powerful woman she’d always dreamed of being, but it’s taken a lot of work and a lot of sacrifice. She tells him that it’s a good life. 

She doesn’t tell him that she’s lonely sometimes. 

Dan asks if she misses New York and Blair shrugs. Not really, she answers. There is nothing left in New York for her. There hasn’t been for a long time. She left that behind. 

Dan tells her about California, the beaches, the strange L.A. culture, with strip malls and donut shops and beautiful people, the wide gap between those who actually make it and those who just keep struggling. He tells her that he doesn't like the veneer of Hollywood and he really wants to go back to writing books 

Blair says that his home is beautiful, and at first Dan is confused but then he remembers that she read the magazine. 

“It’s a nice house,” Dan shrugs. He lives by the beach and drives to L.A. when he needs to attend meetings, and he agrees that the kitchen is amazing. 

“But it’s not my home.” he tells her. 

Blair asks Dan where home is and he answers that he doesn’t know. He hasn’t known for a long time. 

“You’ve done well for yourself,” Blair says, looking up at him as they continue walking. 

“I’ve made a living,” Dan agrees. “But is it everything I wanted? Not quite.”

Blair doesn’t probe further. She’s not sure if she wants to know what is missing from Dan’s life. She suspects the missing piece might bring all the guilt crashing down again. She suspects it might be her, because she’s also beginning to understand that Dan is her missing piece. 

They stop by the duck pond, one of Blair’s favorite places in the entire world, and find a bench to sit on. She gazes out at the water, not saying anything. Dan clears his throat, and then he speaks, his voice a little shaky, and Blair realizes he has been steeling himself for what he’s about to ask.

“What happened with Chuck?”

Blair looks away. She’s not sure she wants to talk about this. Not with him. She decides to anyway because Dan deserves to know the truth. 

“He loved his business more than me.” she says, staring into the distance, “and I don’t think I really loved him at all, so it was only a matter of time before everything collapsed.”

Dan doesn’t say anything. The silence stretches between them and Blair waits for his indignation over the fact that she left him for Chuck and now was saying that she never loved him in the first place. That she didn’t give Dan a chance fifteen years ago. Dan reaches over and takes her hand in his and they sit there, ruminating on the past. 

“I’ve learned a lot since then.” Blair finally says, her voice squeaking a little. “I wish I’d done things differently. If I had, we could have, we wouldn’t have lost so much....”

Her voice trails off and Dan squeezes her hand. 

“It doesn’t matter.” he says finally. “We’re here right now. Isn’t that part of taking this day by day? Not worrying about the future but also not living in the past?”

Blair turns her head toward him. He is smiling and this time it’s not a smile filled with happiness, but one that’s tinged with sadness and regret. 

“What have I done to deserve you walking back into my life, Daniel Humphrey?” Blair murmurs. She scoots closer to him and leans her head on his shoulder, and his hand comes around her shoulders and his fingers stroke her arm. 

They have lunch and they keep talking, sharing their favorite movies and books, reconnecting, and after all these years, Dan and Blair are both surprised how they can just pick up where they left off, discussing, arguing, bantering, like they saw each other yesterday, not fifteen years ago. 

After lunch they wander back towards Blair’s penthouse, holding hands, fingers intertwined, and Blair is sad that their date appears to be coming to an end. They reach the front door to her building and she turns to Dan.

“I’m flying back home tomorrow.” Blair says, her eyes stinging with unexpected tears.

“I know.” Dan says, his voice a little sad. “I have to get back to California.”

She doesn’t want him to go, doesn’t want this day to end. Neither does Dan because instead of leaving her at the door to her building, he gets into the elevator with her and they are silent as they ride up to the penthouse, their hands still linked. 

They step into the foyer and the doors slide shut behind them, and Blair turns to Dan and takes his other hand in hers. 

“Stay with me.” she says, hoping he will answer yes. She sees a flicker of something in Dan’s eyes, a wisp of lust, and it makes her insides tighten. He squeezes her hands tighter. 

“I can’t Blair.” Dan says. “Remember how I said I want to do this right? That means no sex on the first date.”

Blair doesn’t hide her disappointment.

“Then kiss me.” she counters and Dan frowns a little.

“I won’t be able to stop, Blair.”

His voice is hoarse and she knows that was what she was counting on, because the ache has started again and she knows what will release it. 

“Then this is it?” Blair asks. They’re going to say goodbye and go to different ends of the world, and leave with nothing. Well, not nothing. One day, one date. That’s all they’ll have. 

She wants more. 

“One day at a time.” Dan says, smiling. “There’s always tomorrow. But I know one thing that I would like to do now.”

“What?” Blair asks, wondering what there is to do besides kissing and fucking. 

“We never really got to finish our dance last night.”

Blair smiles. 

“No, we didn’t.”

Dan steps towards her and his arms are wrapping around her, and Blair winds her arms around his neck, her fingers finding the curls at its nape and tangling in them. She can feel his body against hers, warm, and she softens against him, letting him take some of her weight, and she is practically vibrating against him. His lips are in her hair and he is whispering something she can’t make out. His flannel shirt is soft against her cheek and Blair closes her eyes tightly and commits everything about this moment to memory as they sway together slowly in the silence of the foyer. 

She will fly home and go back to meetings and agendas, fashion shows, conference calls, but Blair pushes all of that out of her mind. Right now she’s going to dance with Dan and later she’ll worry about tomorrow.


	5. A Surprise in Paris

The next time Blair sees Dan it’s unexpected.

She returns to Paris and is back to the office the next day, trying to get caught up on meetings, and she ends up staying late at the office night after night, eating takeout ordered by her assistant, pouring over designs, trying to get everything ready for fashion week.

There’s barely any time to think about Dan, but still, he’s rarely far from her thoughts. He has a strange way of creeping into her head at the oddest moments, and even if Blair brushes him away, he comes back. 

Things aren’t quite the same as they were before New York. Blair used to like the busy-ness. She liked working late and waking early and having her time filled with conference calls and important decisions, eating out of plastic to go containers and having nothing in her fridge. It felt like the trappings of success. Now it all feels a little hollow. Like there’s something missing. 

Blair collapses into bed every night and that’s when she misses him, and she wants to hear his voice, but Dan had said day by day, and that means there is no tomorrow. And he’s not here. He’s in California and she’s in Paris, and it’s starting to feel like New York might have been a figment of her imagination. 

That’s why when there’s a knock on her door one night, a few weeks after her return from Serena and Nate’s wedding, a few weeks after Dan walked back into her life and back out of it, Blair opens it and her mouth falls open in surprise.

It’s Dan. 

He’s standing in the hallway of her apartment building, wearing a sheepish grin, holding a manilla envelope. 

“Dan?” Blair says, “What the hell?”

It’s late and she had just changed into her pajamas and was about to climb into bed after checking the figures for the quarterly report one more time. And now she’s standing, clutching her robe tightly around her, staring at Dan. Dan who is supposed to be in California. 

“I wrote a story for you.” he says, as if that explains why he’s standing outside her apartment at almost midnight. 

“Dan...”

“...and I really wanted you to read it, because I just can’t get you out of my head, and I think it’s really good, and you’ve always been my muse...”

“...Daniel...”

“...so I thought I’d bring it by.”

“Daniel Randolf Humphrey!”

Her voice is sharp but Blair is smiling, from ear to ear, and the muscles in her face hurt but she can’t stop. As she says his full name, she flies into his arms, covering his face with kisses. 

“Hey,” Dan says softly, looking at her, his eyes warm and happy. “a person might think you missed me.”

She didn’t know how much until she opened the door to find him standing there. Yes, she had missed him. 

“That person might be right. Come in,” Blair says, taking Dan by the hand and dragging him inside her apartment. He looks around, taking in the high ceilings and paned windows that reveal a view of the Eiffel Tower, the skylights that show a clear, almost a cobalt blue sky with a crescent moon hanging low, that will pour in natural light with the rising of the sun. It’s an impressive space. 

“This is nice.” Dan says. “It’s very, um, Blair.”

“It’s home.” Blair says. Mine. And yours, if you want it to be, she thinks, and the thought makes Blair blush. She’s still holding his hand and they end up on one of the modern cream leather couches in her living room. She can’t stop looking at him, can’t believe that he’s here. With her. In Paris.

“I thought you had to be back in California.”

Dan shrugs. Blair is still smiling like a fool. She feels thirteen again, and she likes a boy, and he likes her back. Absolute fool. 

“I did, but the studio can wait for the final version of the adaptation I’m working on, chalk it up to that crazy writer they hired.” He hands her the manilla envelope. Blair takes it and turns it over a couple times in her hands. “I wanted to see you.” 

Blair feels like she might burst. 

“You must be tired.” she says. Dan nods. Blair tells him he can take the guest room and, still holding his hand, she gets up off the couch then pulls him to a stand. She leads him down the hallway and shows him where the towels are, tells him he can get a snack later if he wants but there isn’t much in the fridge, and she makes a mental note to have her assistant stock her pantry in the morning. She asks if he has any luggage and Dan shakes his head ‘no’, so she promises to get him something to wear in the morning. Then she lets go of his hands and slips her arms around his waist and presses herself against him. 

“I’m so glad you came.” Blair whispers into Dan’s shirt, and the tears are too close to the surface, and Blair doesn’t want to cry. Not when she’s so happy. Dan bends down and he’s kissing her, slowly, sweetly, and Blair feels that familiar electricity shoot through her, but she ignores it, telling herself that there is time. She’ll wake up in the morning and Dan will be there and it will be a new day. 

The pull apart and Blair says goodnight and Dan kisses her once on the forehead. 

“Glad to be here, Waldorf.”

She shuts the guest bedroom door and pads down the hallway back into the living room. The envelope is lying on the couch where she’d left it. She picks it up and pulls out a small stack of pages covered with words. She grabs a blanket and covers herself with it and starts to read. 

It’s a story of love and loss, about rediscovery, and it’s so beautifully written that Blair’s heart hurts as she reads it. The clock clicks past 1 am and she knows she’s going to be exhausted in the morning and she has a long day ahead of her, but she can’t stop reading. It’s the most amazing love letter she’s ever received. 

When she is done reading, Blair puts down the pages and there are tears in her eyes. She goes into her office and pulls up her email and sends an email to her assistant. She asks her to come by tomorrow and stock her kitchen. She requests that she drop by some croissants in the morning, telling her to use the spare key and be quiet. She tells her that she won’t be into the office the next day and to reschedule all her appointments. 

When she’s done, Blair shuts her laptop and stands up, knowing full well what she’s doing next. She pads back down the hallway towards the guest room and stands outside the closed door. The, taking a deep breath, she turns the handle and walks into the room.

It’s dark and she can hear Dan breathing in the stillness. Blair unties her robe and drops it into a chair in the corner. Worried about tripping, she makes her way carefully to the bed and pulls back the covers. She slips under the covers and scoots over until she’s nestled into Dan’s side, his warmth radiating, and she realizes that he’s not wearing a shirt and he only has boxer shorts on, and his skin is against hers, and it’s lovely. Just lovely. 

Dan stirs and mumbles her name, then he’s waking up a little and peering at her in the darkness. Her face is close to his, inches apart, and she wants to kiss him, but she doesn’t. 

“Blair?” he asks. 

“Thank you,” Blair whispers, taking his hand in hers, tangling her legs with his, “thank you for writing such a beautiful story, and thank you for delivering it in person.”

Blair turns over and he is pressed into her back, his lips kissing the nape of her neck. 

“You are my muse.” Dan whispers sleepily, his words a little slurred. Blair closes her eyes and she feels her body relax in his arms, and they fall asleep like that, pressed against each other, curled around each other, Dan’s arm around her waist, his hand in hers. 

Sun is pouring through the skylight when Blair wakes up. Dan is still asleep and she can feel his chest rising and falling against her back. 

Blair smiles. 

She carefully frees herself, sliding out from under Dan’s sleep-heavy arm, slipping out of bed and quietly heading toward the kitchen. 

There is food in the fridge and croissants arranged on a plate on the kitchen counter, as well as a fresh pot of coffee brewing, and Blair makes a mental note to thank her assistant. She pours herself a cup of coffee and grabs her iPad to check the morning news. It feels like any other day, except Dan is sleeping in her guest room and they’ve spent the night in each others arms. 

Life can be so strange. 

She finishes her coffee and bites into a croissant, savoring the flakey, buttery pastry. Blair eats half of it then puts it on a plate and heads toward her bedroom to take a shower and get dressed. She stands in the shower, letting the warm water run over her, lost in thought and happy. 

Blair has been happy since New York. 

She grabs a fluffy white towel and dries off, then Blair goes to her closet, her hair still dripping a little, and picks out an outfit. Instead of her usual business attire, she picks out a simple dress, something she will be comfortable in. Then she rubs moisturizer all over and brushes out her hair, and finally she’s ready for the day.

Dan is awake when she returns to the kitchen. He’s wearing the same clothes he arrived in, a little rumpled from their night on the guest room floor, and drinking his own cup of coffee. He looks up when she walks into the room. 

“So?” he says, watching her walk across the room and settle into a stool next to him.

“So.” Blair mirrors. Statement following question, waiting to see what Dan wants. 

“How did you sleep,” he asks. It’s the same question he asked her in New York. This time she has a different answer. 

“Like a baby.” 

It seems that Dan’s arms around her lead to the perfect, dreamless, deep sleep that often eludes her. She wants to tell him they should consider making this a permanent arrangement, but that feels like too much, too soon. 

“That was nice,” Dan says, taking another drink of coffee. “And a little surprising.”

“What did you expect, Humphrey?” Blair quips. “You write a beautiful story, fly across continents and oceans to deliver it, and you think I’m going to leave you alone after that?”

Dan smiles. Blair’s heart floats again. How can he do this to her over and over again?

“A person might think I’m a total fool in love.” 

Blair’s breath catches in her throat. She feels herself coming undone with his words. Total fools. Both of them. 

“They might.” she manages to answer evenly. And if a person happened to think that, they would be entirely correct. She was entirely foolish and entirely in love. But she doesn’t say this to Dan, because it’s not time. Not yet. 

They eat and talk more, Blair telling him she is taking the day off, Dan telling her that he has to be back in California tomorrow. They have just this one day. It’s New York all over again. Blair wants more, but she doesn’t say anything, because this isn’t about tomorrow or wanting more. It’s about here and now. It’s about this very moment, sitting in her Paris apartment, talking, reconnecting, planning their day. They have lost too much for it to be anything else, but as much as Blair wants more, she’s also happy with what she has. Being happy with what you have is part of growing up. 

“So,” she finally says to Dan, after they have decided to hit up the Louvre, and then the ballet that night, and Blair will take Dan to the airport the next morning. Blair’s question is mischievious and she’s smiling, “is this our second date?”

Dan’s eyebrows go up. He knows what she’s asking. She knows what his answer will be, but she asks anyway. 

“Well, I guess so.” he says slyly, a smile playing around his lips, “but I’m still not putting out, Waldorf. Keep dreaming because I’m not that easy.”

Blair laughs. Dan laughs back. They finish their coffee and head out to spend a day in Paris together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a couple links for this chapter. Blair's [Paris apartment](http://www.idesignarch.com/luxury-designer-loft-apartment-in-paris/) and [court yard](http://www.idesignarch.com/wp-content/uploads/Paris-Luxury-Designer-Loft_21.jpg)


	6. California Dreaming

Blair can’t let him go. They are standing in the Paris airport, her arms wrapped around his waist, her face buried in his chest. 

“I have to get through security. I’m going to miss my flight.” Dan murmurs, kissing the top of her head. “If I didn’t know better, I’d think you’re trying to be subversive, Blair Waldorf.”

She knows she should release her arms, watch him walk away, but Blair just can’t. She doesn’t want this moment to end. She doesn’t want him to leave. Blair mumbles something into his shirt. 

“What?” Dan says, smiling down at her. Blair lifts her head and gazes up, into his eyes, liking what she sees in them. 

“I just want you to stay.”

They both know it’s an impossible request. Neither of them have lives that they can just pick up and leave. He has his script to finish. She has her business. None of that makes this any less painful. 

“I know.” Dan says quietly then leans down and kisses her. Blair’s eyes squeeze shut because the touch of his lips is both exquisitely painful and wonderful at the same time. She holds him tighter and they stay there for a moment longer, people streaming around there, a rush of humanity ignoring the two people wrapped around each other. Finally they break apart.

“Email me?” Blair says. Dan nods and kisses her again.

“And we can chat. I’ll get up early.”

“Yes.”

“And skype.”

Dan laughs at her. Blair feels something akin to physical pain as she releases her embrace and takes a step backward. Dan kisses her again, and this time it’s a goodbye peck. 

“See you soon.” he smiles. Blair manages to muster a smile back and thinks that she won’t see him soon enough. Then she watches him walk away, not moving until he disappears from her sight. 

She goes back to the same routine. Meetings, working late, more meetings, and Blair finds it all barely tolerable. Her mind and heart are with Dan, in California. They are finally wrapping up plans for fashion week and Blair is busy helping with the model selection and visiting her designers. She normally loves this time of year, full of excitement and anticipation, but this year it just feels tedious. 

Dan writes or calls every day. Sometimes it’s a long and rambling email, telling her that he’s sitting on his deck overlooking the Pacific and wishing she were there by his side. Sometimes she wakes to a voicemail from him, his voice gravelly from sleep, and he’s telling her that he dreamed about her, and she knows from the sound of his voice that his dream wasn’t exactly innocent. The sound of his voice sends desire shooting through her and Blair bites at her bottom lip and wants him. 

One night they are chatting back and forth and Blair asks him when she might expect to finally get some sex out of this situation. Dan types out, ‘Seven dates,’ on the screen. Blair rolls her eyes and writes back, ‘how is a girl supposed to survive this situation? And how are we supposed to actually achieve seven dates?’

‘patience, Waldorf. Doing things right means not rushing.’

It’s not like she wants to impertinently rush into anything, but it’s also not like they’re barely teenagers anymore for whom sex just makes things infinitely more complicated. Blair has grown enough to know that sex can be simply enjoyable, and she really wants to enjoy it with Dan. And it’s also not like they haven’t had sex before, and they’ve even had sex with each other, and while it’s sweet that Dan is insisting on doing things right this time, Blair is starting to feel ever so slightly frustrated. She tells Dan this and is met with a smiley face on the chat screen. 

‘fuck you, Humphrey.’ Blair spells out.

‘Soon enough’

She’s about to end the chat, close her laptop and talk to him another time when she hears the bleep of the messenger program and Dan has again melted her heart.

‘I miss you.’

Blair guesses she can wait a little longer. 

Things slow down at work and they’re ready to launch the Waldorf Designs runway show. One morning Blair wakes up with the sun shining through the skylights in her loft apartment and it’s a beautiful Parisian day, and Blair ponders what the sunrise would look like on the Pacific Coast, and suddenly she makes a decision. 

She has a good staff. They’ve done fashion week dozens of times before. Blair is usually there the whole time, but she thinks this year she can let them take care of things and take a break. She leaps out of bed and calls her assistant, telling her that plans are changing, that Blair won’t be attending the show after all. Then she goes to her closet, grabs her carry on and starts to throw clothes into it. 

What is the weather on the Pacific Coast like in the spring, she wonders?

Blair is going to California. 

By the time she lands at LAX, Blair has been in the air for almost twelve hours. Her body is aching for sleep but she still has at least an hour of driving, probably more. It’s afternoon in LA and with a little luck she can get on the road and out of rush hour traffic. It’s strange being on the West Coast, with its expansive freeways and cars everywhere, and Blair misses the compactness of Paris and New York, where you call a car to get you where you need to be and there aren’t a million different ways to get there. 

Blair has one stop to make before she heads towards Dan’s house. She asks for directions to a nearby bookstore, makes her purchase and then she’s on the road. She ends up stuck in traffic despite efforts not to be, and almost two hours later she’s pulling her rental car into the driveway of Dan’s Laguna Beach bungalow. 

Blair tucks the small pile of books she bought under her arm and she makes her way to the front door, squinting in the late afternoon sunlight, hoping that Dan is actually home because she didn’t call to tell him she was coming. She raps her knuckles on the wood front door and stands there, waiting, then raps again, a little harder. Finally she hears the sound of the lock unclicking and the doorknob turns. 

“Blair!” Dan says, his face surprised to open his door and find her standing on the porch. “What the hell?”

His words mirror her own when she had found him in the hallway outside her apartment weeks ago. 

“Seven dates?” Blair says, pushing past him. He’s wearing a pair of shorts and an old ratty t-shirt, and if Blair wasn’t so tired she might find a way to say something about the sorry state of California chic these days, but all she wants to do is wrap her arms around him then find a bed to collapse into and sleep. 

She hands him the books and he looks at them. They are tourist books; a Lonely Planet guide, a book listing restaurants, Southern California day trips. 

“What are these,” Dan asks. Blair smiles tiredly at him. 

“If we have five more dates to go I thought we could use some inspiration to find some different things to do.” 

Dan laughs and it’s one of those hearty chuckles that come deep from the belly, and Blair can tell from the look on his face that he’s thoroughly amused.

“It’s a long way to come for a booty call, Waldorf.”

Blair laughs back.

“Well, it’s not like you were going to do anything about our predicament, Humphrey. A girl has needs. Drastic times call for drastic measures. Now, where is your guest room. I need to sleep.”

She feels like she’s about to fall over, exhaustion seeps into her bones. 

Dan leads her down the hallway and Blair trails after him, her head nodding. She knows she should stay up and fight jet lag, but she also has time. She has no schedule for returning to Paris, so she doesn’t have to rush the time change adjustment. 

Blair lies down on the bed without pulling down the quilt that covers it and Dan says something about being glad that he had just changed the sheets a few days ago, tells her that he’ll be writing in his office if she needs anything, and then he leans over her and kisses her softly on the forehead and murmurs in her ear. 

“Sleep well my love.”

The last thing Blair remembers is a blanket being thrown over her and then she drifts away into dreamland with Dan’s words repeating over and over again in her head.

My love.

It’s dark when Blair wakes up and she turns over to blearily look at the clock to find that it’s 2 am. 

Fuck. She hates jet lag. 

By the time Dan wakes up Blair has been out for a run, enjoying the amazing views of the ocean. She has made coffee and found a bakery down the street that has passable pain au chocolate, and is eating one when Dan stumbles into the kitchen, rubbing his eyes, his hair sticking up everywhere.

“You’re really here.”

Blair smiles.

“I’m really here.” 

Dan comes up behind her and wraps his arms around her then sleepily buries his face in the back of her neck and Blair’s breath catches. 

“Good morning,” he says, his voice muffled by her hair. 

Blair isn’t sure anyone should be this happy. She leans back and lets herself rest against Dan’s chest. After a long minute, he lets her go and walks around the kitchen counter and pours himself a cup of coffee. 

“So, what’s your plan, Waldorf?” Dan asks, sipping his coffee, his eyes gazing over the cup, amused.

“Well,” Blair starts. “I have a few ideas.”

She tells him she wants to do something truly touristy, and Dan says Venice Beach might do the trick. He has a meeting in LA in a couple days and he tells her she can come with him. 

“And I want to eat at your favorite restaurant.”

“Easy enough.” Dan says. 

“And I want to go to Napa.”

Dan does that eyebrow thing he does that tells her he might find her suggestion a little unrealistic.

“Ummm, Blair, do you know where Napa is? It’s a long drive from here.”

Blair blinks innocently. 

“I thought a day of wine tasting sounded good.”

“Maybe we can go in the fall for the crush, but if we’re trying to get these dates done somewhat quickly...”

Dan’s voice is suggestive and Blair remembers the point of her trip. She licks her lips and wishes they were past their seven dates. She also likes that Mr. Here and Now is thinking about doing something together in the future. 

“Ummmmm,” Blair stutters, distracted, suddenly unable to focus, “golf?”

Dan’s eyebrows go up again, this time in surprise. 

“Golf?” he repeats.

“Isn’t that what you do in California?”

“Um, I don’t really like golf.” Dan says. Neither does Blair, so she tells him they can scratch that. 

“A day at the beach?” Blair suggests.

“Only if you wear a bikini.”

She hasn’t worn a bikini in years, which means they’ll need to do some shopping. Blair thinks she’ll need to pick up some sunscreen as well. And sunglasses. She doesn’t want to burn. 

“And we should definitely go to San Diego.” Dan says quickly. “it’s not too far.” 

Blair bites into the acceptable pain de chocolate and watches Dan from across the kitchen counter. 

“Does that make five?” she asks, then takes another bite. 

“Four, I think,” Dan answers, “but I want to plan the fifth date.”

Blair shrugs. 

“Sure. It’s only fair since I’m doing all the work.” 

Dan laughs. 

They start that day, having lunch at Dan’s favorite taqueria located along the beach, and Blair eats shrimp tacos spritzed with cilantro and lime, wrapped in corn tortillas, and she slathers them in fresh salsa and licks her fingers when she’s done. Dan laughs at how uncouth she can be at times. They drink margaritas out of plastic cups and Blair feels warm and fuzzy, and she reaches across the table and grabs Dan’s hand. 

“This is nice,” she says. 

Afterward they walk along the beach and Blair rests her head on Dan’s shoulder and mumbles something about being tired as her early morning catches up with her, and Dan pokes her in the ribs and tells her that she’s going to have stay awake if she wants to adjust to the time change. They go back to his bungalow and Dan makes Blair dinner, and they curl up on the couch and watch a movie, Dan preventing Blair from drifting off by providing color commentary, and she lies curled in his lap, her head resting on his chest. The sun goes down and the stars come out, and they are shining brightly over the ocean and Blair finally can let her eyes drift shut. 

Four more dates to go. 


	7. Where Blair Goes Native and Eats a Burger

They go shopping the next morning. They are both armed with to-go cups full of hot coffee and Dan made her some sort of scramble for breakfast, with toast on the side and jam, and Blair notices he still likes his jam the same way he always has. Blair told him the breakfast was great and commented on how it appears his fancy kitchen isn’t just for show, which just resulted in him throwing a dish towel at her and telling her she had earned kitchen duty. 

She drives and he directs her, and they end up at an outdoor mall, with long, clean walkways and palm trees in the middle of wide courtyards, and everything is sparkling and unnaturally clean. Blair comments that malls are such an American thing and Dan quips back at her.

“Toto, we’re not in Paris anymore.”

She makes a face at him.

He makes her buy something called boardshorts, and Blair thinks it’s been a long time since she wore shorts for anything but working out, and she grabs some plain tank tops, because Dan says it can get warm, and he suggests she buy a scarf too. 

“Why?” she asks.

“You’ll see.” Dan grins, but he won’t tell her why it might come in handy later, and unless he has some sort of kink on the brain, Blair can’t guess. 

Dan laughs at her when she buys five kinds of sunscreen and Blair tells him that she’s as delicate as a lily, and Dan responds that he knows that’s not entirely true. Then she finds a pair of fashionable, oversized sunglasses and when she tries them on he says she looks just like Jackie O. Blair doesn’t mind the comparison. 

They go back to Dan’s house. 

“So what today?” Blair asks, sliding her hands around Dan’s waist, resting her head on his back. They are standing in his driveway, Blair not caring if she’s making a scene or causing the neighbors to gossip. Touching him grounds her. 

“L.A.” Dan answers, “I have a meeting.”

It’s their date doing touristy things. Blair smiles because Blair Waldorf fifteen years ago wouldn’t have been caught dead doing anything remotely tacky, and here she was looking forward to a day filled with ridiculousness, as long as she was by Dan’s side. 

“And the best part,” Dan turns around but somehow Blair manages to keep her arms around his waist. She looks up at him, waiting for him to reveal the best part. He clicks something on his keychain and the garage door slide up and open and Blair sees inside is sitting a Jeep, the soft sides missing, the top open. 

“Oh no, Humphrey.” she says. “There’s no way I’m getting in that thing.”

“It’s the California lifestyle,” Dan laughs. “You want the real experience, right? Sunshine, wind in your hair. We’re going to make a California girl out of you yet.” 

Blair mutters something about the death of California chic and how she won’t be caught dead in that car.

“Dirt will be flying into my eyes.”

“You bought sunglasses.”

“My hair will be a mess.”

“The scarf...”

The scarf. Blair makes a face at Dan and decides she won’t win this one. They can take his godawful Jeep and she will try to be a good sport. 

“Fine.” Blair sighs. “Although we could actually take my rental and it has air conditioning.”

“Oh, you’ll get plenty of air in the Jeep.”

She ignores him. 

Half an hour later, after Blair has put on her shorts and a tank top, they are bouncing down the highway and Blair is gripping the seat belt, the scarf wrapped in her hair, glancing over at Dan now and then as they make their way to the City of Angels. 

Blair sits in the studio lobby and sneers at Dan when he suggests she take up soduku to pass the time while she waits for him to be done. She tells him not to worry about her, that she’ll be plotting her revenge for making her ride in the Jeep. Dan smiles and tells her that he has a surprise for her when he gets done. 

It’s not a surprise Blair likes much. 

“Really Humphrey?” she asks. “I mean, I did want to do typical tourist things, but REALLY?” 

They are standing outside a building that bears a sign reading Starline Tours. It’s one of those horrid things where they drive you around to see where movie stars live. 

“It just seems like the penultimate touristy thing to do, and I’ve always been curious.” Dan says, looking pointedly over at a middle aged couple gazing intently at the board listing the different types of tours, the woman with big hair and loud makeup, the man wearing socks pulled up to his knees, and Blair thinks they couldn’t scream tourist more loudly if they’d been paid to play tourists in a movie. 

“This is going to be two hours of my life I’m going to want back.” Blair hurumphs. 

She’s wrong. She and Dan end up in the back of the tour bus, giggling like two teenagers and Dan entertains her with his real life stories about movies stars he’s encountered, even a few whose houses they end up sitting outside of while an overly perky tour guide yammers on into his headset. Dan holds her hand the entire time, and she discovers that doing practically anything with Dan isn’t a waste of time. 

Next is Venice Beach. It’s getting late and Blair’s stomach is starting to growl. They wander down the boardwalk, stopping here and there to watch various street performances, to browse through street vendor carts, or to gaze at the Venice Art Walls. Then Dan stops in front of what appears to be a burger joint and tells Blair they’ll be eating dinner there.

“Really?” Blair asks. “Burgers?”

“Not just burgers, Blair.” Dan says. “In-n-Out Burger.”

Blair blinks. What Dan is saying with such conviction makes no sense to her. If he was to mention some high-brow restaurant where the chef was featured in some national magazine and the specialty was pan-asian, maybe Blair could understand, but burgers? 

“Okay, Humphrey. Burgers.” 

“It’s a Southern California institution.”

Dan buys her a double meat and they order french fries and milkshakes, and Blair thinks that maybe Dan needs to re-evaluate his diet because yesterday they were eating tacos and today it’s burgers. But the food is good and Blair finds Dan again laughing at her because she’s licking her fingers again.

“You’re dragging me down, Humphrey.” Blair says, glaring at him. “This would never fly in Paris, or New York for that matter.” 

He makes her buy a t-shirt. A keepsake, he tells her. In-n-Out Burger is universal. You never know when you’ll have to win over a client by making some colloquial reference. She has business in L.A., right? She can wear it to meetings. 

Blair throws a french fry at Dan. 

They are back on the road again, heading back to Dan’s house. Back home, and Blair leans into her seat, feeling satisfied and tired. The wind is blowing the strands of hair that have managed to escape from her scarf and the vibrations of the Jeep slowly lure her to sleep. 

Dan shakes Blair awake when they reach his house and she smiles sleepily at him. 

“Time for bed, Blair,” Dan whispers. She nods. 

Blair only slept in the guest room that first night when she was exhausted from jet lag. The next night when Dan kissed her goodnight and started walking toward his bedroom, Blair told him to wait for her, that she didn’t come all this way to sleep alone. Dan had given her one of his lopsided smiles and took her hand in his, but made sure to remind her that she wasn’t to try any monkey business. Blair promised to behave herself. 

Dan is already in bed when Blair comes out of the bathroom, his chest bare, and Blair lets her eyes roam for just one moment. He breaks into a grin when he sees what she’s decided to wear to bed. It’s the In-n-Out Burger t-shirt. 

“I thought it might as well be put to good use.” Blair says, sliding into bed next to him. She rests her head on his chest and feels it rising up and down, listens to his heartbeat. 

“Was it an okay day,” Dan asks, his hand playing with her hair.

“Passable,” Blair says. 

“Three more dates to go.” he murmurs, his fingers moving to her shoulder, sliding along her skin, but Blair doesn’t respond. She’s asleep.

They go to San Diego the next day, but this time Blair drives. Air conditioning, she says. Blair leafs through the tourist books as Dan drives and tells him there’s a contemporary art museum in La Jolla, and she wants to go to the Gaslamp District, and they should go to the beach too. 

They spend the day just walking around, looking in little shops, eating good food, holding hands as they wander along the waterfront, looking at giant yachts that speak to the wealth in San Diego alongside the fishing trawlers that serve as reminders of the city’s maritime history. 

The sun is going down as they leave to go back to Laguna Beach and Blair stares out the window as they drive up the coast, looking out at the ocean that seems to go on forever, the beaches lined with the white caps of waves crashing to the shore.

“Beautiful.” Blair sighs, not meaning to have said what she was thinking. Dan glances over at her. 

“Yes.” he agrees, and Blair blushes because she knows he’s not talking about the view of the Pacific. 

It’s dusk when the return to his bungalow and Dan takes Blair’s hand as they walk toward the front door, and he’s not saying anything, which is somewhat unusual, and when they finally get inside, he turns and pulls her into his arms and kisses her. 

“Dan,” Blair gasps, then kisses him back. 

This isn’t sweet like most of his kisses have been. It’s rough and insistent and barely controlled and Blair realizes that Dan has been hanging by a thread, and so has she, because something snaps and she can’t get enough of him.

Dan growls, a deep, rumbly sound in his chest, then pulls back, ending the kiss, and he is staring into her eyes, breathing hard, and Blair licks her lips and wants him to kiss her again, not caring that they both know where that will lead. 

“Sorry,” Dan pants, still staring at her.

“It’s really okay,” Blair pants back, breathing just as hard as him. “I don’t mind...we can cheat...”

She doesn’t say what she really wants to, which is to bed Dan to drop all of this and fuck her now because she wants him badly and it’s only getting worse the longer they wait, and she might explode. She doesn’t say any of that. 

“No. I said seven dates, and I meant it.” His voice is gravelly and she can tell that he’s grasping for control. Blair smiles.

“Two more.” she whispers. 

“Two more.” Dan repeats, kissing her forehead. 

The next day is beach day. This time they don’t drive anywhere because Dan lives within walking distance from a beautiful, sandy beach. He packs a lunch and drinks in a hard-sided rolling cooler and tosses a sunshade over his shoulder then throws a beach blanket at Blair. She is wearing the apparently required beach day state dress code: boardshorts over the bikini she’d picked up during their trip to the mall. Dan glances at her outfit appreciatively.

“You’re blending in, Waldorf.”

Blair makes fun of his sun shade, remembering a time when all Blair wanted to do was flirt with boys and soak up the sun in St. Barts, and worry about tan lines. Way back when she was young, and Dan reminds her that they are older now and there are other worries, like skin cancer. Then he points out the large straw hat she’s wearing, and Blair smiles back and tells him that he’s made his point. 

She slides into a pair of flip flops, another one of her purchases, and complains about how they feel on her toes and Dan says he may have misjudged her, she has a long way to go before she’s mistaken for a local. Blair throws her five kinds of sunscreen into a bag she found in the back of Dan’s closet and they head out for the day. 

It’s a lazy kind of day. Dan pulls out several books, telling Blair that he picked out his favorites, and they lie on the blanket, reading and sipping cold lemonade that Dan made fresh that morning. They eat lunch then nap under the sunshade, Blair feeling languid and content, and she thinks she likes spending the day at the beach. Later they pack up and walk to a nearby ice cream place where Dan makes fun of the fact that Blair picks out plain old vanilla and Blair responds by telling him that she’s not very vanilla in plenty of other areas of her life, and the blush that climbs his cheeks shows Blair that he gets her point. 

Then they go home. Blair is tired from the sun and there is sand on her skin and in her hair, and her skin is a little salty from the breeze coming off the ocean, and she thinks that this might have been the most perfect day so far. Dan makes dinner, grilling salmon and a variety of vegetabes on the gas grill that dominates his deck, and they eat in silence until Blair clears her throat. 

“So, we’ve been to your favorite restaurant and done touristy things. We’ve been to San Diego and the beach. What next?”

Dan takes a bit of his salmon and grins at her. Tomorrow will be their seventh date and he made her promise to let him plan it. 

“It’s a surprise.”

“Dan!”

“I’m not going to tell you.”

Blair harrumphs and almost decides to make it impossible for him to keep his plans a secret using her feminine wiles, but changes her mind. She’s waited this long, she can wait a little longer.

“So, have you liked this?” Dan asks, spearing a slightly charred mushroom.

“This?” Blair doesn’t know what he’s getting at.

“This, you know, dating.”

They are sitting at Dan’s kitchen counter and Blair has forgotten all her responsibilities. Waldorf Designs is the furthest thing from her mind, and every morning she wakes up to Dan and breakfast and adventure instead of meetings and emails. Has she liked it? She has loved it, loved every single moment of it, and she’s glad that Dan decided to do this right, because it’s been wonderful. 

She tells him this, using the same word she used so long ago. He was wonderful back then, and he’s wonderful now. Dan Humphrey has only gotten better with time and Blair has discovered what she wants in life is more than to be a woman of power. She wants to have love in her life too. Fifteen years have brought them to this moment, sitting together, eating a great dinner overlooking the Pacific Ocean, spending time together. So yes, she has liked all of it. Every single moment. 

One more date. 

Blair is tingling with anticipation when nestles into Dan that night, and it’s hard for her to fall asleep, but she does and the last thing she remembers is him whispering her name. 

When Blair wakes up the next morning she’s alone. She stretches a little and smiles, thinking that no one deserves to be this happy. Sliding out of bed, she pulls at the hem of her In-n-Out Burger t-shirt that she’s worn to bed every night since Dan made her buy it. She hears noises from the kitchen and she pads down the hallway, wondering what Dan has made for breakfast, amused at their domesticity. 

He is at the stove, sauteing something in a pan and Blair slides her arms around his waist in what has become their customary morning greeting, taking in how he smells fresh and she realizes that he’s already showered that morning. He must have gotten up earlier than usual. 

“Good morning.” she murmurs. 

Dan turns off the stove and turns around and kisses her. It’s not his usual ‘good morning, how did you sleep’ kiss. There’s an edge of desperation. Blair breaks away and gazes up at him, searching his face, wondering what’s different. 

“So?” she asks. 

“So, what?”

“Well, what are we doing to do today? You know, our last date.”

Dan’s eyes search her own and she sees them darken. His arms are sliding around her waist and he is pulling her closer, and they are pressing against each other, not space between their bodies, and Blair feels like she can’t breathe because suddenly she wants him with a surprising ferocity, and she feels liquid warmth sliding up her spine with his touch. 

ohgodohgodohgod

She bites her bottom lip, trying to hold in a gasp, and her stomach feels like it's full of butterflies. 

“We’re staying in.” Dan says, his voice cracking a little, and Blair knows that he’s finally decided that the time is right, and they’re about to pass the point of no return, and she’s never wanted anything so badly, and she briefly thanks the universe for Daniel Humphrey’s stubbornness and insistence on doing this right, because what might have been acceptable and totally enjoyable sex is now shattering her into a million wonderful pieces. 

This is so right. 

The tone of his voice makes Blair’s knees feel weak and she’s not sure how she’s still standing. He leans forward, and finally, finally, he kisses her in the way she’s been dreaming of.

Finally. 

The seventh date might be the best one yet.


	8. The Seventh Date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan proves he's not easy. Blair decides it was worth it. Dan says too much.

Dan is kissing her over and over, his tongue tangling with hers, sucking on her bottom lip, and Blair is kissing him back, and there is nothing slow or sweet about this. It’s rough and desperate and Blair has been waiting for this moment for months. She’s been wanting him since they shared that dance at Serena and Nate’s wedding, since his arms went around her and his fingers ran across the bare skin of her back and she realized that almost everything can change over fifteen years but some things stay the same. 

Almost the same. 

She has always felt intensely about Dan, always liked the way he sends electric shocks through her body that make her feel like jelly, and while she may have been confused about whether or not she loved him, Blair has never been confused about whether or not she wanted him.

She’s still not. 

She wants him. Right now.

They haven’t left the kitchen and Dan is still kissing her and he slowly walks her backwards until she feels the counter pushing into her back, and his hands are sliding under her t-shirt, pushing it up, finding her breasts and her nipples are hard under his fingertips and Blair gasps his name against his lips.

dan

How can he do this to her. How can she completely unravel around him until there is no coherent thought left in her head.

She slips her hands under his shirt, and when her fingers find his skin she feels that electric shock again and Dan moans against her mouth, a deep, rumbly sound, and she aches so badly that she wants to beg for relief, beg for it to stop, at the same time she never wants to stop feeling like this. 

never stop

His mouth grows more urgent, threatening to consume her, and Blair deepens the kiss, opening her mouth wider, taking in more of him, and there is nothing sweet about this anymore. It’s just stripped down lust. 

Dan’s hand slides out from under Blair’s shirt and she’s about to protest when she feels his fingers hook around her panties and start to tug them down, and she hisses the word, ‘yes’ against his mouth.

yesyesyesyesyes

Her panties drop to the floor and Blair kicks them away and Dan breaks the kiss and Blair whimpers in protest, but then realizes that he’s only struggling to get off his pants and boxers, and then his lips are back on hers and he’s hoisting her up. Blair wraps herself around him, legs around his waist, arms around his neck, and his hand are on her ass, and then he’s inside her and Blair gasps, no longer feeling the edge of the counter pushing into her backside. 

She is undone.

This feels familiar, like a certain elevator on a certain night long ago, and Dan starts to move and before long they’re both coming, gripping each other, struggling to hold onto each other, a sheen of sweat slicking their bodies and Dan is still inside her, his arms wrapped around her and he’s kissing her, this time slowly and sweetly and Blair realizes that her cheeks are wet with tears. 

She likes this date. She likes staying in. 

Dan keeps her in his arms and he carries her back to his bedroom and they climb into bed, Blair nestling as close to Dan as she possibly can, wanting to melt into him, and her eyelids feeling heavy so she closes them, and finally finds the will to speak. 

“Thank you.” she whispers, still feeling shockwaves coursing through her body. She knows Dan is smiling his casual, happy, lopsided smile, but she still can’t open her eyes. 

“That was pretty damn good,” he says, a hand idly rubbing her arm. 

“Mmmmmm.” Blair moans, feeling even more languid, letting her body sink into the comfortable bed. She would agree with him, tell him that he had managed to blow her mind, but coherent thought was proving difficult. 

“Maybe the best I’ve ever had.” 

Blair opens her eyes and looks up at him. She sees the smile she’d imagined plastered on Dan’s face and he looks as happy as she feels. 

“Better than elevator sex?”

“Oh god, yes.”

Blair swats at him in mock irritation, telling him that elevator sex wasn’t that bad. They were just both better now than they had been back then. Dan answers that clearly some things improved with time, like wine and stinky cheese, and clearly, morning sex against the kitchen counter. Blair can’t disagree with him. 

They are quiet for a long time, just lying there, tangled up in each other, legs intertwined, Blair tracing random patterns across Dan’s stomach. She can hear the sound of the ocean, the roar of the waves breaking onto the sand, and in the distance gulls squawk, and a little breeze blows through the open window of Dna’s bedroom. Blair clears her throat a little then speaks again.

“What are you thinking about,” she asks. 

Dan teases her about being such a girl, wanting to know what he’s thinking and Blair threatens to clock him with a pillow.

“No really, I want to know.”

“Whether or not I have the energy to fuck you again right now or if I need five more minutes.”

“Boys and sex,” Blair signs, “is that all you think about?”

“Actually, no. I can go a whole five minutes without thinking about it now, although being around you the last few days has decreased my success rate.”

Blair smiles. 

“You’re so grown up.” 

Blair likes that she this this effect on Dan. 

“So, what are you thinking about?” Dan asks her back, his hand going down to her thigh and Blair is suddenly finding it difficult to think at all.

“I’m thinking that this is all really nice.” 

An unreadable look passes over Dan’s face then he rolls on top of her and pins her under his weight, and now he’s grinning wolfishly. 

“Really, really nice.” Blair whispers. “Super awesome. But maybe we could improve....”

Dan gets her hint. He’s kissing her again, but this time it’s slow and sweet, almost lazy, and Blair takes the time to really savor how his mouth moves on hers. He breaks the kiss and starts kissing his way down, trailing butterfly kisses down the side of her neck, nips at her collarbone, lingers at her breasts, taking her nipple into his mouth and sucking on it and Blair utters a curse word followed by his name and tries not to beg. Then his mouth is making its way across her abdomen and his hands are pushing her thighs apart, and Blair throws her head back and bites her lips because, because...

Dan stops moving and they are still. 

“Seriously?” Blair gasps, almost quivering with anticipation, annoyed that he has decided to pause at that very moment. Then she decides that she’s not below begging. “Please.”

pleasepleasepleaseplease

What kind of amazing places can this man take her to? Blair manages to think that she’s about to find out when Dan goes down on her and Blair calls out his name. 

They stay in the rest of the day, having sex, eating, having more sex, making up for lost time. Dinner time arrives and they manage to throw on some clothes and Dan makes them pasta with spring peas and prosciutto and shaved parmesan and pours two glasses of deep red wine, and they sit on his deck with plates balanced on their laps, watching the sunset. 

“I think you were on to something,” Blair says, glancing over at Dan, then taking another bite of her pasta.

“What do you mean,” Dan asks, taking a sip from the glass of wine that is sitting on the side table next to his chair. 

“This whole waiting thing.” Blair answers, “I thought you were crazy. I wanted this the moment I saw you in New York.” 

“I know.” Dan smiles. “You’ve made that very clear.”

Blair wasn’t 21 anymore, and it’s actually not like she’s ever been afraid to ask for sex, but she’s grown comfortable with making her needs known. Still, she blushes with Dan’s words. 

“But this, well, the sex, but all of this,” Blair continues, gesturing around her, “it’s, well, it’s really nice.”

“So, you’re telling me you’re glad we did this right.”

Blair nods. Yes, that’s exactly what she’s telling him. She’s deeply grateful that he decided to do it right, even if it drove her crazy at times. 

“Thank you, Humphrey,” Blair says, stabbing her fork at her plate. 

“No problem, Waldorf. And I’m glad you came here to finish up our dates,” Dan grins. “Otherwise it could have been many more months. I don’t know if I would have survived.”

She doesn’t know if she would have survived either, but now they don’t have to find out. 

Blair puts down her plate and stands up, then she walks over to stand in front of Dan and takes his plate out of his hands, setting it down next to his wine glass. Then she folds herself into his lap and feels his arms come around her and nestles her head into the crook of his neck. 

“This is better.” Blair signs. “So much better.” 

She likes the here and now. 

Dan smiles up at her and searches her eyes, then he tells her that he loves her, and Blair answers back that she loves him too, like it’s the most natural thing in the world, then Dan is kissing her again and she wants to joke with him about how much stamina he thinks she has, but instead she kisses him back and thinks she has just enough energy for one more round. 

This time they make love, Dan whispering line after line of prose between the kisses he drops on her skin and Blair thinks of the story he delivered to her in Paris, at least a lifetime ago, and how he had put his heart onto paper. 

Blair grips Dan’s hair and wishes she had Dan’s gift for words, because all she can do it tell him that she loves him between kisses, but she wants to tell him to much more. She wants to tell him that she has her heart and that he always has, and she wants to tell him she’s sorry that she wasted so much time, although she knows Dan would tell her that their past means nothing because they’re here, right now. 

Here and now. 

Instead she straddles him and looks down at him, placing her hands on either side of his face a and lets her eyes tell him everything she can’t say with words. 

She is overcome. Overcome with everything that has come to pass, and she lowers herself onto him and watches as his eyes grow wide and his mouth falls open, and all she wants is to make him feel as good as he’s made her feel. They move in time, bodies slick, Blair’s hair hanging down around her face, his hands on her hips, and she watches as he lets go, slack jawed, gasping her name, then she feels the melting spread and Blair lets go as well. 

It’s been an amazing day. 

They collapse against each other and Dan is looking up at her, his hand sliding along the skin of her back and he smiles and then the does something that changes everything in a split second. As he looks at her Blair can see the love in his eyes, radiating into her, and she feels warm and happy and she wants nothing more than this, and nothing less, and then it all shatters when Dan reaches up and strokes her face with his fingertips and his mouth opens and in a single moment he violates everything that he’s told her they’re about. No more here and now. No more just today.

“Marry me.” he whispers. 

Blair falls apart with his words, and not in a good way.


	9. Running Away

As soon as the words are out of Dan’s mouth he looks like he’d like to put them back it and it must be because of the look on Blair’s face. But they can’t go back in, they hang in the air between them, and Blair feels like she wants to die.

Too much. Too soon. 

“I...I can’t.” Blair stutters, and she feels tears forming in her eyes. How can she go from being so incredibly happy to destroyed in a matter of seconds. 

He has violated his own terms, has leapt into the future and Blair isn’t ready and she knows that nothing is going to be the same after this moment. 

She is still on top of him, and he’s saying her name, pleading, his hands holding her arms and Blair looks away because she can’t keep looking at him. It hurts too much. 

“I’m sorry.” Dan says. Blair is sorry too. 

She rolls off him and lies down next to him, curled up with her knees to her chest, her back against him, and Dan says nothing, just wraps his arms around her and holds her. 

Blair returns to Paris. Dan sits on the bed as she packs her bags, stuffing in the tank tops and shorts and flip flops, although she knows she won’t be needing them again anytime soon. There won’t be days at the beach in Paris, and Blair won’t have time for any vacations. She tells him she never was able to stay long anyway, but they both know that Dan’s words are what started this rush back to reality.

“If I could only take them back,” Dan says as she zips her carryon shut. 

“You can’t.” Blair says, smiling sadly, wishing things were different. She’s not sure if she actually wants him to take them back anyway, she just wasn’t ready to hear them. Not yet. 

“It’s not like I don’t want that, Blair.” Dan sighs. “It’s not a lie. I want to marry you.”

“I know,” Blair sighs. “I just...I’m just not....”

She can’t do it again. Blair married Chuck for all the wrong reasons and she just can’t do it again. She likes the way she is with Dan. She doesn’t want marriage to make things different, the way it did with Chuck. She’s afraid. 

“I’m not him.” Dan says, still watching her and Blair flinches, because as always, he has a way of understanding what she’s thinking that leaves her spinning. 

“I know,” and Blair is telling the truth. Dan Humphrey compared to Chuck Bass is like comparing the hot, burning sun to the cool, lifeless moon. It’s just that she can’t go down that path again, and now that she knows that’s what Dan wants, things feel different. 

“I love you.” Dan says, resigned and she knows he wishes loving each other could make a difference for her, but Blair loves him also, and that doesn’t make things feel better. 

They make love that night, and Blair cries but this time it’s not because she’s happy. It’s because she’s leaving and she can’t see the future, and Dan has taken away the here and now, and she is filled with anguish. Afterward they hold each other, Blair pushing away sleep because she wants to have every possible moment she can with Dan, wants to remember how he feels in her arms, and he falls asleep long before her so she can study his face without interruption, commit it to memory. 

It may be all she has left. 

She can’t let go of him at the airport and it’s Paris all over again, but Blair is heavy hearted for different reasons this time. She just holds him, pressing her face into his shirt, trying to hold back the tears. 

“Don’t let me go.” Blair whispers. “Call me, write me, because I love you despite all of this crap.”

“I won’t.” Dan promises. She’s asking for time. He’s telling her that he’ll give it. Still, she’s ripped to shreds inside. She holds onto him tighter, then she lets go, grabs her carry on handle and gives him one last peck on the cheek. 

She cries the entire flight home. 

Blair throws herself into work. It takes her a couple days to recover from her jet lag, for her eyes to be less puffy from crying, then she’s back to her previous life, full of meetings and decisions but it’s not like before and she feels like she’s sleepwalking through each day. She had hoped being busy might make a difference. It doesn’t. 

She can’t eat. Blair picks at the food made by the chef in Waldorf Design’s private dining room and it’s top of the line, haute cuisine but it all tastes like cardboard and she knows she’s losing weight. Instead she lives on coffee, cup after cup, trying to chase away the tiredness that plagues her. 

Dan emails her every day. 

He tells her that he can’t write, that he’s behind on his script, that all he can do is pace and miss her and everywhere he goes he’s reminded of her, and he wishes things were different. So does Blair. 

He ends every email with the same sentence,

come home

Blair remembers that Dan told her in New York that he had a house, but he hadn’t had a home in a long time. She knows that he’s not asking her to return to California, to his house on the beach, to long day spent holding hands and beautiful sunsets. He’s asking her to return to him. He’s telling her that he’s found his home and it’s Blair. She cries the first time she realizes this. 

They are stuck in some sort of limbo.

Blair knows how to break it. She knows all she has to do is call him with an answer, to say what she really wants to, which is the word, ‘yes’. She wants to agree to spend the rest of her life with him, to commit to him in front of friends and family, to be his wife. But something holds her back, some spector from the past that haunts her and grips her, and Blair’s fear is overwhelming, and she just wants what they were back. 

She cries every night and in the mornings she applies cold cucumber slices and ice packs to try to hide the puffiness that comes from too many tears.

Serena visits. She and Nate are vacationing in Spain and it’s that hard to make a stop in Paris, and the two friends spend an afternoon walking around the city, drinking parisian coffee and eating brioche. Serena tells Blair that she has news, that he’s going to have a baby, and she rubs her belly with some sort of motherly knowledge and Blair smiles and tells her that she’s happy for the both of them. She really is happy, and Serena is glowing and smiling, and Blair feels a sting in her soul, because this is what Dan was asking her, to have what Serena has, and she doesn’t know why she can’t just reach out and grab it. 

Serena asks about Dan, and Blair answers that it’s complicated, and Serena frowns and says that it didn’t look that complicated at her wedding. 

“You love him.” Serena says, reaching across the cafe table and grabbing Blair’s hand. “What more do you need.”

“I don’t know.” Blair sighs. If she knew, she wouldn’t be in Pairs heartbroken. She’d be in California, or Dan would be here with her. 

Blair tells Serena that she wishes she had just an ounce of her happiness and thinks that after all her friend has been through, she deserves Nate and this baby and everything else wonderful in the world. Serena hugs her and tells her that she deserves happiness too. Blair wishes she could believe what her friend says. 

When Blair gets back to her apartment she calls her assistant and has her send an expensive baby gift to Serena and Nate at their New York address. 

She goes on like this. Working, barely eating, missing Dan. They talk every few days and often their conversations are filled with silence, Blair listening to him breath across continents and oceans. 

“How can I fix this?” Dan asks. Blair sighs and tells him that he can’t. And she doesn’t know how, and she asks him how his writing is coming along and he asks if she’s ready for London’s fashion week, and they talk about work because talking about their relationship gets them nowhere. 

“I wish I’d never said it,” Dan says during one phone call. “I wish I’d never asked you to marry me.” 

Blair’s heart hurts.

“Don’t say that,” Blair gasps. Everything might be messed up, but she doesn’t want Dan to regret wanting to marry her. 

“I just want you here with me, I want things to be like they were before, and I messed them up, and I’m so sorry.”

Blair tells Dan not to be sorry. Their here and now has been changed, and they just have to get through it to the other side, and it has nothing to do with him and everything to do with her. 

“I love you,” Blair says quietly after another long silence. “That has to mean something.”

She hears Dan’s breath catch on the other end of the line. 

“It means everything, Blair.” he says softly. “Everything.”

Something has to give, has to snap, because Blair feels like everything is building up and if she doesn’t find a way to figure this out, she might lose everything. 

Change comes in an unexpected way, from an unexpected source. 

Blair is working on the ad campaign for London’s fashion week one afternoon when her loyal assistant pokes her head into her office and tells her someone is waiting for her in the lobby. 

“Who is it,” Blair snaps, her voice irritated. She prefers that people make appointments and doesn’t appreciate when they stop by unannounced. She’s about to tell her assistant to tell whoever it is to come back another day but Blair thinks that she could use a quick break and her head is starting to hurt and her morning coffee has worn off, so instead she sighs and puts down the campaign proposals on her wide and imposing desk. 

“He didn’t say.” her assistant says, shirking a little, not unfamiliar with her boss’ moods. 

Great, a mysterious visitor who won’t give his name, but then Blair thinks that maybe it’s Dan and he’s pacing in the lobby, waiting for her, wanting to surprise her, and her irritation starts to dissipate and hope starts to grow. 

Blair smiles. 

She heads out of her office and down the hallway, the rich pile carpet muffling her footsteps and everywhere around her people’s heads turn toward their computers and bow as if they are involved in something very important, and Blair is used to the effect she has on her employees. She is loved and feared, and she likes it that way. 

Blair rounds the corner that leads to the lobby and a smile is starting to spread over her face and by the time she steps into the waiting area, filled with modern couches and tall potted plants, she’s convinced she’s going to see him standing there, hands shoved into his pockets, a sheepish smile on his face, so when she finds it to be someone entirely different, someone she had never expected, Blair stops in her tracks and stares. 

It’s like fifteen years never happened, and he looks almost exactly the same, hair carefully styled, nicely pressed Armani suit, a stylish tie carefully knotted at the neck. He is standing, looking around, then he looks at his phone and looks up and sees Blair standing there. He smiles. Blair doesn’t smile back.

“Hello, Blair,” the man says, his voice as smooth as ever, and Blair takes a deep breath and tries to hide her surprise. How long has it been since she saw him? Years? A decade maybe? Then she finds her voice, steps forward and greets him like the professional businesswoman she is.

“Hello Chuck.”


	10. An Unexpected Ally

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Blair discovers that time heals wounds and brings understanding.

Blair leads Chuck back through the maze of cubicles to her office. She offers him some coffee, which he refuses, and she pours herself one. Only after she sits down behind her long, imposing desk does she finally ask him why he’s come to see her after all these years.

“What do you want, Chuck?”

They both know Blair is asking more than the intention of his visit. Why has he come here after all these years. Why now. Why when she hasn’t talked to him since the divorce. 

“A business proposition, Blair.” Chuck says, leaning back into the chair across from her desk, propping one leg on his opposite knee and looking confident. 

Blair feels the tension leave her body and she relaxes. The last thing she needs at the moment is Chuck Bass further complicating her life with his ridiculousness, so a business visit is the only thing she thinks she could handle.

Chuck tells her that he saw the Waldorf Designs store that she just opened in Hong Kong, and Bass Industries is working on developing a huge shopping mall in neighboring Macau, and he’d like her to consider putting in another store, and it would be one of the cornerstone shops in the complex. It’s a great opportunity, and Blair immediately recognizes it. 

“I come to Paris regularly,” Chuck purrs, “so I thought I’d stop by and ask instead of having my head of marketing contact your head of marketing, make it a little more personal.”

Blair is surprised how comfortable she and Chuck are and she thinks that time can actually heal some wounds, and she is happy to find that she feels like she’s sitting across from an old friend, not from her ex-husband or the man she once thought was the love of her life. 

“What brings you to Paris regularly?” Blair asks, because an old friend would ask, and she’s curious. What has Chuck been doing with his life for the last decade, besides building Bass Industries into a mega empire. Chuck smile and Blair sees something she thought she’d never see on Chuck Bass’ face. Happiness.

“Do you remember Eva?” Chuck asks. Blair blinks then laughs. She does remember Eva, who was too sweet and too good, and Blair had made it her job to bring her down. Eva, who brought out the good side of Chuck and had made Blair insane with jealousy.

“You’re seeing her?”

It seems that it’s not only Blair who is intent on revisiting the past. Here Chuck is trying to remake things, trying again. 

“Three years now,” Chuck says. He tells her that they ran into each other at a fundraiser, just a crazy coincidence, and she was as wonderful as he remembered, and he’d asked her out and she said yes, and the rest is history. Eva had an art gallery in Paris, so Chuck split his time between here and Hong Kong, and they were very happy. Blair is happy for them.

“I guess if it works,” Blair says, feeling a little twinge of guilt that she’d never been willing to make it work, always focused on her career, not wanting to bend to Chuck’s will. Chuck seems to sense this line of thought because he erases all her guilt with his next words.

“You never would have been happy with that arrangement, Blair, or happy with me for that fact. . You didn’t love me and Eva does. Nothing can work if both people don’t love each other.”

His words sting. Blair wants to protest, but Chuck is right. She didn’t love him. She loved the idea of loving him. Even when you’ve moved past it, sometimes the truth can hurt. 

“I’m sorry.” Blair murmurs, and she’s sincere. She wishes things had turned out differently, for more than one reason. 

“It doesn’t really matter,” Chuck answers. “It was a long time ago.”

A very long time ago.

They sit without talking, giving their past relationship a respectful moment of silence. Then Chuck speaks again, and Blair could have predicted he would ask her what comes next. What she doesn’t predict is how she answers. 

“What about you. Is there anyone in your life?”

Blair swallows. She thinks about Dan and her heart hurts, and she doesn’t really want to share her anguish with anyone, let alone with Chuck Bass, but for some reason she doesn’t lie or avoid the truth. 

“Uh, yeah.” Blair stutters and looks away, then tells him, “Dan Humphrey and I have been kind of seeing each other.”

Kind of seeing each other, as in spending heady, wonderful days and fucking each others brains out and now all of that hangs in the balance, and Blair starts to realize that the reason is sitting in front of her. 

She doesn’t want Chuck back. She never loved him in the first place. It was the idea of love, and that her devotion to that idea led her to marry him and try to be the wife he wanted, and she lost herself in the process, and Blair can’t quite let go of the feeling that marriage isn’t a good thing. Marriage destroys people. 

Chuck looks astonished for a brief moment, then his face is back to neutral and he smiles. 

“Well, I thought you would have gone down that path years ago.”

Blair blinks in surprise. Chuck has a look on his face, like he knows all her secrets and maybe he actually does. 

“I know, Blair. I know you never loved me and that you loved him instead. I’ve known all along, even before we got married. I just thought I could change things, but you didn’t love me, and I just couldn’t change that no matter how much I tried, and honestly, I didn’t really try that hard.”

She feels the tears start again and Blair tells herself that she won’t cry. Not now. 

“I’m just surprised it took this long. I thought you’d run back to him as soon as you got rid of me.”

“No.” Blair says quietly. She didn’t run back to Dan. She ran to her company, lived out her dream of being powerful, became someone meaningful in the fashion world. She pushed Dan and all other things personal to the back of her mind, shut them away and didn’t let them escape. She didn’t allow herself to actually deal with her mistakes, just avoided them. Maybe if she’d done things differently, maybe she wouldn’t be here and Dan wouldn’t be in California, and they’d have an entirely different life. 

She had learned a long time ago that she can’t build a life on a foundation of regrets. She can’t think about what might have been. But now she was faced with her own actions fifteen years ago, her regrets staring at Blair in the face.

“Well, I’m glad you two have finally figured things out.”

This is the point where the dam breaks. If you’d ever asked Blair Waldorf if there would be any moment in her life that she would pour her heart out to Chuck, her ex-husband, the man who cared more for practically anything and everything other than her, she would have laughed, and then maybe slapped you. But here she is, sitting across from him, and he’s telling her that he’s happy for her and Blair is entirely overwhelmed with her own unhappiness. 

A tear slips down her cheek. 

“We haven’t figured things out,” she tells Chuck. “Far from it.”

Chuck leans forward and he actually looks like he cares, and Blair thinks that she likes this old, wiser Chuck. 

“Do you want to know one thing that I’m sure of, Blair? One thing above everything else. Something I’ve known for a long time?”

She nods, thinking he’s going to impart some sage wisdom, some life-changing quote, or maybe just some old, recycled advice, but then Chuck surprises her again. 

“You love Dan, and he loves you, and nothing else matters.”

“He wants to marry me.” Blair says, her voice cracking. “and I love him and don’t want anyone else, or to be anywhere else, but I’m scared.”

Chuck looks thoughtful.

“Scared because of me? Because we failed?”

Blair nods, another tear slipping down her cheek. Chuck looks around her desk, spies a box of tissue and slides it her way. Blair grabs one and dabs at the tears. 

“I meant it when I told you forever,” Blair says quietly, and it’s the truth. “But it wasn’t forever, and I almost lost myself, and I don’t feel like getting married does anything but complicate things.”

She waits for Chuck to tell her she’s an idiot, but again, he surprises her. He reaches across the desk and takes her hand in his and squeezes it. 

“Listen to me, Blair Cordelia Waldorf,” Chuck says. “None of that matters. You love Dan. You always have. He loves you. Fifteen years hasn’t changed that. So marry him, like he wants you to. It’s that simple.”

“Is it?” Blair sniffs. “Is it really that simple?”

“Yes.” Chuck answers. “It really is. Dan isn’t me, and he’s not going to hurt you like I did. It’s that simple. Marry him.”

Blair stands up and there is a burgeoning feeling of happiness growing inside her and she knows what she needs to do now. She walks around the desk and surprises Chuck by throwing her arms around him and hugging him with ferocity because she thinks he may have just saved her life.

“Thank you,” Blair whispers. “Thank you so much.”

She places a kiss on his cheek and Chuck smiles. It’s the last time they’ll see each other, at least for a long time. Waldorf Designs will open their Macau store six months later, and Blair will be at the opening, but she won’t see Chuck, who will actually be in Paris at that time, helping Eva with her latest opening. Their paths don't cross despite their companies doing business together. But at this moment, Blair realizes that Chuck Bass was the only person who could give her closure. The only person who could unstick her. The only one who could provide the healing she needs. 

“Say ‘hi’ to Dan for me.” 

“I will.” 

Then he’s walking out of her office and Blair is standing there, staring after him, thinking how crazy life can be. She goes back to her chair and looks the clock on her desk. 2:00 pm. The sun will just be peeking over the eastern horizon, casting light over the ocean in Laguna Beach, and Blair imagines that Dan is alseep in his bed, his breathing steady, and she thinks she should wait a couple hours, wait for him to actually wake up, but she doesn’t want to. 

She picks up her phone and dials his number, waiting while it rings. Once. Twice. Three times. Blair thinks maybe he doesn’t hear his phone ringing when Dan’s voice comes on the other end and he sounds sleepy, his words a little slurred.

“Blair?” he asks, his voice hoarse, “is there something wrong?”

“Yes!” Blair blurts out, answering a question he asked her weeks ago, not really hearing what Dan said. The happiness inside her is growing and she feels like she might burst. 

“What!” Dan’s voice is concerned. “Did something happen?” 

Blair realizes her mistake. 

“I mean, uh, no, nothing’s wrong.” Blair stammers. “And I mean yes. Yes... I mean both, no and yes.”

“Blair?”

Dan sounds a little more awake now, and his tone indicates that he might think she’s a little crazy, and Blair tries to slow her rushing thoughts, tries to get out what she wants to tell him coherently. 

“YES!” Blair squeals into the phone, and it feels so good to say it so she says it again and again, and Dan must really think she’s crazy now. “Yes, yes, yes, yes.”

Then she finally gets it out. 

“Yes, I’ll marry you.”

There is silence on the other end of the phone, and Blair waits and waits, wanting him to say something. Then Dan speaks, his voice cracking,and he sounds happy. 

“I’m on the next plane.” 

Yes.


	11. An Actual Proposal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan red eyes to Paris. Blair officially says 'yes'.

The rest of the day is the longest day of Blair’s life. 

She can’t work. After hanging up with Dan, Blair just sits at her desk, staring, knowing she should do something with the pile of papers sitting in front of her, look at her email, bark orders at someone, but truthfully, she can’t really remember anything she’s supposed to be doing. She can’t think of anything else but the fact that Dan is on his way to see her. 

She’s getting married.

If it was fifteen years ago Blair would be on the phone telling all her friends and she’d be showing off her ring and she would make Dorota go out and buy every single wedding magazine on the newsstand. Getting married means a big dress and a big party and big presents when you’re twenty one. Now she just sits and stares and wonders if Dan wants to just go get married tomorrow, to skip all the trappings. 

He won’t. Blair knows this. Dan is going to want to do this right, and that means a real wedding, with Blair in a dress and Dan in a tux, with flowers and music, and cake, with their friends lining the aisles and wishing them the best. He’ll want to stand in front of everyone, take Blair’s hand and tell her that he’s never going to leave her, that he will love her forever. 

She wants this too. 

Blair blinks back tears. She’s cried more in the last six months than she has in years, but these tears are the kind a person has when they can’t hold back the happiness inside. 

Her assistant pokes her perky face around the doorjamb again and asks if Blair wants her to bring in the sketches she asked for, and Blair can’t process what she’s saying so she stares at her blankly for a long moment, then her brain finally makes sense of what her assistant is asking.

“No, uhm, no I don’t want them afterall.” Blair stammers, not caring that her loyal assistant is seeing her pretty much completely undone. “I think I’m done for the day.”

She asks to have the car called around and her assistant nods and turns to leave when Blair calls out and tells her to stop. The girl turns around with a look on her face that says she thinks her boss may have gone mad and asks what else she can do.

“Nothing really,” Blair answers. “It’s just, I wanted to tell someone and you’re here, and I just want someone to know.”

Blair takes a deep breath then lets it all out.

“I’m getting married.”

Her assistant’s eyes widen in surprise. She mutters a quick congratulations then scurries off to call for the car, no doubt wondering who would marry Blair Waldorf. 

Dan Humphrey. That’s who.

When Blair gets home she can’t sit down. She tries to pick up a book, to get lost in someone else’s stories, but she can’t even finish a sentence before the words on the page blur and cease to have meaning. She ends up bumping around the apartment, restless, not able to get comfortable, and as the sun slips over the horizon of the city, bathing everything in a gold-red glow, Blair thinks she really should considering sleeping, but she can’t even imagine closing her eyes. 

She should call Serena. Her dear friend would be excited, and no doubt there would be some squealing over the phone, and Blair quickly calculates that it would be 3 pm in New York, not an unreasonable time to call, but she doesn’t pick up the phone. 

Finally Blair manages to fall asleep on the couch, not wanting to go to her bedroom because she might miss the knock on the door that tells her Dan has finally arrived. It’s 1 am when she gives in to the exhaustion that she can’t deny. 

She is woken by a tap-tapping on her door. 

Blair jerks awake with the sound, and for a moment she is confused, not able to figure out why she’s curled on her couch, and she glances at her phone that she’s still holding and sees that it’s 5 am, and then everything comes flooding back and Blair jumps up, her mouth suddenly dry. 

Dan.

Blair practically runs to her front door, undoing the lock, pulling it open and he’s there, standing on the other side, and she is breathing hard. 

He is rumpled and looks tired, and he needs to shave, but Blair cares about none of this. What she sees is Dan, her Dan. Dan, who loves her and has never given up on her, and now she will marry him, and Blair feels overwhelmed. His eyes are warm and they crinkle a little at the sides because he’s smiling and saying her name as he steps through the doorway, his arms going around her, pulling her towards him, crushing her to his chest, and then his head is bending down and his lips are on hers and Blair thinks she has died and gone to heaven because this cannot be her life. 

She wants to tell him that she loves him, that she will never let him go, but she can’t because he won’t stop kissing her, and they stumble backwards, Dan pushing the door of her apartment shut with his foot, his mouth never leaving hers as they make their way to the couch that Blair had been sleeping on only moments before. 

Blair is still wearing her clothes from the day before, a simple dress, and Dan fumbles with the zipper until he finally is able to jerk it down, then Blair shimmies out of it and his fingers are on her panties, pulling them down and Blair is reaching around to unhook her bra, and then she’s naked and he’s pulling her back against him. 

In the fog of her brain, Blair is aware of the inequity of the moment, so she reaches down and finds the button on his jeans and Dan finally stops kissing her and Blair jerks in protest, only able to make some sort of primal grunt telling him that she wants him back, but then she sees that he is pulling his jeans off and shrugging his shirt over his head, and then he’s back, the stubble on his cheeks rough against her face as he kisses her and Blair his wrapping her arms around him and running her fingers up and down his back. 

Dan lowers Blair gently down onto the couch, and it’s a strange moment of gentleness because everything up until now has been driven by an intense sense of necessity, and Blair spreads her legs, preparing for him to settle between them, and the leather is cold on her back. Her lips are parted, her breathing fast, and she wishes she could find the words to tell him that he is the love of her life, and he always has been. 

Instead she watches as he licks her lips and lowers himself onto her, and then he’s inside her and Blair is bucking, her body almost spastic from the intense wave of sensation that runs through her and Dan’s hips start to move and it’s not long before they are both tipping over the edge, Blair clinging to him, burying her face in his shoulder, calling out his name. 

They collapse against each other, spent, skin sticky and sweaty, and a night with little sleep finally starts to catch up with Blair. The only word she can manage is to mumble ‘bed’. Dan nods and they untangle themselves and get up from the couch, still naked, not caring. The clothes remain in discarded piles on the floor. Blair takes his hand and leads him to her bedroom, and they crawl under her lofty, comfortable duvet, curl back around each other and Blair allows her eyes to flutter shut and sleep finally overcomes her. 

The last thing she hears as she drifts is Dan’s voice, deep and rumbly, and he’s telling her that he loves her over and over, his hand stroking her hair, and Blair wishes she had the energy to answer him but instead she finally gives into the fuzziness of sleep. 

She’s alone when she wakes up and Blair can tell from the light that it’s late afternoon. She rolls out of bed and grabs a robe, then makes her way into the kitchen to find Dan standing at the stove, pushing something around one of her fancy copper pans that Blair rarely actually uses and he smiles when he sees her standing in the doorway, blinking away sleep. 

“There’s not much to eat around here,” Dan smiles. “And a woman named Natasha stopped by and said she’ll send groceries.

“My assistant.” Blair says, thinking that Nanette but have been very surprised to find someone besides her boss answering the door. She realizes that she forgot to call in to the office to tell them she wouldn’t be coming in and her assistant must have come by to check up on her. 

Blair smiles but she doesn’t move from where she’s standing. She just looks at Dan, memorizing every detail of him. He’s wearing his boxer shorts and a t-shirt and his feet are bare, then Blair can’t stand there any longer and she’s flying into his arms.

“You’re here.” she says, wrapping her arms around his neck and Dan is smiling back at her, and she says ‘you’re here’ over and over between kisses and she feels Dan laugh. 

“I’m glad you missed me.” 

Missing him doesn’t begin to cover it. 

“I’m so sorry.” Blair murmurs, laying her head on his chest, leaning on him. 

“Here and now.” Dan whispers to her. “I’m just glad to be here with you right now.”

“Here and now.” Blair repeats. 

“What made you change your mind,” Dan asks, pulling back enough to be able to look into Blair’s eyes. 

“I had a visitor who helped me get things into perspective.”

“A visitor?”

Blair takes a deep breath, then she tells Dan that the least expected person in the entire world showed up in her office, and she watches his eyes widen as she says Chuck’s name.

“You’ve got to be kidding me.” Dan says. “Chuck? After all these years?”

Blair nods and says something about timing, and how strange this world can be, and Dan laughs because it’s almost preposterous that they are standing in Blair’s kitchen, arms wrapped around each other because of Chuck Bass, and he tells Blair this and she laughs.

“And now we’re getting married.”

She loves the way the word rolls off her tongue, and she stares up at Dan only to see his face suddenly changes again, and he’s pulling away from her, his arms dropping to his side, and Blair shivers a little, wanting him back. 

“I have something for you.” Dan says, going to the bag he’d dropped in the living room that morning. He unzips it and rummages around then returns holding a small, velvet pouch. Blair looks at it then looks back at his face.

“I should do this right.” Dan says, then Blair is giggles as Dan drops down to one knee and he’s taking her hand in his, and right there, in her kitchen, he makes her the happiest woman on the face of this earth. 

“Blair Waldorf. Will you marry me?”

He opens the pouch and pulls out a ring, and it’s the most exquisite ring she’s ever seen. It’s white gold, a beautiful moonstone in the center, and around it are diamonds. Later Dan will tell her there are exactly fifteen, one for each year they’ve spent apart, and the moonstone with the diamonds is the closest he can get to giving her the moon and the stars, and that he had this made after he returned from New York because he knew then he wanted to marry her. This will make Blair swat him because he’s always discouraged her from looking too far into the future and he went and had an engagement ring made when there was no indication things would work out between them. 

But right now she’s stares down at Dan, bended on one knee, the ring extended towards her and she takes it from him and gives the answer she’s already given him and will keep giving him for the rest of her life. 

“Yes,” Blair gasps. “Yes, yes, yes! I will marry you, Dan Humphrey.”

The ring is a perfect fit and she slips it onto her finger and gazes at it, then Dan is standing again and she’s in his arms and his lips are on hers, and Blair is happy.


	12. New York in the Spring Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wedding planning continues, Dorota gets them the Frick, Dan and Blair go home together.

When Blair tells Dan she’s going to wear black for their wedding, he counters that he’ll plan to wear plaid then, and Blair almost throws the bridal magazine she’s leafing through at him. 

Dan doesn’t leave Paris and go back to California. He tells Blair as they are lying in bed, his fingers tracing across her collarbone, that there is nothing left in California for him as long as she’s here. She needs to be in Paris to run Waldorf Designs and he can write from anywhere. Blair has her designer start working on converting the guest room into an office. She asks what he’s going to do with his house in Laguna Beach and Dan says he might sell it, and Blair asks him not too.

“I love that house,” she says, and she’s sad thinking of someone else living there, “so many good memories.”

Dan says he’ll hang onto it for now and he calls Eric, who is living in Southern California as well and asks if he wants to house-sit for a while, and Eric gives an enthusiastic ‘yes’ and well as his congratulations. Blair tells him she wants to make more memories there, and they could vacation there, and maybe someday go their with their kids.

“Kids?” Dan’s eyebrow goes up with Blair’s words. She blushes and apologizes for leaping into a subject he might not be ready for and Dan grabs her hand and squeezes it.

“I want kids, Blair.” he says. She breathes a sigh of relief and imagines chubby little dark-haired beauties running around on the beach, and Blair likes how her future has taken a sudden turn, that she can see something besides work ahead of her. Until Dan walked back into her life she would never have thought about kids, her only charge being her business, but now she can actually see them becoming parents. 

“I think you’ll have to be the house-husband then,” Blair says, laughing a little. “or is it stay-at-home dad?” 

Blair has been raised by people other than her parents, and as much as she loves Dorota, she doesn’t want her own kids raised by strangers. Dan has talked about doing things in the right way when it came to their relationship and Blair wants to do things in the right way when it comes to their future family. 

Dan tells her he’ll do whatever works for their family. Blair likes to hear the word family coming from Dan. 

They decide on a late Spring wedding, sandwiched between fashion shows, and Dan has a script due around that time, but they think they can squeeze in getting married on a Saturday in June. Blair is lying stretched out on the couch and Dan is sitting on the floor reading and she is playing absently with his hair and interrupting him until he tells her that he’s read the same sentence about five times over, and Blair declares that might be a hint that it’s time to put down his book and pay attention to her. 

“We could do it here.” Blair says. Her loft has a courtyard, with high white walls, and it would fit a small party of people. It could be decorated with flowers and lights. 

“Or we could go back to Laguna Beach.” Dan counters, and Blair imagines the beach at sunset and they would both be barefoot and they would declare their love to the rhythm of the ocean. Both options sound nice. 

In the end they decide on New York. Most of their friends and family are still there, and Dan points out that they should begin anew where they began fifteen years ago. Blair agrees, and then she claps her hands together in delight when she realizes something else.

“Do you know that it will be almost a year since Serena’s wedding when we get married?”

Dan tilts his head up and gazes at her, and Blair knows that he’s mentally calculating how many months its been and how many more until their wedding, and then he smiles.

“Why, yes it will be. Funny how things work out.”

Blair plays with her engagement ring and thinks about how much has changed in such a short period of time. After she and Chuck had divorced Blair’s life had settled into a kind of monotony of fashion lines, runway shows, store openings, the months and years blending together until she could never pinpoint any specific period of time. Now she can say, ‘in the spring, when we ran into each other again. In the summer, when we were in Laguna Beach. In the fall, when the leaves on the trees in Paris turned.’ Her life has context that wasn’t there before. It has Dan in it. 

“I love you, Blair Waldorf,” Dan says and Blair is jerked out of her thoughts. He has this habit of doing this, of telling her that he loves her out of the blue, unnerving her, and it makes her blush. 

Her gown will be Vera Wang, dark like a raven’s wing, taffeta and tulle, flowing out from Blair’s tiny waist. Dan again asks why black, and Blair reminds him that while this is his first marriage, it’s actually her third, and she wants it to be something different this time. Otherwise it feels like just another repeated moment, and this time she’s going to do things differently, in all aspects. So the gown will be black, and she won’t have any attendants, and Dan again threatens to wear plaid, and Blair tells him that as long as he matches her, he can do whatever he wants. 

She’s had her very own weddings. Two times. This time it belongs to both of them, and she wants it to feel that way. So if Dan wants to wear plaid, she gives him permission. And she’s going to showcase her pale skin against a black dress and her dark hair will be down and flowing over her shoulders, and she might have some flowers in her hair, and Blair is actually excited about the event. 

She’s getting married.

Winter comes. There is snow on the ground and Blair stares out the window of her loft, watching it fall. Dan is in his office, clicking away on his computer, working on a script or his book, she’s not sure. The night sky is pinkish and heavy with clouds, and the snow on the ground is making the night glow, and Blair is happy. 

Blair jumps a little when she feels Dan’s arms slip around her waist, then she smiles and his lips are kissing the back of her neck and she’s leaning back against him. 

“Done for the night?” she asks.

“For now.” Dan answers, placing another kiss on the back her neck and Blair feels herself shiver, and she’s always amazed how quickly her desire for him can build up. 

They have settled into some sort of domestic bliss. Blair wakes every morning to Dan in the kitchen and he shoves coffee into her hand as she dashes out the door to the car waiting downstairs. He works into the night, sitting in a pool of light, writing out stories and characters, and Blair reads on the couch. They sleep tangled up with each other, Blair loving the feel of Dan holding her in his arms as she falls asleep. They fuck. 

“Four more months.” Dan murmurs and Blair spins her engagement ring around her finger as they both stare at the snowflakes that are starting to fall from the sky. 

There are flowers to decide on and the caterer, and Dan surprises Blair by insisting they have dancing. Her wedding to Louie had been over the top, a grand event with a million details coordinated by everyone else but Blair, and her wedding to Chuck had been quick, almost no details. Blair is enjoying the details this time. 

“We got the Frick.” she tells Dan, and Blair had almost jumped up and down when the wedding planner, aka Dorota, had called her that afternoon and told her the news. Blair couldn’t think of a more wonderful place for them to get married. 

“Hmmmmmm.” Dan murmurs and he his pulling down the shoulder of her pajama top and kissing the skin there and Blair can’t think to ask him if he wants to go with ranunculus or anemones, and gasps at his touch. “Say ‘hi’ to Dorota for me.”

“I don’t know how she does it, how did she get the Frick on such short notice.” Blair manages to get out before she sucks in her breath and closes her eyes.

“Polish intelligence?” Dan says, nipping at her skin with his teeth. Blair laughs. It might not be far from the truth. 

“Humphrey, how I supposed to get anything done if you keep doing this.” This meaning, driving all semblance of coherent thought from her head by touching her, kissing her, making her crazy with wanting him. She’s starting to think she has an impulse control problem when it comes to Dan Humphrey.

“You’re not.” he says mischievously. “I am simply doing my duty to distract you and drive you wild.”

“Ha.” Blair says, feeling her insides tighten with his touch. Then he’s spinning her around and kissing her, and wedding planning flies out the window as he picks her up and walks toward the bedroom still kissing her. 

Early spring comes to Paris and on warm days Dan packs a picnic lunch and they sit on a blanket in the middle of the Square du Vert-Glalant, Blair nibbling on grapes and brie, Dan putting a throw over her legs when she shivers from the still slightly chilly weather and pouring her another cup of Earl Grey tea. The planning is done, the invitations are sent, and in two months they will head to New York.

“What about a honeymoon.” Dan asks, biting into a piece of cheese. Blair sighs. She’s had too many honeymoons and in a way she wants to skip the formality this time. 

“I have to get back for the show.” she says, “and you’re always in the middle of a script.”

Dan looks over at her and she can tell that he knows she is hesitant, that there is more than just work holding her back. 

“Rome this summer?” he asks. Blair remembers that Rome is what took him away from her all those years ago. Well, Rome and her choosing Chuck, and the craziness of youth. “I know the city well.”

Blair thinks about it. She loves Italy. Rome is beautiful. It would be nice to make an entirely new memory, and good one.

“Alright Humphrey,” she answers. “Rome in the summer.”

They go out to readings and galleries on evenings that Blair isn’t working late and Dan isn’t writing, and then they talk into the night, and Blair thinks that a lifetime of this, with this man by her side, is not a bad thing. She tells him this, and Dan wraps his arms around her and tells her that he’s so glad they found each other again. 

They will say vows to each other soon, stand in front of friends and family and ask them to be part of their union, commit in front of the world. But they are saying their vows to each other every day, in their touches and glances, with their words, with their bodies. They are weaving a tapestry of love that is strong yet yielding, unbreakable but flexible, and Blair thinks that if it took fifteen years, two marriages, a lot of tears and heartbreak to get here, to this place, maybe it was worth it. 

Late April rolls in with rain showers and budding leaves, and Dan and Blair pack their bags, check their boarding passes. It’s time to head to New York. They’ll be there a week early, with Blair needing alterations to her dress and what feels like a million last minute details. There won’t be any rehearsal dinners, bachelor parties or bridal showers. Neither of them want that. Just the wedding, their friends and family, and each other. 

Serena emails and says she can’t wait to see them, and she’s tired all the time from being pregnant, and would Dan and Blair consider being godparents. Blair tells Dan, who says he’d love to do that, then answers Serena with an enthusiastic ‘yes’. She never would have dreamed a year ago when she headed to Serena’s wedding that she’d be asked to be anyone’s godparent. Or that she’d be getting married herself.

The flight is long and Blair sleeps with her head on Dan’s shoulder, her book on her lap, dog-eared where she’d left off before letting her eyelids droop down. He holds her hand in his lap, rubbing her knuckles with his thumb. They are both tired when they arrive at JFK and a car is waiting to take them to the penthouse. 

Blair is struck by nostalgia when she arrives, like every time she stays at the penthouse, but this time she’s remembering Dan in the foyer, coffee in hand, and the way her heart had felt like it was going to burst as she kissed his cheek. Now the penthouse had memories of them. 

Dorota hugs her the moment she steps off the elevator, holding Blair tightly, rocking her back and forth, and she feels like she’s twelve again and has skinned her knee and her loyal maid is comforting her in the way her mother never did.

“Miss Blair, getting married.” Dorota says, her face glowing. She turns to Dan and gives him just as big of a hug and Dan’s eyes widen in surprise then he hugs her back. “to Mr. Dan.”

Blair laughs. She thinks Dorota may have been rooting for them for a long time base on her reaction. 

They leave their bags in the foyer and Dorota has prepared a snack of fruit and crackers that Blair devours. Airplane food is decidedly lacking. Then they head up the staircase to her room, Blair leading Dan, her hand in his. They undress and soon they are in Blair’s bed, Blair’s head resting on Dan’s chest and she feels Dan laugh.

“What,” she asks, tilting her head up to look at him.

“It’s just been a long time since I’ve slept in your bed.” Dan says, grinning. “It feels a little risque or something.”

“We’re not twenty one anymore,” Blair reminds him, but she agrees. Being here takes her back to before, when spending the night felt like a big deal. 

They fall asleep and before her eyes close, Blair thinks that it will be only one week before she’s a married woman. Not Mrs. Dan Humphrey, and she’s already told him that she won’t be changing her name. Still, in her heart, she will forever belong to him and he will belong to her, whether or not they share a name. 

One more week.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> some details from the wedding:
> 
> Blair's black Vera Wang [wedding dress](http://www.fabsugar.com/Vera-Wang-Black-Wedding-Dresses-Pictures-20128911)   
> The [bridal bouquet](http://christinaloucks.files.wordpress.com/2010/08/just-a-touch-of-blue-martha-stewart-weddings-anemone-bouquet-bridal-bride-wedding-flowers-white-black-simple-modern1.jpg)  
> Venue: [The Frick](http://rwagnerphotography.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/04/2003_Frick_Collection_Wedding.jpg)


	13. This is Forever, Right?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the morning of the wedding.

Blair wakes up on the morning of the wedding to find Dan propped up on one elbow, his hairs sticking out everywhere, his eyes heavy-lidded, staring at her in an intense kind of way that makes her blush. 

“Good morning,” Blair says sleepily, smiling because their day has finally arrived. It’s their wedding day. 

“I must really be crazy about you,” Dan says, his tone serious, “because I find you fascinating even in your sleep. I could write sonnets about the way your lashes lie against your cheeks.”

“Ridiculous sonnets.” Blair swats at him, smiling. “Hyperverbal sonnets. No one wants to hear about my lashes.” 

“Good morning to you too, almost Mrs. Dan Humphrey.” Dan laughs, a hearty chuckle, and Blair loves the way he laughs. It makes her feel warm down to her toes. Blair reminds him again that she’s not changing her name, that her name in itself is a brand and it Humphrey Designs doesn’t have the same ring.

“You’ll always be Mrs. Dan Humphrey to me, of the Brooklyn Humphries. We’re a clan held in high esteem. Very high society.”

Blair laughs. Dan leans over and kisses her and then pulls back and smiles.

“It’s going to be a crazy day,” he says quietly, “so I wanted to tell you something before the circus begins.”

His tone is serious again. Blair blinks and hopes Dan doesn’t trigger the waterworks now because she doesn’t want puffy eyes. She hopes Dorota has some cucumbers chilling in the fridge. He takes her hand in his and gives it a squeeze. 

“There are so many ways I could say this, Blair Cornelia Waldorf, but the simplest is this. I love you. We started out enemies a long time ago then we became friends and I fell in love with you and that love never stopped. Even after all these years. I’m so glad we’re here today. I’m so glad we found each other again.”

Blair wants to curse at him for being so sweet and wonderful because the tears are running down her cheeks and she sniffs as she watches his face. 

“I love you too, Dan.” 

She wishes she had his way with words, but she doesn’t, and all she can do is give him as much as he’s given her, or, if possible, more. Every day. For the rest of their lives. 

They share a sweet, long kiss and Blair tangles her fingers in his hair and pulls him closer and hears Dan groan, then she pushes him away. She doesn’t know if anything will ever slake her thirst for this man, but there isn’t time at the moment to indulge in delicious morning sex, so Blair reluctantly breaks the embrace and tells him they need to get going. 

Dan says he has some errands to run, and he’ll see her at the Frick, and Blair feels sad that she won’t see him until they’re walking down the aisle towards each other, towards their new life. She asks what he’s up to and he tells her he has to have some secrets, and she’ll find out soon enough. Then he’s in the shower and Blair grabs her dressing gown and heads downstairs. 

Cyrus in sitting at the kitchen island when Blair walks in, drinking a cup of tea. When he sees her he leaps up and grabs her, engulfing her in a giant bear hug. He and her mother had flown in a couple days ago and were staying at the penthouse, along with her dad and his husband. They were your typical modern blended family and they had spent one evening drinking scotch and playing cards and having a good time, Blair watching Dan charm everyone in the room with his stories about Hollywood starlets and their demands, Cyrus laughing and slapping Dan on the back in a fatherly manner. Blair remembered how she had resented Cyrus when he and her mother had first started dating, and now, as he hugged the breath out of her, she knew him to be a kind, loving and supportive man who has treated Blair has his daughter all these years. His face is sagging a little more, he has more of a paunch, but he’s still Cyrus, her step-father, and he still has a way of making Blair feel loved. 

Her mother is still asleep, always one to get her beauty rest. Retirement has treated her well and she has been regaling Blair with stories about her volunteer work and her latest vacation with Cyrus. She tells Blair that she is proud of her, that she’s done amazing things with Waldorf Designs, and that now she’s found love. 

Dorota rushes through the kitchen like a whirling dervish and reminds Blair that the hair and makeup people will be there soon, says something about breakfast being on the table, then disappears down the hallway. Blair walks into the dining room to find a breakfast buffet set up for everyone. She grabs a bunch of grapes and starts nibbling them. 

It’s hard not to think about her other marriages. Her failed attempt at becoming a princess was drama to the last minute, Blair still pushing away her feelings for Chuck. Then there was her marriage to Chuck, and Blair remembers a moment on their way to the marriage minister, staring out the window of the taxi, and she’d been sidelined by one consuming thought. 

This is a huge mistake.

Instead of listening, Blair had gotten out of the taxi and walked up the stairs to the government building and married Chuck. Instead of following what her heart was telling her, she had tried to pretend Chuck was what she wanted and that she was happy. 

Now she was standing on the brink of her third attempt and all Blair can feel is happiness. Blinding, consuming, overwhelming, stupendous happiness. Finally, finally this feels right. Dan feels right. They feel right. 

This is right.

There is no regret, no concern.

Dorota breezes through and tells her that Serena has arrived then rushes off to take care of some last minute detail. 

If Serena had glowed in general, pregnancy has made her a goddess. She is dressed in a beautiful flowing gown and rubbing her swollen belly as she sits waiting for Blair in the livingroom. She hasn’t seen Blair yet and her face has a faraway look, almost bringing her to the level of angelic. Blair clears her throat and Serena turns and smiles, and it lights up the room as usual. 

“Hey,” Blair says, grateful to see her friend. 

“I know you aren’t having any attendants,” Serena says, looking a little nervous, “but it’s your wedding and I thought you’d like someone here to help you get ready.”

Blair smiles warmly and throws her arms around Serena, pregnant belly and all.

“Thank you. I would really like that.”

The rest of the morning is a whirlwind of activity. Blair sits patiently while her hair is filled with product, curled and styled. She doesn’t move while her nails are buffed and shaped and covered with polish. She works to relax the muscles in her face while the makeup artist applies foundation, blush, mascara and all the trappings that will make Blair go from beautiful to breathtaking. 

She slips into her gown and it’s form-fitting, accenting her curvy figure, silk and tulle, and Blair loves how the dark fabric looks against her skin. She hears Serena take in a breath and she tells Blair that she looks stunning. 

Dorota pokes her head into Bair’s room where all the preparations are taking place and barks out a one hour warning. 

The hairdresser returns and pins a single white anemone into Blair hair. She turns and looks into the mirror and sees someone she doesn’t entirely recognize staring back at her. Serena is right. Blair looks stunning, a beautiful bride. Everything is perfect. 

Dorota shoves some food into Blair’s mouth, telling her no one needs to be married in the hospital after collapsing from a lack of eating, then the whole entourage is rushing out the door to the waiting cars. Serena holds Blair’s hand the entire way to the Frick.

“This is real, isn’t it?” Serena says to Blair. Blair nods. Yes, it’s real. This is forever. 

They’re escorted to a bathroom that’s been converted into a temporary dressing room and Blair sits down on a chair, her feet hurting a little from the strappy black heels she’s wearing. Then she waits. 

The guests start arriving. Serena pokes her head in and tells her about each group.

Rufus and Lily. Serena says her mom is wearing a diamond necklace that belonged to Cece. Rufus looks nice. He said to say ‘hi’ to Blair and he’ll see her at the reception. Serena adds that Rufus told Lily that he’s excited to have Blair as a daughter-in-law. Blair smiles. She’s always liked Rufus. 

“And,” Serena adds, “this makes us kind of sisters.” 

Blair smiles. Yes, it kind of does. 

Eric and his latest boyfriend. He looks really tan, must be that California sun. His hair is spikier than the last time Serena saw him. Serena tells Blair that she misses her little brother. 

Nate is with Serena the next time she pokes her head in and he waves and tells Blair she looks amazing. Blair smiles and waves back. 

Dorota, Vanye and the kids arrive. Serena says Dorota still looks a little stressed, but happy. Vanye says hello. 

Next its Natasha, Blair’s assistant, sitting alone and looking a little nervous. Blair had asked her to come since she’d been a wonderful assistant, and she would love to have her there. Blair is happy to have someone from her life in Paris here as well. 

Her mom, Cyrus, her dad and his husband arrive together and Serena tells Blair they all gave her a big hug and Blair’s dad congratulated her on the pregnancy. Blair tells Serena she’ll probably get a nice present of trendy French baby clothes soon. Her dad is thoughtful that way. Cyrus asked how she’s doing. Eleanor looks regal as ever. Blair expects nothing less from her mother who always knows how to dress for any occasion and look dignified. She could look dignified on a dude ranch. 

Some writer friends of Dan’s. A friend from California. Finally Serena pokes her head in and tells Blair that she thinks all the guests have arrived and it’s time. 

Blair takes a deep breath. She has butterflies in her stomach. Here she goes. Down this path again, and she thinks about Chuck and how he told her to marry Dan, how he told her that she had always loved Dan Humphrey and she needed to stop denying it. That nothing mattered beyond that. She didn’t invite Chuck to the wedding. It would be awkward and strange, and she thinks he wouldn’t have come anyway. But Blair mentally sends out her thanks to him as she stands in the hallway, about to walk down the aisle into the arms of the man she loves with every part of her being. If Chuck hadn’t ripped open the truth and made Blair face reality, she may have never realized what she needed to do. She may have lost Dan. 

The music starts and Blair steps forward, her mouth dry. She sees everyone’s head turn around and their eyes are on her. She takes another step, trembling a little. Then another. Step by step, she somehow manages to make it to the front of the room. She turns to see Dan standing in the doorway, his eyes locked with hers. 

He is wearing a black suit, a nice black tie and a stylish black and white plaid shirt, and Blair smiles. Plaid. His hair has been cut and gone are the unruly curls with a wiry gray hair sticking up here and there. It’s shorter and styled and he looks handsome, so amazingly handsome. Blair watches as he walks towards her, taking in the angles of his face, his sharp jawline, the warmth in his eyes. He finally arrives next to her and he takes her hands in his.

“Hey,” Dan says softly, so softly that no one else but Blair can hear him.

“Hey,” she answers back. 

“You look amazing,” he says, glancing up and down, taking in her hair, her dress. 

“So do you.”

“Are you ready?”

“Yes.”

Blair is ready.


	14. The Wedding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> presenting Mr. and Mrs. Humphrey, although that might cause Blair to sock Dan in the shoulder since he KNOWS she's not changing her name.

The officiant begins the ceremony. 

Dan and Blair have written their own vows. Blair had been writing them in her head and in her heart for a long time, but it was still hard when she actually sat down with pen and paper and she had started and stopped many times, tearing off page after page of the pad, crumpling those pages and tossing them into the wastebasket. She knew what she wanted to say but nothing felt good enough, and she envied Dan who wrote for a living, who had a way with words. 

Now, as they stand in front of their friends and family, hands clasped together, Dan’s eyes watching her, Blair feels the words come flowing out from her heart. Because she loves this man and she wants him to know this with no uncertainty. She swallows, clears her throat and begins. 

“Daniel Humphrey, I was brought into this world to love you. You are nothing short of my destiny. You have made my heart full, you have made my life complete.”

Blair falters a little, and she feels Dan squeeze her hands. She looks at him and sees strength, then continues. 

“We found each other again, and now we stand here in front of everyone, and all I want to do is spend the rest of my life with you. To wake up next to you. To have a life with you. To grow old together.”

She blinks back tears.

“I love you.”

Dan’s eyes are shining. He smiles at her and squeezes her hands again. Then it’s time for him to say his vows. 

“Blair,” he begins, “almost a year ago we danced for the first time in fifteen years, and as I held you in my arms, I knew that I was never going to let you go again. I knew that I had never stopped loving you and I would love you for the rest of my life, and nothing would change that. Everything I have done has brought me down a path that led directly to you.” 

Dan pauses and looks at her. Tears are rolling down Blair’s cheeks and she whispers to him as he grips her hands,

“Dammit Humphrey, you’re ruining my makeup.”

The people in the chairs watching them laugh a little, the sound tittering through the room, and Dan smiles, then he continues,

“You are my heart. Where you go, I will go. Because that is where my heart is. You are my home. Where you dwell, I will dwell. You are my muse and you always have been. You are my soul. You are my inspiration. You truly are my destiny.”

Dan takes a deep breath and Blair’s heart is floating, Dan’s hands anchoring her, keeping her from drifting away, because she is so happy. This is what she had always wanted, what had always eluded her. Love. Pure and simple love. And she has finally found it. 

“I love you, Blair. I have loved you forever and I will keep loving for the rest of my life.”

As he says those words his eyes search her face and Blair smiles through her tears, warm, love radiating through her, filling her up until she thinks she might burst, and she mouths ‘I love you’ as she stares up at him, not wanting to break his gaze, never wanting this moment to end. 

The officiant continues, and Blair barely hears his word as she stands there gripping Dan’s hands, telling him all the things she can’t say with her eyes, and she knows that this time everything is right. 

They exchange rings, Blair slipping a plain white gold band on Dan’s finger, giggling a little when it proves to be hard to get on. She notices that his hand trembles a little as she pushes it over his knuckle. Then he officially puts her ring on her finger, and Blair realizes that she’s missed its weight since she took it off to have the wedding band soldiered on, and she’s happy it’s back. It feels right on her hand. 

They are pronounced husband and wife and Blair looks up and Dan, and he pulls her towards him, wrapping his arms around her, and her head tilts up. There aren’t people filling the rows of chair, watching them. There isn’t an officiant standing there looking at them expectantly. It’s just them. Dan and Blair. Like it should be. 

“I love you,” Blair whisper, wanting to say it over and over again, and she thinks she may never tired of saying those words.

“I love you too,” Dan answers, then he bends down and his lips on hers and it’s the sweetest, most tender kiss Blair has ever experienced, and she sighs against his lips and leans into him a little, and everything that she couldn’t say in her vows, she says with that kiss. 

They break apart and the room comes alive with applause. Blair looks out and sees people smiling and laughing the air is electric with joy. Her hand is still in Dan’s and they walk together back down the aisle. Married. Finally. This moment has been fifteen years in the making. 

People start to stand and mill around and staff come out and clear the chairs, and a band starts to play, but Dan and Blair see none of this. They are standing in the hallway, gazing into each others eyes, lost in each other in the way that people who have just gotten married should be. 

“You are an amazing woman, Blair Waldorf Humphrey.” Dan says. “I can’t believe you’re finally here, with me.”

“Always,” Blair answers. “The rest of my life.”

They kiss again and then they turn and, still holding hands, walk into the reception. The room turns when they enter and there is applause again, and people are clinking silverware on crystal, trying to get them to kiss, and the band starts to play, and Blair recognizes the tune. It’s The Way You Look Tonight. She smiles. He remembered. Dan leads her out to the dance floor. 

There is nothing for me but to love you, and the way you look tonight.

Blair laughs and Dan takes her into his arms, and it’s deja vu. They have come full circle. 

“We might have to call this our song,” she murmurs as Dan’s arms wrap around her and pull her close. They sway together, just the two of them as everyone looks on, but Blair feels like they are alone, wrapped up in each other, and she lays her head on Dan’s shoulder. 

This is so right.

Blair twines her arms around his neck and looks up at him, and everything between them slips away, all the betrayal and pain that lives under the surface despite being dulled by years of separation, and Blair thinks maybe all those years weren’t really wasted. Maybe they were bringing them both to this moment. However they got here, it is their story, their narrative. 

They say their vows again, this time there are no words, just their bodies pressed against each other and Blair knows she will remember this moment for the rest of her life.

I will never stop loving you.

“Do you know what I love the most about you?” Dan asks as they sway slowly. 

“My rapier wit?” Blair asks playfully. “Or the way I can make you beg me in bed?”

“Hmmmm, well I do like those things. A lot, but no, that’s not what I’m talking about.”

“Then what?” Blair asks and Dan looks down at her, his face serious.

“Your smile. It fills your face and I feel like the whole world lights up when you smile at me.”

Blair feels her eyes start to grow moist again. Dammit Humphrey. How can he make her come undone on such a regular basis?

“Well, do you know what I like the best about you?” Blair asks, blinking back the tears. “Besides pretty much everything.”

“Well, everything is pretty good.” Dan says, a smile spreading across his face. 

People are starting to join them on the dance floor now, couples holding each other close, but it still feels like just the two of them. 

“I love your eyes.” Blair tells him. “They are beautiful and I love the way you look at me sometimes and I feel like the only person on the planet.”

“Well, you are. At least for me.”

Blair blushes. Silly, romantic Dan, always sweet and knowing the right thing to say. Blair is so grateful to have this man in her life. The song comes to an end and the band starts another and it’s upbeat and all around them people break apart and moving to the faster tempo. Dan and Blair stay there, moving back and forth to their own rhythm, completely absorbed in each other, and it’s like their first dance and they are again lost in the moment, but this time the moment won’t end. This time it’s forever.

Someone bumps into Blair from behind and she turns and it’s Serena again, cradled in Nate’s arms, her dress flowing out from around her pregnant belly, and Serena laughs in that way she does where you can’t help but laugh with her. Blair smiles at her friend and she’s happy. 

“You two are the best baby shower gift I could have ever gotten.” Serena declares and Nate pulls Dan in for hug, giving him a hearty congratulations. Then Serena and Nate are dancing away from them and Dan pulls Blair even closer. 

The night winds on and there is food and wine and more dancing, and everyone wants to talk to Blair, wants to congratulate Dan, and they smile and nod, and agree that it’s been a long time coming over and over again. Blair’s feet hurt and she’s tired but she can’t stop smiling, can’t contain the joy she feels. They cut their cake and feed it to each other, and Dan laughs at the silliness of the whole thing but doesn’t ignore Blair’s glare telling him that if any of the cake ends up on her face he will pay later. 

Then it’s time to go and the guest line up to toss birdseed as the happy couple dashes from the doorway to the waiting towncar, and finally they are alone and Blair lets out a heavy sigh. 

“Finally,” Dan murmurs, and he leans across the back seat of the car and kisses her, hungrily, and all the weariness Blair has been feeling slips away with the touch of his lips. She moves closer to him and he deepens the kiss and her hands wind around his neck, missing the curls that used to be there. They break apart, but not very far, and their foreheads are touching, and Dan is breathing hard. 

“Hello, Mr. Humphrey.” Blair whispers. 

“Hello, Mrs. Waldorf-Humphrey.” Dan whispers back. 

They will make love that night. Dan will carry her from the elevator into the foyer and up the stairs. They’ll drink some of the champagne Dorota has left for them. Then Dan will carefully unzip her gown and slip her out of it, and Blair will lie on her bed in just her lingerie while he takes off his clothes until he’s wearing nothing. She will cover every inch of his body with kisses and Dan will find all the spots that make her gasp. And when she comes, wrapped around him, her hair damp from sweat, breathing hard from exertion, Blair will tell him again what she’s been saying all day long.

“I love you.”

I love you I love you I love you


	15. Falling Apart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The honeymoon, in Rome, where their ghosts return to haunt them.

Blair grabs Dan’s hand and squeezes is as the jet starts to pull out of the gate. He glances over at her and flashes her smile and her heart skips a beat. 

It’s two months since they were married in New York. 

They didn’t go back to Paris immediately. Despite not wanting a honeymoon, Serena and Nate had invited them to stay with them at the Hamptons vacation home, so Dan and Blair had rented a car and driven to meet them the day after the wedding. 

It had been a glorious week, and Blair had loved reconnecting with her friends. They spent their days wandering along the beach or exploring the farmers market, evenings drinking wine and eating crab and lobster, and nights wrapped around each other, exploring with their hands, their mouths, and everything was exactly how things should be when you’ve married the love of your life. 

At the end of the week Blair had been sad to say goodbye to Serena and Nate and she had promised she wouldn’t stay away so long this time. Serena had smiled and told Blair that Paris was only a flight away. Then, with a kiss on the cheek and a final hug, Dan and Blair had returned home. Blair would get a phone call a week and a half later and it would be Serena on the other end of the phone, breathless, her voice filled with joy as she told Blair that Grace Archibald had decided to come into the world a little early and she and Nate were madly in love. Blair hung up the phone and walked to Dan’s office to tell him that they had officially become godparents. 

They settled into a predictable routine. Blair had a few weeks of work piled up so she spent too much time in the office, working late into the evening. Dan wrote every day, cloistered in his office, bent over his computer. He told Blair he was almost finished with the script and then it was time to write his next book. His publishers were clamoring for the next Dan Humphrey bestseller and he was inspired to give it to them. Blair had smiled, remembering his vows, how he’d called her his muse. 

They would eat dinner at the kitchen bar, Dan keeping Blair’s food warm in the oven, waiting for her to come through the door, throw her bag down and declare that her feet ached from a long day. He spent afternoons buying bread at the boulangerie down the street and greens at the market, and made her delicious dinners. 

“Are you happy?” Dan asked one night, piling his fork high with baby beets and shoving them in his mouth. Blair watched him as he chewed them. How could she not be happy. He was here with her. 

“Over the moon.” Blair said, feeling her eyes droop and she was feeling the call of their bed, wanting to sink into the soft mattress, to feel the comforter swathed around her and Dan holding her in his arms. 

“Go to bed, my love,” Dan had whispered. He kissed her, a brief peck on the lips, a good night kiss, and Blair had padded down the hallway to the bedroom, leaving Dan to clear up the dishes and put the leftovers away. 

Blair promised him work would ease up and they planned for Rome, Dan pouring over tourist books, researching historical sites, finding a place for them to stay. Blair placed a kiss on his stubble-rough cheek and thanked him for doing all the work for their trip and Dan had told her that he couldn’t wait to finally have her all to himself. 

Finally the day came. 

The plane taxies down the runway and Blair swallows that slight lump of fear that rises every time she flies. Squeezing Dan’s hand a little tighter she says a silent prayer for their safety, then the plane tilts upward and they’re on their way. 

Rome. 

Blair hasn’t been here since high school. Waldorf Designs has been her life for the last fifteen years and building a business has left little time for vacations. The last time she thought about Rome was when Dan....

Blair’s heart clenches and she forces herself to think about something else. 

She doesn’t like to let her mind wander back to when she was conflicted and messed up and Dan was there for her, waiting, asking her to go with him to Rome, asking her to pick him, and she just couldn’t. The idea of Chuck, the idea of forever, those ideas were stronger than the pull of someone who loved her, someone she loved back, and now Blair hurts when she thinks about that time. 

This trip is redemption. 

It’s only a couple hours to Rome from Paris and Blair settles her head on Dan’s shoulder, her hand still in his, and she thinks that he’s been quiet today. It must be the excitement of the trip or all the work he put into planning and packing, or maybe the way she’d distracted him the night before despite knowing they’d be leaving early in the morning. Blair just nestles closer and inhales the way he smells kind of spicy and clean, and lets herself daydream about Rome. 

The taxi drops them off a few blocks from the Spanish Steps and Blair is thrilled when they walk up to a lovely apartment with high ceilings and a small balcony. 

“I love it,” she declares, throwing her arms around Dan’s neck and kissing him firmly on the lips. Dan smiles a little and tells Blair that he’s glad. She drags her bad to the bedroom and starts to unpack. 

“We should go out for dinner,” Blair yells through the doorway. She can hear Dan in the kitchen, clinking dishes.

“Mmmmhmmmm,” he intones.

“And didn’t you say we’ll have maid service?”

“Uhhuh.”

“And I want to go to a few museums.” 

“Okay.”

Blair puts neatly folded skirts and tank tops into one of the dresser drawers. She kicks off her sandals and lines them up neatly with her other shoes in the small closet. She looks in the mirror and glances at her reflection in the mirror and sees a woman who feels light and bubbly and like everything is right in the world. When she’s done she walks out of the bedroom and back towards the kitchen, thinking about how she’s going to slip her arms around Dan and kiss him, and maybe she can lure him into the bedroom for a brief interlude before they head out for dinner. Or maybe they won’t have dinner at all. Maybe they’ll take off their clothes and fuck and not bother to get dressed and eat out of the fridge that Dan arranged to have stocked before they arrived. 

She rounds the corner to the kitchen and stops, standing in the doorway, watching Dan. He is sitting at the rustic wood table in the center of the room, not moving, just staring at the wall in front of him, and Blair realizes that he looks kind of sad. She doesn’t move, just stands there watching him for a moment.

“Hey,” Blair says quietly and Dan startles a little. He turns his head towards her and smiles and the moment is gone. Blair wonders if she imagined the sadness on his face, a wash of melancholy that makes her heart hurt, and she hates to think about him hurting. 

“Hey,” Dan answers, and he tells her there is plenty of food in the fridge and maybe they should stay in. Blair crosses the kitchen and slides into Dan’s lap, winding her hands around his neck, her fingers tangling in his hair and she leans down and kisses him. 

 

“I’m so glad to be here with you,” she murmurs, then kisses him again and again. Dan sighs heavily then kisses her back and his kisses go from languid to wanton in a matter of seconds, and he’s parting her lips and his tongue is sliding against hers and Blair gasps his name as his hands slide under her shirt, trailing across her skin, leaving electric shocks in their wake. 

Whatever Blair saw is pushed to the back of her mind as she loses herself in sensation and longing. They don’t make it to the bedroom. Dan pulls off his pants and Blair pushes her skirt up, then she straddles him, taking him inside her, feeling his hips buck. 

“Blair,” Dan gasps.

She leans down and kisses him hard on the mouth and his hands find her breast and then she’s coming hard collapsing against him. 

“I never get tired of this,” Blair murmurs into the crook of his neck where she’s panting. 

They stay in that night, Blair opening a bottle of wine, Dan tossing together plum tomatoes and balls of fresh mozzarella with torn basil and a vinaigrette. They eat on the couch, plates balanced on their knees and when they’re done, Dan takes her plate and Blair stretches out on the couch, listening to the sounds of people walking down the street drift through the open window. The sun is just starting to drift below the horizon of the city and the air is warm. 

Dan comes back and stands by the couch. He looks down at Blair and she sees that look again, some sort of far away sadness, and she resists the urge to ask him what he’s thinking. 

“I’m going to bed.” Dan says and Blair frowns. She was planning on spending some time cuddling before they finally crawled into the comfortable looking bed. Blair grabs his hand and holds it in hers. 

“Stay.”

His brows knit and Dan’s mouth turns down a little, and she sees that sadness again. Blair tries to ignore the worry lurking around her edges as she looks up at this man who she loves so much. He leans down and kisses her, then sighs.

“I’m just tired.”

He turns and walks toward the bedroom and Blair watches him then calls out after him. 

“I love you.”

Dan stops then turns around and smiles, and whatever has been bothering him seems to have disappeared. It’s her Dan smiling at her, and Blair’s heart swells. 

“I love you too.”

Blair stays on the couch for a little longer, alone with her thoughts. When her eyes start to droop she decides it’s time for her to go to bed as well. She washes her face and moisturizes, then pulls on a light nightgown since the night is still warm. Dan is fast asleep, his breathing heavy and rhythmic, and when she slips into bed next to him he mumbles something and turns toward her and wraps his arms around her. Blair lets herself drift to sleep, happy to be here, happy to be in Rome with Dan. 

The room is dark when she wakes a few hours later. Her skin is damp and hot and her hair feels sweaty. She tosses back and forth a few times until she’s fully awake. Her hand reaches out for Dan only to find cool cotton sheets against her palm and she realizes he’s not there. 

“Dan?”

Her voice, croaky from sleep, echoes in the room. 

Blair gets up, her nightgown blowing around from the breeze coming in from the open window. The street is quiet now and there are stars twinkling in the midnight blue sky. Blair goes into the living room to find it deserted. 

“Dan?”

She looks in the kitchen to see if maybe he’s having a late night snack but it’s empty. Finally she goes to the balcony and finds him sitting at the small table, staring out into the street. 

“Dan?”

He turns at the sound of her voice and what Blair sees takes her breath away. The pain she saw glimpses of earlier is there but in full force, glaring and raw, and Blair feels tears well up in her eyes. She doesn’t move towards him, just stands there, staring at his face, not knowing what to do. 

“Blair.” Dan says, her name said with such anguish that it makes her hurt, and she wants to rush to him, to put her arms around him, to take away whatever might be wrong, but she somehow knows that this might be the last thing Dan wants. Somehow she senses whatever is troubling her beloved is about her. So she doesn’t move, doesn’t say anything, just watches and waits.

He looks away from her and back out to the street, and after a long silence she hears him take in a breath and her body tenses up, waiting for what he’s about to say, somehow sensing that this moment is important. 

“I can’t do this.”

That’s the moment the tears hit her cheeks and Blair feels her body collapse a little and she opens up her mouth and finally speaks.

“No.”


	16. Crashing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rome turns out not to be a city made for lovers.

Blair feels her world start to come crumbling down and in a split second she realizes that she’s been waiting for this moment. She’s been waiting for everything to crack open. Dan’s words ring in her head. 

I can’t do this.

He is looking at her, his face a mask of pain, and Blair feels like it’s fifteen years ago and she can’t stop the feelings of shame that flood through her. She realizes this has been lurking in the back of her mind, that her life, that Dan, it’s all some sort of dream and she’s going to wake up and be all alone. Or he’s going to realize that what she did fifteen years ago, turning her back on him, choosing Chuck, was unforgiveable. She realizes that she’s never really forgiven herself, and if she can’t forgive herself, how can she expect any forgiveness from anyone else. 

She wants to run to him, to tell him that she’s sorry, that she lives with her guilt and pain. But she can’t. Blair stands, frozen, and she thinks that this is it. It’s over. 

Why now. Why here, in the middle of the night, in Rome. Things are supposed to be perfect. They are finally on vacation, finally away from all the distractions, finally able to focus on each other. It’s like Dan is reading her thoughts, and he opens his mouth and answers her question.

“This...being here.” Dan continues. “I thought I could do it, that it would be okay, but it’s not.”

Blair feels like she might faint as she listens to his words. 

“I keep thinking if I can live in the present, only look at the here and now, I can keep the past at bay, but this, coming here, it was a mistake.”

Rome. 

It was his escape, his escape from her. Rome is romantic for Blair, full of art and culture and history. Rome is heartbreak for Dan. 

“I didn’t realize...” Blair whispers.

“Neither did I,” Dan answers. He looks away again. 

She had read the book. 

It had been published a year after she left New York and at first Blair felt some excitement when she heard that Dan Humphrey had made the New York Times bestseller list again, as if his success might erase some of what she’d done. Then her mom had sent her an email and told her she probably shouldn’t read it, that the whole Upper East Side was in an uproar over Outside, and Blair was about to marry Chuck anyway, so she never picked it up. The last thing Blair needed was to have Dan’s heartbreak shoved in her face. 

After her divorce had gone through Blair found herself on the coast of Portugal, crushed and feeling like a failure. She’d decided a solo vacation might be what she needed to recharge, to get back to Waldorf Designs re-inspired, but it turned out to make her feel even more lonely. She ate by herself in restaurants and spent her days wandering around the coastal town, her nights staring into the darkness, wishing she could sleep. Then, for some reason, she saw a copy of Dan’s book in a bookstore run by an American ex-pat who sang its praises, and she suddenly missed Dan and the rest of her friends. If she was back in New York she wouldn’t be going through this heart break alone. She’d have Serena. She might even still have Dan, who had always been such a good friend to her. She missed them and thought that maybe Dan’s book would bring them back in some form. So she picked it up and took it back to her seaside vacation home. 

That was a mistake, or maybe it was just what she needed to gain some clarity and context. It certainly didn’t bring back happy memories. 

If she thought her heart had broken over Chuck, as she turned the pages and read line after line, ugly truth after ugly truth, his words ripped her heart out and tore it into small pieces. Dan spared no one, and she recognized how much he had fictionalized the truth with Inside. He especially didn’t spare Blair, and as much as she wanted to pick up the phone and inform in of her displeasure in no uncertain terms, Blair mostly felt her heart sliced open. 

It was the first time she understood clearly what she’d done. She’d lost him. 

Dan’s heartbreak and anger poured out from the book, and Blair found herself consumed by sadness but unable to stop reading, hoping for something happy, some sliver of hope, but in the end Dan was alone and everyone else was messed up and Blair was portrayed as a wishy-washy conniving bitch whose indecision created pain for everyone around her. Even Chuck. 

Sadly, Dan wasn’t wrong. 

Blair was glad she’d read the book five years after it was published. There was no way she could have handled reading it when she was still tangled up in Chuck, but now she could step back from those events five years ago and see that she did hurt the people around her. Dan was right. 

Blair had cried herself to sleep that night, and the night after, and she woke with puffy eyes and a runny nose, and cried periodically through the day as well. She cried for the pain she’d caused, for Dan’s heartbreak, for her own actions, for wasted years, and somewhere in the middle of all that she realized that she loved Dan. That she always had. That she’d never stopped. She also realized that no matter how she felt, it meant nothing. She’d made her decision that night on top of the Empire. Five years later the only thing she had left was the knowledge that now she had to live with her choices and it was going to hurt. 

She had read the book but she’d never made the connection to Rome, that the book was written in this city, and now as she stands staring at her husband, the man she loves with all her heart and soul, she sees that coming here is hurting him. That hurts her and she feels his pain stabbing through her. 

“I’m sorry,” Blair says, finally finding the strength to step towards him. Dan looks at her plaintively and she wants to beg him to tell her what she can do to take his anguish away. 

“I thought this...this pain...I thought it was all over. That having you could heal it, but it’s still there, and being here, it makes me feel the pain like it happened yesterday.” 

“I love you.” Blair says, taking another step forward, reaching her hand out. She doesn’t know what else to say, doesn’t even know if her words count. 

“I love you too, Blair,” Dan answers softly. “and I thought it was enough, but now...now I’m not so sure.”

Blair wants to run to him and throw herself into his arms, to beg him to forgive her, to love her and to find a way to move forward, but she doesn’t. How can she ask him to forgive her when she can’t forgive herself? 

“Don’t leave me.”

Blair rips the words from the very core of her heart, and she feels sick as she says them out loud, her deepest fears exposed. She wants to say so much more. 

Don’t walk away from me the way I walked away from you. Don’t abandon me like I abandoned you. Please don’t. 

Please.

Dan looks at her. 

“I can’t.” he says plainly. “I love you too much.”

Blair is standing in front of him now and Dan reaches up and takes her hands then pulls her into his lap, wrapping his arms around her. Blair feels her body sink into his, a great sense of relief running through her. 

I love you too much.

“If I had known,” Blair mumbles, her face buried in his chest, his skin warm against her cheek. “I just didn’t know. I didn’t know for a long time.”

Blair had dreamed of fairytales and princes and high school romance. That had been Chuck, standing on the rooftop of the Empire, his face twisted in disdain, telling her that he didn’t want what she offered, that he wouldn’t be part of her world if it meant he had to share her business, that in his eyes she would never be his equal. She should have known then, but Blair couldn’t let go of all those immature notions of love and forever. She chased Chuck, gave herself to him, lost herself to the entity that was Chuck and Blair, Blair and Chuck. She couldn’t let go until she had tried and failed with Chuck. Not until she lay curled on the bed in the villa on the Portuguese coast, her body aching with regret. Then she had let it all go, let it flow out with her tears, and when she was able to move again, when she felt her heartache dull a little, Blair knew she’d lost the most important thing in her life. 

Now she sat curled in his lap, listening to his heartbeat, and she realized that all their perfection was a sort of lie, glossing over of the pain. Being here, in Rome was bringing it all to the surface, shoving it in their faces and they couldn’t pretend their past had never happened anymore. Dan’s hand strokes her hair and he’s kissing her head, and the sun starts to come up over the edge of the city. Blair doesn’t know how long they’ve been sitting there, arms wrapped around each other, not wanting to move because everything around them has suddenly become ugly. 

“I saw you once,” Blair says against his chest. 

“Really?” Dan says, looking down at her. Blair’s eyes are shining with tears. 

“It was a couple years after my divorce. I was in New York for some business. It was a book signing in Tribeca. My mom had said something about your latest book coming out and I wanted to see you.”

She had stood in the back of the room, shirking next to a tall shelf full of self-help books, positioning that Blair found mildly ironic. It was one of those independent bookstores, run by some eccentric neighborhood type, smelling of dusty paper, with a coffee shop in the corner where people spent all day caffeinating and debating the latest in politics and literary theory. Dan was seated at a long table covered in a tablecloth, a pile of books next to him, a pen in one hand, smiling as people came up and spoke with him, nodding a little, signing book after book. 

“I think I remember that signing.” Dan says quietly. “Why did you go?”

Blair sighs. 

“I don’t know. To make sure you were okay, to see that you had moved on. Because I missed you.”

“Hmmmmm.” Dan’s hand is stroking her arm, back and forth, and the motion mesmerizes Blair. “Why didn’t you say anything to me.”

Blair feels the tears start again. 

“How could I have said anything?” she asks. “I had lost you. I never even said goodbye. I thought you must of hated me, that you would tell me to go to hell. I’d read Outside. I knew you were angry.”

Dan is silent for a few minutes and she can tell he’s thinking about what she said. Then he speaks again, his voice tense and sad at the same time.

“You’re right. I was angry. For a long time. I thought you were happily married to Chuck and I was nothing to you, but I could never get you out of my head.” 

“And now,” Blair asks, not knowing if she wants to hear the answer.

“I’m still angry, Blair. I’m still hurt that you never even said goodbye, that you didn’t even break up with me. I loved you and I’ve never loved anyone like that since, and I will love you the rest of my life, but loving you hurts so much sometimes.”

Blair winces because his words are true. Loving Dan doesn’t hurt. Loving Dan is like waking up to a beautiful sunrise, like a lovely summer day. Loving Dan is easy. There is nothing hard about it, and she’s filled with regret that it’s not the same for him. He deserves so much more. He deserves everything. 

Blair tilts her head up and looks at Dan, looking for something in his eyes, something to tell her that they’ll be okay. She sees that something, but she sees a lot of agony as well. He dips his head and captures her mouth in a single sweet kiss and Blair sighs. She loves this man so much. When their lips break apart they stay still, eyes locked, until finally Blair finds the courage to ask the question that has been plaguing her. 

“So, where does this leave us?”

Dan sighs. 

“I don’t know, Blair. I just don’t know.”


	17. Distance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happened in Rome does not stay in Rome. Dan returns to California. Blair decides she needs another unexpected ally.

Dan leaves that afternoon. 

Blair sits in a chair across from the bed watching him put his clothes back into his suitcase, her knees drawn up to her chest, her arms wrapped around them. She wants to say something but there isn’t anything left to say. He’s going home. The sun is shining through the bedroom window, leaving a dappled pattern on the bedspread. It falls on Dan’s hair and lights up the strands of gray here and there, and all she wants to do is run her fingers through his curls, but she doesn’t stand up, doesn’t go to him. Blair wants to cry but she won’t allow herself. She just sits. Watching. 

“There’s food in the fridge.” Dan says as she watches him. Blair nods. Always watching out for her, always taking care of her. She wants to do the same for him but she doesn’t know how. Blair is lost. 

She knows how he feels. That’s how she felt with Chuck. Always scrambling, always trying to find a way to make him happy, always keeping the truth away. The truth that she wasn’t actually happy herself. Getting hurt by him, over and over again. How has this happened? How has she become the one who instigates the pain, who keeps the dull ache alive? 

Blair needs to go back. 

She doesn’t know how, has no clue if there’s any way to go back, to experience what Dan went through, but she needs to have a true understanding of what she put him through. If she can understand, if she can feel his pain acutely, then maybe she can finally forgive herself and leave it all behind. 

“I’m sorry.” Blair says, and she feels like she can’t say those words enough, can’t feel them deep enough.

“It’s okay,” Dan answers, folding a shirt and placing it in his carry on. He lies. It’s not okay. It’s far from okay, but those are the words they say to each other to assuage the pain. 

She wants to go to him, to touch him, kiss him, to find a way to make the pain go away with their lips and hands, to feel him inside her again, to fuck, to make love, to feel something, and maybe then he wouldn’t leave her, maybe he would stay. 

“Are we separating?”

Blair doesn’t want to ask the question but she does anyway. The words hurt as she says one, each one slicing her heart like shards of glass. Her voice is shakey and her hands tremble a little. Dan looks up from packing and his eyes are wide and startled. She looks away. 

“Are we?” he asks her. Blair wants to cry. How can he even ask the question, but then again, it’s not like things are like they were before, only a day or so ago. 

“I don’t want to.” It’s the truth. They had promised each other forever. This is part of forever, even if it’s hard. She doesn’t want to run away from it or end it, she wants to find a way through it. She wants to do it together. Blair plays with a strand of her hair, looks down at the worn hardwood floor, anywhere but his face. 

“Me either.” Dan says quietly and she knows that he’s looking at her but Blair still can’t bring herself to look up. Not yet. Relief shoots through her with his words. He still wants her, no matter how fucked up everything is. And she still wants him. 

“Then we’re not.” Blair says, finally meeting his gaze and she sees love and sadness and pain all mixed together, radiating from him, making her feel warm and melancholy at the same time. She wants to run to him, to throw her arms around him, to beg him not to leave. Instead she just sits there, staring across the room. Dan doesn’t move, just keeps watching her. They say nothing, then he breaks her gaze and turns to look out the window.

“I love you, you know.” Dan says hoarsely. “This is tearing me apart.”

Blair finally moves, standing up and crossing the room to stand behind him. She wraps her arms around his chest and rests her forehead on his back, feeling the rise and fall of his breathing, his shirt soft on her cheek, and he feels warm and real and she never wants to let go. 

“Me too.” Blair whispers. She loves him. This is tearing her apart. They are so far apart but so close together that it hurts. 

She doesn’t go with him to the airport. It’s not like when he’s left before and Blair struggled to find a way to let him go. This time she needs to let him go. Dan takes a taxi and she stands on the balcony staring down at the street, watching him duck into the taxi, hoping he’ll glance up and see her, tell her it’s going to be okay. He never looks up. 

Blair manages to make it to the bed before she breaks down, her mouth open as muffles her sobs with the pillows, not caring that she is soaking the expensive Italian linens. Her whole body shakes and she says his name over and over again. 

Dan. 

Come back.

Don’t leave me.

I love you.

No one is there to hear her pleas. 

He goes home. Not to their home, not to the airy Parisian loft where everything reminds Blair of him, but the home he’s had without her for the last fifteen years. Blair can picture the house in Laguna Beach, and she wants to go there but she knows he needs time to figure this out. Blair returns to Paris the next day, leaving Rome and all notions of a romantic holiday behind. She drops the key in the lock box and promises herself that she’ll never return. Rome has become as bitter for her as it has been for Dan. If they make it through this they’ll find an entirely new place to build their memories. 

The loft is cold and empty when she returns, and Blair knows she should call in to work, tell them she’s back sooner than expected, but she doesn’t want to. Work isn’t the escape it used to be for her. She bumps around the silent empty rooms, small things reminding her of Dan. The art he insisted on putting on the living room wall. A program for the ballet they attended together. She sits in his office, running her fingers over the edge of the desk, find one of his detestable flannel shirts and buries her face in its softness, inhaling deeply because it smells like him. She sleeps cloistered on her side of the bed, throwing her arms out in her sleep, looking for him, only to wake disoriented, panicked, until she remembers that he’s not there. 

Two days pass by. Blair thinks she’s going crazy. 

The phone rings. Blair dashes into the kitchen and grabs it, hoping to hear his voice on the other end.

“Hello?”

“B?”

Serena’s voice is on the other end and disappointment squeezes the breath out of Blair. She can’t answer, just stand in the kitchen, holding the phone to her ear not saying anything.

“Nate told me.”

The tears start to flow. 

“I’m so lost,” Blair manages to whisper. “I’m so lost without him.”

“It’s not over.” Serena says gently and Blair is happy that her friend will lie for her. “It’s just a blip.”

“I don’t know.”

“He loves you.”

Blair chokes back a sob. 

“Heyyyyy,” Serena shushes over the phone. “you need a friend right now.”

Blair agrees. In that moment she makes a decision. She’s going to New York. She tells Serena who agrees that it’s a good idea and says that their guest room is available if Blair doesn’t want to stay alone in the penthouse, and they can stay up late and drown her sorrows in ice cream and it will be like old times. Blair sniffs, wishing she could manage to get upset without her nose running in an undignified way, and tells Serena that staying with her would be nice. 

“It’s set then,” Serena says with finality.

Blair is on a plane to New York in a few hours, dragging along the bag she’d originally packed for Rome, on her way to see her friend. She gazes out the window of the plane as it soars over the Atlantic, staring out into the eternal nothingness of the night, alone with only her thoughts to keep her company. 

She had hurt him. Blair knew that fifteen years ago when she had walked away from Dan. How could someone not be hurt after that, but she hadn’t realized until now how long he’d been carrying that pain with him. She’d never really known how much pain he had until she’d read Outside and seen Dan’s heartbreak laid out in the undeniable black and white of prose. Now she knew that the pain she’d caused him so long ago had never really gone away. 

Blair wants to go back. She wants to make a different choice, to take Dan’s hand on that day when he looked at her and told he she needed to decide what she wanted. She wants to make her choice all over again, because she knows now it would be different, and their lives would be different, and she wouldn’t be here with her heart shattering in slow motion and with no idea how to keep it together. She can only stand back and watch it happen with no idea how to make any of this stop. She knows now that all she’s ever wanted was Dan, but that doesn’t undo the damage that she did. 

She should have gone to Rome, should have set aside her fears and ideas of what love should be and embraced what love could be. They could have spent the summer together, grown up together, and maybe they would be busy with birthday parties and choosing schools and raising kids instead of trying to figure out how to untangle the past all these years later. 

None of that happened. Blair kept lying to herself and went with Chuck. Dan immersed himself in anger and went to Rome with Georgina. Nothing happened how it should have. There’s no way to go back. 

Blair closes her eyes and she feels like she’s going to cry again but there’s nothing left but pain. She opens her eyes to look back into the darkness and then a solitary thought jumps out at her. 

She never knew what happened to Dan in Rome. She was busy with Chuck, busy trying to be the perfect girlfriend, the perfect business woman. She’d read Outside, but she still had no idea what Rome had been like for him. She wishes she could travel back in time, be there, see what was so bad about Rome for Dan, but she can’t. Blair is stuck, trapped by her own decisions, and there’s no way to really understand what Dan has gone through. Except...there might be one way....

Georgina.

Blair says her name out loud. 

“Georgina Sparks.”

She had gone to Rome with Dan. She would know what had happened to him, would be able to tell Blair about Dan’s pain. She could help Blair understand. And then she could figure out how to make things right, because Dan can’t. He’s too close, to hurt. And Blair can’t, because she was never there and at the time she didn’t care. But Georgie. She was there, she was a witness. 

Blair smiles. 

The plane lands in JFK and Blair feels like she’s vibrating with excitement. She grabs her bag from the overhead and walks off the plane. As soon as she can get a signal she dials the number for Dorota.

“Miss Blair!” Dorota sound surprised to hear her voice. 

“I’m in New York and I need your help Dorotoa.” Blair says quickly. “I need a phone number.”

“Of course, Miss Blair. What number do you need?”

“Georgina Sparks.” Blair says firmly, “It's time for me to dredge up the past and Georgina is the person I need to help me do it.”


	18. The Past Doesn't Matter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Blair is mistaken for a stripper. Oh, and she gains some insight from another unexpected ally.

“Are you sure you got me the right address?”

Blair is standing on the sidewalk outside what appears to be some sort of night club. She’s on the phone with Dorota who is reading off the street numbers for the fifth time. It’s been a couple days since she arrived in New York and already Blair is feeling better. She’d never imagined that the place she had run away from so long ago, that she’d avoided because of too many memories, would actually bring some healing. 

She’s slept in, played with Gracie, stayed up late talking to Serena. Blair has enjoyed watching Nate come home and wrap his arms around his wife, placing a kiss on her neck and asking how her day had been. She is swaddled in the glow of domestic bliss and it has taken some of her pain away. Blair sat at the kitchen table as Serena smiled up at her husband, an interloper watching a stolen moment, and the way Serena’s face had lit up had given Blair a glimpse of the future for the first time in what felt like a long time. She could have this too. It was waiting, just out of reach, and all she had to do was stretch a little and take it. 

But she had one thing to do. 

Dorota hadn’t been able to find a phone number for Georgina but she had found an address for a business that was registered in her name and now Blair stood in front of an imposing shiny black building without any windows and just a door with some writing splashed across it. 

“It’s the right address, Miss Blair.” Dorota said and Blair answered that she wasn’t quite sure if she was really at the right place, then hung up the phone and walked towards the door. The writing on it was in gray lined with silver and Blair read it then smiled.

Sparkles

She had found the right place. Only Georgina would have a business name like that. Blair raised her fist and was about to knock when she heard a voice behind her, one she’d recognize anywhere. 

“Well, well, well. If it isn’t Blair Waldorf.”

Blair turned to find Georgina Sparks standing in front of her. She doesn’t look much different, although her face is a little tighter around the edges, the angles a little sharper and she has that look that so many older society ladies carry, the one where they look just a little too stretched and they discreetly slip you the card for their plastic surgeon when you comment on how wintering in St. Barts has done wonders for them. 

Georgina’s hair is still long, chestnut, falling in waves below her shoulders, expertly highlighted. She’s wearing a fur coat and tight gold leggings with ridiculously high heels. She extends a hand to Blair and Blair sees that it’s covered in gold rings, a plan gold bracelet dangling off her wrist. Blair takes Georgina’s hand and sees that her nails are perfectly manicured and blood red. Georgina leans forward and her bright red lips land on Blair’s cheek, kissing her like they’re old friends. Blair wipes away the lipstick mark when Georgina pulls back. 

“It’s been a long time.” Georgina purrs and she’s graceful, almost feline. Their hands are still clasped together and Blair fights off the vague feeling of unease she gets from Georgina being this nice. 

“It’s been over 16 years.” Blair says, thinking that the last time she saw Georgina she was trying to get out of her marriage to Louis and trying to figure out how she felt about Chuck and Dan was a mere blip on her radar, her loyal friend who never let her down. 

“Yes.” Georgina drawls, “Sixteen years. A long time.”

“Is this your business?” Blair asks, glancing over at the door. Georgina smiles, her teeth blindingly white. Everything about Georgina is carefully cultivated, a shiny veneer she presents to the world. 

“Yes, it is my business.” she says, her smile widening, looking a little like the cat who had swallowed the canary. “Do you want to come in?”

Blair nods. She hasn’t come all this way to walk away empty handed. Georgina drops Blair’s hand and take her by the arm then walks to the door. She taps lightly on it and someone on the other side turns a few locks then opens it. A burly man sees Georgina and smiles.

“Hey Georgie!” he says. “Who’s this, a new girl?”

Georgina laughs heartily and Blair feels like she’s missing out on some sort of joke. 

“That’s rich, Bruno. No, not a new girl. An old friend.”

Blair wants to remind Georgina that they were never friends, but now isn’t the time to dig up old vendettas. They walk through the doorway into a dark entryway, then through another doorway into a large room. It’s a club, full of plush chairs and small tables, the kind made to hold drinks and not much else. The edges are lined with booths receding into darkness, a huge crystal chandelier hangs from the ceiling and a bar lines one entire wall. In front of Blair is a huge stage and there are three poles that extend from the stage all the way up to the ceiling. Suddenly Blair realizes why Bruno was asking if she’s a new girl and she blushes. 

“Welcome to Sparkles,” Georgina says, gesturing around the room. 

Georgina asks if Blair wants a drink and Blair nods yes. She needs one after this. Georgina Sparks is the owner of a strip club. Georgina gestures to a woman behind the bar who nods back and pulls two glasses out, setting them on the counter with a loud clunk. Blair doesn’t care what kind of cocktail she gets, as long as it’s strong, because she’s going to need it. 

“A lot has changed,” Georgina says, her eyes taking in Blair’s surprised face. 

“Uh, yeah.” Blair agrees. They sit down at one of the tiny tables and Blair twists her hands in her lap. The woman at the bar brings over their drinks, leaning over Blair with her overblown cleavage, smiling at Georgina.

“Um, how?” Blair stammers and Georgina interrupts, saving Blair from having to ask how Georgina become some sort of madame. 

“You want to know how Georgina Sparks became a gentleman’s club maven? I guess I can tell you the story just to get it out of the way.”

Georgina tells Blair it was a natural fit. Sparkles is a classy establishment with a private entrance, catering to the wealthy and famous of New York City, and everyone knew that if anyone could keep a secret, it would be Georgie Sparks. She’d asked Philip for a little money and he’d agreed, so she’d started her career. 

“You wouldn’t believe the secrets I get from this place,” Georgina whispers to Blair. “It’s a goldmine, and you know that my main trade has always been secrets. That’s where the money is.”

She has politicians and millionaires in her pocket now. She has power. Georgina Sparks has found her place in the world. 

“So,” Georgina looks pointedly at her. “What do you want Blair? I don’t have a lot of time. The girls will start coming in soon and I’ll have to get to work.”

Blair doesn’t know where to start. Everything is surreal. 

“It’s about Dan.” Blair says. Georgina’s eyebrows arch up in surprise.

“Humphrey?” she asks, “isn’t he in California or New Mexico or something like that?”

Blair’s heart hurts. 

“Yes, he is, well, sort of.”

“So? Is this some sort of twelve steps make amends moment or something? After all these years? Sorry I fucked you over and broke your heart.”

Blair swallows. 

“We got married in June.”

Georgina’s eyebrows go up and she laughs. 

“Hell Blair, you managed to get that past even me. You and Dan, huh? What about Chuck?”

“We’ve been divorced for a long time.”

Georgina doesn’t look surprised. She taps her red nails on the black lacquered table top, clicking them one by one. 

“So, why do you need me.”

Blair swallows. She feels her words stick in her throat but she pushes them out.

“I hurt him. Not now, but a long time ago, and I don’t know how to make it better, and I thought....”

Georgina’s eyes narrow, her red lips part and one word comes out.

“Rome.”

“Yes,” Blair says, choking back a small sob. She will not do this. She will not break down in front of Georgina Sparks. She’ll keep it together and wait until she reaches the town car before she lets herself cry. 

Rome

“That was fucked up. He was fucked up.”

“I need to know.” Blair says softly. 

“It was a long time ago,” Georgina says, looking past Blair, toward the wall, but Blair knows she’s seeing Rome and Dan fifteen years ago. “And he was really delicious. All that sadness and heartbreak, and I was happy to help him feel a little better in whatever way I could.”

Georgina licks her lips. Blair winces but she doesn’t look away, keeps her eyes on Georgina’s face. She needs to know. 

“We had a little place in the middle of the city and Dan would write all day and then we’d drink all night and fuck each other.”

She pauses and looks at Blair who refuses to flinch, just keeps her eyes on Georgina, daring her to tell her more, to tell her everything. 

“He was so sad and sometimes I’d find him up in the middle of the night, crying.”

Georgina is far away again, her voice trailing off. 

“He had nightmares every night, you know, and sometimes he’d call out for you, and I’d go to him and hold him, but it never seemed to help.”

“Go on,” Blair said, feeling tears on her cheeks. Her insides feel twisted. 

“He called out your name when we fucked.”

“Oh god,” Blair finally lets out the sob she’d been holding back, her body shakes with its force. Her heart hurts and she wants to scream, to sink to the floor and pound with her fists until they hurt. She finally knows, truly knows, what she did all those years ago by walking away with no explanation, no closure. 

She finally feels his pain. 

Georgina covers Blair’s hand with her own in a strange gesture of consolation. Blair jerks her hand away. Georgina sighs. 

“I’ve always had a soft spot for Humphrey. You really fucked him over, Blair. I’ve never seen someone so broken. Until now, but...”

But what, Blair wants to ask. Now she goes on knowing just how badly she’d hurt him? Blair isn’t sure this was a good idea. She puts a hand up to stop Georgina from talking.

“I think I’ve heard enough.”

“Okay,” Georgina murmurs, looking satisfied. “But there’s one thing I don’t get.”

“What?” Blair asks as she stands up. What is there not to get about this. What is confusing about the situation to Georgina. Blair fucked up and she’s finally paying. Isn’t it clear?

“Why are you here?” Georgina says pointedly. “You got the happy ending. I’m sure Dan still loves you, has always loved you. I may be a bitch, but one doesn’t trade in the business of secrets without knowing something about human nature. I’m not surprised you two found each other again, not shocked that you and Humphrey are married. You love each other. You always have, but for some reason things didn’t work out fifteen years ago. So why are you here dredging up the past. Why aren’t you looking toward the future?” 

Blair can’t answer. There is no good way to explain, and she’s not really sure herself. Somehow they ended up trapped back in something that is actually over. She stares down at the floor, her eyes tracing the tile pattern on the floor. 

“I hurt him.”

“Pshaw.” Georgina spits out. “Hurt, pain, it’s all part of being human. We can only hurt people of we love them to start with. And love can heal the hurt. Grow up, Blair.”

She’s right. Chuck, their marriage failing, none of that hurts her like this. It never has. Maybe Blair hurt him more, but only because he’d loved her more, but that’s not the case anymore. She loves Dan, he loves her, and now, standing in front of Georgina Sparks of all people, Blair realizes that she’s right. The past doesn’t matter. What matters is now. She’s never understood that as clearly as she does as she stand in the middle of a classy strip joint, a strange place to have a revelation, but who is Blair to argue with when clarity strikes. 

Blair looks up. Georgina is watching her and Blair feels a strange kinship with this woman who has always been her enemy. She’d never imagined that the person who would save her would be Georgina Sparks. They say nothing, just look at each other and there is understanding between them. 

“Thank you,” Blair whispers, breaking the silence. She turns and walks toward the entryway. She knows what she needs to do now. It’s time to leave the past behind for good.


	19. All that Sparkles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Blair is called an idiot by more than one person and she takes that to heart.

Blair steps onto the sidewalk outside Georgina’s club and blinks in the sunlight. Everything around her looks faded in the brightness, and it takes her a moment to figure out which way the town car is parked. She pulls her cell phone out of her clutch and squints at the screen, trying to see if she’s missed a call while talking to Georgina, but she can’t see anything because of the glare from the sun.

She’s tired. 

The weariness feels like it’s found its way to the very center of her bones and all Blair wants to do is go home, wherever that is, and crawl into bed and finally let go of everything she’s been carrying around. Her eyelids droop from exhaustion and she starts toward the car which is parked down the block. Step by step she makes her way down the sidewalk, feeling heavy and tired, and finally she pulls the door open and almost falls back into the leather seat. 

Blair sighs. 

She’ll go tomorrow. Another plane ride to California, another knock on Dan’s door, and when she thinks about how his arms will feel around her, Blair smiles. She’s going home. But right now she’s going back to Serena and Nates and she’s going to crawl into the comfortable guest bed and sleep.

Her phone jumps and buzzes and Blair remembers that she was trying to see if anyone from the office had called her. Work is never far away and even though she’s supposed to be on vacation, her assistant has managed to call her at least once every day with some crisis or another that they need to resolve with her help. She picks up the phone and scrolls to the list of calls she missed. That’s when Blair’s heart stops. 

It’s not a Paris number.

She recognizes area code. It’s the same area code she would wait for every night, the same area code that would make her heart pound a little when she saw it on the caller ID. The area code, it’s a California area code. 

Dan.

Her hand trembles a little. 

Dan.

It’s like he can read the rhythm of her heart as it beats a tattoo for him, calling him to her, and   
Blair closes her eyes briefly, his name still on her lips. She wants to dial the number, to tell him in rushed sentences, stumbling over words, that she’s done. She’s done with the past, done with regret, done with all of this pain between them. Blair has realized after talking to Georgina that whatever is between herself and Dan is of their own construct, and just as they’ve created it, they can tear it down too. She wants to tell him all of this, but she holds herself back, sees the icon that says there’s a voicemail, makes her shaking fingers dial it, hoping she won’t cry when she hears his voice. 

Blair punches in her voicemail code and listens to the message. Her eyes widen in surprise. 

“Hey Blair, it’s me. Eric. I love you and Dan, but your husband is driving me crazy. Can’t you two figure this out? Maybe you can call him. Love you both. Now, save me from the Humphrey mope.”

Eric ends the message with a laugh. Blair thinks she’s officially been pulled into an intervention without her consent. Or maybe the intervention is meant for her. Yet another person to call her an idiot, to tell her this thing she and Dan are stuck in isn’t worth it. Blair dials the number on her caller ID. 

“Blair.”

She smiles when Eric picks up immediately. 

“Hey Eric,” she says warmly. Blair has always had a soft spot for Serena’s little brother, and she knows he’s been a good friend to Dan through the years. 

“I’m sorry to be so blunt, but what the fuck is wrong with you and your husband.”

Blair’s eyes widen. It’s almost the same question leveled at her by Georgina. Why are they doing this to each other. Why does the past have to weigh so heavily on the future. 

“It’s complicated.” she manages to stammer lamely. 

“Dude, it’s not really complicated. No more than the two of you are making it. I think getting married has made you overly susceptible to the classic Humphrey Overthink, because this is ridiculous.”

She smiles. 

“I agree.”

Eric starts to stay something then stops. 

“What?”

“I agree.” Blair repeats. “It’s ridiculous. I’ve had a very interesting talk with someone who made that very clear to me.”

“Who,” Eric asks.

“Georgina Sparks.” Blair says. “I just spent an hour with her at her club...”

“Oh, Sparkles! They have a great guys-only night...”

“Not really the point, but yes, it seems Georgina has made quite a business for herself.” 

“And she changed your mind about this idiocy?”

“Yes.”

It took Georgina and all her bluntness to make things clear to Blair. No one else was willing to rip the bandaid off the truth. Georgie didn’t mind the pain it would cause. She was willing to inflict the pain that was needed. 

“And I’m coming there,” Blair says quickly. “Tomorrow. I’ll be there tomorrow.”

“Uh, Blair,”

“I’ll take my mopey, heartbroken husband off your hands because I know I can make this all better.”

“Well, um...”

“So, no worries. Your bachelor pad will be back soon.”

“Wait, Blair.”

She’s about to hang up but Blair stops and asks what he wants.

“Um, Dan. He’s not here.”

Blair freezes.

“He’s not there?”

“He left this morning. We had a heart to heart and I told him that he’s being an idiot and he was gone when I got up.”

Blair’s heart, which had been buoyed up by hope, sank like a stone. Everything had been so hopeful a moment ago, and for the first time in a long time she could see everything clearly, and their entire future lay in front of her. Now a curtain dropped down over it and she was again unable to see anything but darkness. Dan had left. Dan was always leaving. It was like he was punishing her over and over again for leaving him fifteen years ago. Blair’s hand clenched into fists and she feels the anger welling up. 

“Blair?” Eric’s voice crackles on the other end of the phone. “I thought...well, he’s not picking up his phone, and I thought maybe he would if you called him.”

“Maybe.” Maybe not. Maybe he’ll never speak to her again. Blair feels the tears start up again and she wonders if there will ever be a time when she’s not moments away from crying. Goddammit, Dan. She’d just figured it out and now he’s not there. 

They make casual chit chat for a few more minutes, Eric telling how much he loves living in Laguna Beach and Blair winces with pain as she remembers how she loved being there too; the ocean, Dan’s lips on her skin, and a memory that should be good is instead painful. She needs to stop hurting. Finally Blair says goodbye and Eric tells her to kiss his niece for him, and Blair thinks a little Gracie goodness might be what she needs right now to feel better, a snuggle with a sweet baby. She tells the driver to head back to the Archibald apartment and settles back into the leather seat, her body sagging, her heart tired. 

Serena is standing in the living room when Blair drags herself into the apartment, Gracie balanced on her hip, and the baby coos when she sees Blair and smiles. Blair smiles back, and it’s the first genuine gesture she’s made all day, the first one that feels real, and for a moment the innocence and sweetness of that baby washes over her and she feels a little bit better. 

“Oh, B.” Serena sighs, obviously reading the defeat and sorrow on Blair’s face. She hands Grace to a nanny who has been sitting nearby then walks up to Blair and takes her into her arms. Blair sinks into her friend’s embrace, letting Serena take some of her burden, letting someone hold her up for just a few minutes. 

“I’m so sorry,” Serena whispers over and over again, her hand running up and down Blair’s back, and Blair is sorry too. She’d finally figured it out and it’s too late now. Dan is gone. 

“I love him.” Blair whispers, feeling relieved to tell someone. She will never stop loving him. But his words echo in his head, that sometimes love simply isn’t enough. How have they gotten to that point so quickly. They were newlyweds not that long ago. Now there is an unbreachable distance between them. 

“I know, B.” Serena coos, rocking Blair a little, in the same way she might rock Grace after a big cry, and Blair feels safe and loved. “I know.”

After a long time the two women break apart and Blair wipes at the tears in her eyes, sniffs a little and smiles. This is her life. She has picked up the pieces before and it’s time to pick them up again. She has good friends. She has her business. Maybe she wasn’t meant to have everything. Maybe love will elude her forever. 

Serena smiles. She traces Blair’s cheek with a finger, wiping away a tear that managed to escape Blair’s efforts. 

“Maybe it’s not that bad.” Serena says and Blair wants to snap at her that having hope isn’t helpful. Instead she smiles wanly. 

“It’s that bad.” Blair says quietly. “I can’t keep lying to myself.”

Serena squeezes her hand and the two of them walk toward the stairway leading to the rooms upstairs. Blair just wants to sleep, but not quite yet. 

“Oh,” Serena says, “I almost forgot. Dorota called.”

Suddenly Blair doesn’t want to be there. She wants to go home, to the penthouse, to Dorota. She’ll make her tea and brush her hair off her forehead in a way Blair’s mother never did, and put out her favorite nightgown. Suddenly she wants her old bed and all the comforts of home, or what used to be home. Where she grew up, except that Blair feels like she’s grown up more in the past two years, since Dan came back into her life, then she did when she was young and trying to figure things out. 

“What did she want?” Blair asks.

“She asked if you could come by this afternoon.” Serena answers. 

Somehow Dorota knows. She knows Blair needs her. 

“I think I’m going to stay the night at the penthouse,” Blair tells Serena. Her friend gets a look of understanding and pity on her face, tells her that Grace will miss her and this makes Blair smile. She’ll miss Gracie too, but tonight she needs to find a way to salve the wound that has been made on her soul. Tonight she needs to be home, or somewhere that’s the closest to home she’s ever had. 

Blair packs her bag and calls the car. It’s a short ride to the penthouse. As she walks through the lobby Blair thinks that she might ask Dorota for some of her homemade hot chocolate. She’s ready to fall into bed, into a dreamless sleep. She gets into the elevator, staring at the doors as it goes up to the top floor. The doors slide open and Blair steps into the familiar foyer to find Dorota waiting for her, wringing her hands, talking a mile a minute. 

“Miss Blair. I’m so sorry. I needed to get you here and I thought if I told you why you’d never come, that you’d turn around and leave and I didn’t want that to happen, because you both need to stop being such idiots...”

Blair blinks at the world idiot, not hearing the rest of what Dorota said. It seems to be a universal theme from everyone around her. Georgina. Eric. She’s sure Serena longs to utter the word. But from Dorota? Her loyal maid, the woman who is practically her mother. Calling Blair an idiot? 

“What?” Blair stammers, “What are you going on about?”

Dorota stops and stares at Blair. They say nothing. 

“Just come with me.” Dorota finally says. 

Blair protests. She’s tired. She wants to go to bed. Whatever it is can wait until morning. She has a teleconference in the morning. She’ll be flying back to Paris tomorrow afternoon. She doesn’t need to see whatever Dorota wants to tell her. Really, can’t it wait.... 

“No!” Dorota says firmly, and Blair is a little taken aback. “This cannot wait.”

She grabs Blair’s hand and drags her toward the living room and when they round the corner into the formally decorated room that still reeks of Eleanor, Blair making a mental note to redecorate soon, Blair stops and stares. She grips Dorota’s hand tightly and feels her maid squeezing her hand back. 

“I told you it can’t wait, Miss Blair.” Dorota whispers.

His back is to her. His hair is a little longer and she thinks they haven’t been apart that long, have they? He’s staring pensively out one of the windows. He doesn’t know she’s standing behind him and she drinks in his slim figure, his broad shoulders. Blair feels the tension spring from her body, tension she didn’t even know she had been carrying until she could finally let it go. She opens her lips and his name slips out, almost against her will. 

“Dan!”

He turns at the sound of her voice and starts to say her name but before he can finish it, Blair has let go of Dorota’s hand, run across the room and is in his arms, kissing him on the mouth over and over, say his name between kisses. 

Dan...Dan...Dan...

He laughs and it rumbles in his chest, and she’s so hungry for him, missed him, and he feels so good in her arms, smells so good, and a million other random thoughts collide together, all centered on the man who is in her arms. 

“Whoah,” Dan mumbles between kisses, “slow down.”

Blair doesn’t want to slow down. She wants him now, both of them stuck between the past and the future, and she doesn’t know what tomorrow will bring, just that he’s here with her and she’s not going to let him go. She tells him this. 

“I can’t let you go,” Blair whispers, her forehead touching his, her chest heaving, words tumbling out. “Not now. Not when I’ve missed you so much. Not when there’s so much I need to say, to tell you, not now, not....”

“Blair,” Dan stops her talking with a finger on her lips. “You don’t have to.” he says, bending his head and kissing the tip of her nose, her cheek. Blair closes her eyes. “I’m not going anywhere.”

Her heart soars again with his words. He’s here. He’s staying. She searches his eyes and there’s nothing but love. No pain. No betrayal. They are open and loving and she thinks she could drown in their deepness. Blair kisses him again, this time slowly and sweetly, tongues mingling, and hunger zips up Blair’s spine like a shot of electricity, and she knows there’s nothing to talk about at the moment.


	20. Escape to the Hamptons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the real honeymoon, as well as a bonfire and memories going up in smoke

Blair decides to make a memory. 

She can’t escape the feeling that this might be all she has, might be all she’ll ever has, so she decides she’s going to remember every moment. 

They end up in her bedroom, Dan’s shirt in a pool on the floor, Blair’s shirt unbuttoned. There might have been a time when this made Blair giggle, made her think about being young and silly, when spending the night felt like the biggest decision in the world, long before there were bestselling novels and international companies to run, long before life started to feel serious. She might smile at Dan and tease him about not letting her parents hear them, but Blair doesn’t feel buoyant enough to smile or make fun. She feels weighed down, heavy with desire, like every moment, every kiss counts for something. 

She goes slow, kissing Dan deeply, wanting to devour him, absorb him into her being so he can never leave her again. She tells him without words that she won’t survive it again, even if she lies to herself and tells herself that she has plenty in her life, that she can live with the sorrow and without love. She won’t survive it. 

His skin is warm under her lips and she kisses it over and over, tasting his salt and sweat, and Dan moans as she slips her fingers under the waistband of his jeans at the same time, her lips still making their way across his clavicle, finding the curve of his neck. 

“I missed you.” Blair whispers between kisses. 

“Blair,” Dan gasps. “I....”

His voice trails off as she grazes his nipple with her teeth. She wants to tell him not to talk, to shut up and let her memorize him, mapping his body with her fingers.

Blair is being chased by ghosts trying to drag her back into the past, and even though Dan said he’s staying, she can’t cut them loose. Not yet. They pull at her skin, reminding her that nothing is forever. Louis wasn’t. Chuck wasn’t. Dan won’t be. They tell her that ultimately Blair Waldorf will be alone, whisper in her ear that she doesn’t deserve this, not after what she’s done. It’s her own shame dragging her down, and she knows what will shatter it into a million pieces, but not tonight. Not until she can make this memory. 

“Fuck me,” Blair whispers in Dan’s ear, her teeth nipping at his earlobe. “I need you.”

I love you.

She can’t say it. Not yet. Not until she can make things right. 

Her hands tug at his pants and suddenly things aren’t slow and languid anymore. Blair is seized with desperation, desire ripping through her, leaving her breathless, and she goes from exploring Dan’s body, the one she’s explored so many times before, to needing him inside her, in a matter of seconds. Dan appears to be experiencing the same things because he pushes her hands away and fumbles at the button on his jeans, uttering profanities when it doesn’t give way immediately, then he’s pushing them down his hips, followed by his boxers and Blair is kicking off her panties, not caring that her skirt is still on. She reaches around her back and unclasps her bra, and then Dan is on top of her and he’s sucking on one of her nipples and Blair feels shameless about how much she wants him. She spreads her legs and lifts up her hips, pushing up towards him, trying to feel him against her groin, trying to get some friction, some relief. 

“Oh god, Blair,” Dan gasps as she finds her target, rubbing up against him. He leaves her breasts and returns to kissing her as his hands grab her wrists and pull them above her head and then he’s inside her and Blair’s hips buck. Then they are moving in unison and he’s looking down at her, watching her, and Blair refuses to look away. Not until she finally comes, melting into her core, back arching, his name on her lips. 

They collapse into the bred, tangled around each other, not saying anything, just breathing together, skin stuck together with sweat and fluids, and Blair can finally sleep, Dan’s arms wrapped around her, holding her tightly like she might disappear and Blair says nothing but she tells him silently to never, ever let her go. 

Breakfast in on a tray next to the bed when they wake up and Blair smiles. Dan is still asleep next to her, turned onto his belly, breathing heavily. Blair just watches him. After a long time he stirs, reaching out for her and when his hand finds her Blair thinks she hears a sigh of relief. Dan turns over and looks at her. 

“Hi.” he says sleepily. 

Blair’s heart clenches. 

“Dan...” she starts. “I have to...I need to tell you....”

“Shhhhhh....” His finger is on her lips. His face is so close. She wants to kiss him. “Here and now.”

Those words take her back to what feels like a lifetime ago. They are back to the here and now, the last few weeks falling away. They are Dan and Blair. Married. In love. Blair smiles. 

“Here and now,” she repeats, meaning every word. 

“I don’t want to ignore what happened,” Dan continues. “I can’t. I figured out that there’s more baggage between us then I ever realized. This...us...we’re not just a couple of people who met and married. We have years and years of pain between us”

Blair feels the tears again, but this time they don’t hurt. They’re tears of relief. She nods. 

“I don’t want to pretend we’re back where we were. I don’t think we were ever there in the first place and all that pain was waiting to explode, and it did, in Rome.”

Blair smiles and then laughs despite her tears.

“I hate Rome,” she tells him. 

“So do I,” Dan agrees. “We never have to go back there.”

“Ever.” Blair strokes the side of his face with her fingers. He grabs her hand and places a kiss on its palm. 

“Being without you for these last few weeks, well, it’s been hell.” Dan says, watching her face. Blair nods. Hell. “And nothing is worth going through that. Nothing we have done to each other is worth being apart. We can fix this.”

Blair nods again. Dan is right. They can fix this. 

“And I have a plan,” he continues. “So, if you can wait a little bit, not too long, you can tell me what you need to tell me, and I can tell you what I need to tell you, and we can move forward.”

“Yes.”

Dan leans forward and captures his mouth with his in a slow, lingering kiss and Blair forgets about teleconference calls and breakfast and maybe also to breathe as she kisses him back. 

They go to the Hamptons. Dan drives and Blair watches him across the car and it reminds her of another road trip at least a lifetime ago when they were united behind saving Serena, and she thinks that might be when all of this began. That was when she started to realize that Dan Humphrey wasn’t all that bad. Blair reaches across the car and grabs Dan’s hand. He glances over at her and smiles. 

The Archibald complex is on the beach and Dan has the key, and Blair realizes that Serena must have known Dan was in New York. She must have known that he was waiting for her at the penthouse, must have known why Dorota was calling. 

Dan goes for a swim in the pool. Blair sits in a chaise lounge on the deck pretending to read a book. He suggests a restaurant in downtown that Nate said was good. Blair shrugs and says ‘why not’. It’s hard to believe that just a few days ago she was ready to walk away, to never have Dan in her life again, and now they are back to some sort of strange domestic bliss. She puts on a flowing dress and sandals and Dan walks around to her side of the car and opens the door, offering her his arm, and Blair takes it, smiling. They eat and talk and talk some more, and Blair realizes that she’s missed him. They weren’t apart for that long but it was too long, and she hates that anything has come between them. 

The sun is going down as they make their way home, Blair leaning her head on Dan’s shoulder as he steers the car, and she’s content. When the unlock the massive door to the house Dan grabs her hand and squeezes it. 

“One more thing, Blair.” 

Blair blinks. What else could there be on what has already been a perfect evening. Dan grabs a bag that he’d left by the front door earlier and gestures for her to follow him. 

“The beach.” he says. Blair grabs his hand and they walk down the grass-lined path towards the sound of the roaring ocean, step by step, arms swinging in time, saying nothing, listening to the wind rustle the grass around them, the sand soft under their feet. Finally the path opens onto the beach and Blair stops, gazing out into the immense darkness of the ocean, the sky dotted with only a few starts. She shivers a little and Dan puts his arm around her shoulders. 

“Over here,” he says, gesturing toward what appears to be a ring of logs around a cement pit. The walk over and Blair sees that the pit is full of fresh wood and she looks up at Dan and smiles. 

“A beach fire,” she murmurs. “what a perfect way to end our evening.”

“There’s more,” Dan says, gesturing for her to sit down. He fusses with the wood for a few minutes until a tongue of flame is licking up the dry wood and Blair hears crackles. Then Dan is back next to her, sitting on the same log, but not touching her. He puts the bag in his lap and looks over at her. 

“This is our past, Blair,” he says, gesturing at the bag. “I want to put it to rest tonight.”

Blair feels the tears start again. Dan opens the bag and pulls out a stack of notebooks, edges worn. He looks at them for a moment.

“This is Rome.” he tells her. “It’s everything I wrote during that time. I read them again and I was so angry. So hurt.” 

“Dan,” Blair gasps. “No.”

She can’t let him continue, can’t let him be the one that takes on this burden. Blair turns to him and takes the journals out of his hands. 

“I don’t know what you’re doing with these, my love,” Blair says quickly, not wanting Dan to say another word. “But you’ve done enough. Since you came back into my life there hasn’t been a moment that I haven’t felt loved and cared for. You have this way of understanding me that cuts to my core. You make everything right. I can’t let you do this until I can make things right for once.”

“It’s okay,” Dan whispers. “I know.”

“You don’t know.” Blair says quickly. “I need to tell you, and then you’ll know.”

“Okay.” Dan says. Blair puts the journals down and takes both Dan’s hands in hers. 

“I’m sorry.” she says, slowly, firmly. “I should have said those words to you sixteen years ago when I walked away from you with no explanation. I have a lot of reasons for what I did, but none of them change the fact that I was selfish and thoughtless, and I am so sorry.”

She’s crying. 

“I know what you went through now. I saw Georgina, and she told me how bad it was, and her words ripped my heart out. If I had been stronger, had been surer of myself, I would have gone with you to Rome, would have stayed with you, and our story would be different.”

She stops and shivers, not sure if she can say what needs to be said, not sure if she’s strong enough. Dan squeezes her hands and Blair finds the strength to go one in his grip, in his touch. He is her strength. 

“I hurt you and I’m still hurting you, so I’m going to stop hurting you right now. I’m sorry, Dan Humphrey. I should have been stronger. I hurt you and I will live with that for the rest of my life, but none of this means I can go on without you, because I can’t. I hope you can forgive me someday, because I’m the one who has put us through this. No one else is to blame.”

“Blair.” 

She lets his hands go and his arms are around her, pulling her to him, holding her tight. Blair feels his shirt on her cheek and it’s damp from her tears, and she never wants this moment to end. This is where she needs to be. 

They hold each other as the fire crackles and the ocean roars and the grasses rustle in the wind. They hold each other in the darkness, under the almost starless sky. Dan whispers into her hair and Blair grips him like he might float away. After what feels like an eternity Dan pushes her away a little and looks down at her. 

“Thank you,” he whispers. He picks up the books from the log. “Now, I need to tell you something.”

Blair nods and wipes at her nose with the back of her hand, not caring how unladylike it is. Her eyes feel heavy and swollen but her heart feels light, unburdened. 

“I thought we could live in the here and now,” Dan starts, watching her as he talks, “but I was wrong. Rome showed me that. The past has weighed heavily on me for the last sixteen years and I thought I’d let it go, but clearly I didn’t. That doesn’t mean I shouldn’t, so I found these.”

He holds out the journals. They have ‘Summer 2012’ scrawled across the front. Dan looks at Blair then looks over at the fire. 

“I’m ready to stop letting the past eat me up inside. Nothing that has happened is as important as the fact that you’re here with me now. So, I want to burn these journals tonight, to let Rome go up in flames, to end it.”

“Are you sure,” Blair asks. Dan nods.

“I have Inside and Outside as testament to those times,” he says. “I don’t need more. It’s bad enough that those will be forever a memorial to something so fucked up. All Rome was to me was missing you and trying to kill the pain any way I could. Why should I hold onto any of that?”

“You shouldn’t.”

Dan hands Blair one of the journals. It feels soft and cool in her hands. She runs her finger over the smooth cover. 

“You do the first one.” Dan says quietly. Blair takes the journal and tosses it into the fire. The fire flares up, blue and yellow flames licking at the cover and she watches as the words on the cover disintegrate in the heat. Dan throws another in and they both stare at it, their past going up in flames. They take turns throwing the rest in, watching them burn. When they are all burned, Dan takes Blair into his arms. 

“I love you.” he says softly, warmly. “I’m so sorry I let anything get in the way of that.”

“I’m sorry too.” Blair says back. She’ll never stop feeling sorry, even if the feelings fade over time. There will always be that tinge of regret that she hadn’t done things differently. 

Dan sits in the sand, his back against the log, Blair settles into his arms, and they sit there until the fire becomes embers, glowing in the dark, until Blair’s eyes droop shut and she falls asleep, slumping against Dan. He picks her up, cradling her against his chest and walks back to the house. 

This is the moment Blair will never forget. The moment of forgiveness and redemption, on a beach in the middle of the night, cradled in the arms of her husband, the past left in the ashes of the fire pit, burned up, waiting for the winds to come and blow it away entirely.


	21. Starting Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan and Blair decide it's time to start again by going back to the beginning.

Blair wakes up happy. She stretches her arms and legs and arches her back then relaxes back into the cool cotton sheets thinking that no one should really be allowed to be this happy, to feel like joy fills every cell of her body, but she does. She slides out of bed and doesn’t bother to throw on a robe over her nightgown, just pads down the hallway towards the kitchen. 

She’s tired and aching, every joint in her body protesting her moving out of bed, and she thinks there is still some sand in her hair. Sleep clings to her like cobwebs, beckoning her back into its arms. Blair had woken up when Dan put her gently into the bed, kissing her on the forehead, and Blair lay there, staring into the darkness, afraid to close her eyes because this might all turn out to be a dream, half convinced that sleep was her enemy, that if she gave into its embrace she would wake up alone again. She had finally fallen asleep in the early hours of the morning, her eyes fluttering shut against her will. 

He’s still there. 

She can hear pans and dishes clanking in the kitchen as she walks towards it and Blair smiles. He’s still there, doing what he’s always done since they got back together; making her breakfast. Blair stops in the doorway and leans against the door jam, watching silently, not wanting this moment to end. He’s shaking a pan on the stovetop, throwing some vegetables into it, grabbing shreds of cheese. The muscles on his forearms strain a little with the weight of the pan as he flips it around. Dan turns as if he can tell he’s being watched and he smiles a warm smile that reaches all the way to his eyes when he sees her standing there. Blair chuckles a little when she realizes he’s found an apron somewhere that has ‘Kiss the Cook’ splashed across the top of it, and she thinks she might just do that later. 

“Good morning.” Blair murmurs, smiling back at him. 

She walks over and pulls a chair out from the long, distressed farmhouse table that dominates the kitchen and sits down. Dan puts a plate at her place with an omelet on it. He slides a mug of coffee in front of her and Blair takes a drink, feeling the hot liquid warm her chest. 

“Good morning.” Dan rumbles, grinning. “Sleep well?”

“Not really.” Blair says, and she thinks it was for all the wrong reasons. She’s not sure when she’s going to trust she won’t wake alone, not sure when the fear will stop creeping up on her. “Sleep has been hard lately.”

“I know what you mean.”

Dan flips another omelet onto a plate then sits down next to her. They eat in silence, Blair putting forkfuls of fluffy eggs and cheese into her mouth and glance up at him every now and then, making sure he’s still there. 

They have two more weeks of vacation left. 

Dan says they could go somewhere. They both have their passports. They could spin the globe and put a finger down and just go there. They could find a new place, one that belongs to Dan and Blair. 

“No,” Blair tells him. “I want to stay here.”

The last few weeks have stretched on like years, and Blair feels like they’ve been apart forever. This is their new memory. A house on the beach, the past going up in flames, eating breakfast together, sleeping in each others arms. She doesn’t want some exotic locale or adventure in a foreign land. She wants this to be their beginning. 

He agrees that they should stay.

“Nate said we could have the house as long as we wanted,” Dan tells her. Blair thanks the universe that Serena and Nate are back in her life again, thankful that her dear friends seems to know exactly what she and Dan need. 

They need time. 

Blair still feels raw. Sometimes when she looks over at Dan pain zips through her from out of the blue, leaving her a little breathless. Everything that she’d been suppressing and holding back for fifteen years now sits close to the surface, trying to break through any crack in her veneer, and Blair knows that the only thing that is going to fix the damage done is time. 

They need to be together, just the two of them, to find forgiveness over and over until one day there’s nothing left to forgive. Blair knows things won’t be better just because they’ve confronted what they’ve done to each other, just because they’ve acknowledged it. She knows recovery takes time. 

They have two weeks. They could have more if they need it. They actually have forever, but life goes on, books need to be written, designs need to be approved, empires need to be run. It’s only a matter of time before life gets in the way so Blair knows that she must seize the moment. 

Here and now. 

Those words have never seemed so poignant to Blair as she finishes her coffee and tells Dan she’s going to get in the shower. He suggests he might join her with a wolfish grin and raised eyebrows. 

Part of reconnecting is physical. It’s being vulnerable with each other. It’s watching his eyes close and his jaw go slack as he lets go completely. Every time they fuck they get closer and the pain gets duller. Blair likes this. So yes, he can come with her to the shower and push her against the wet tiles, invade her mouth with his tongue and leave her panting with desire. Blair doesn’t mind at all.

They go into town that afternoon, walking slowly along the sidewalk, gazing into storefronts, hands linked together. Dan drags her into a bookstore and they emerge with a bagful of books. Blair thinks Nate might feel mildly insulted that she and Dan didn’t find his collection of sports autobiographies and true adventure stories worthy literary pursuits. Dan tells her he did a signing here once, what seems like a lifetime ago, and that the bookstore hadn’t changed. They don’t say anything after that, the past feeling too close for words. 

Dinner is one the beach, Dan pulling deli food from a picnic basket, Blair sitting cross-legged on a blanket, watching the waves lap onto the shore and the gulls dive down into the water, emerging with various things in their beaks that they take to nearby rocks and fight over. She shivers and little and Dan pulls a throw out of the basket and wraps it around her shoulders. They don’t talk much. Not that there isn’t anything to say. Everything lies between them. It’s just that neither of them want to tip the balance they’ve struck. The setting sun sends colors streaking through the sky and Blair feels close to bursting into tears at any moment and about to burst with happiness at the same time and it’s an strange place to live. Dan’s arms are around her and she leans back, letting her weight rest on his chest. 

The sleep wrapped in each others arms and Blair finds the dreams aren’t as bad when Dan’s there with. 

Their days go on like this. 

Dan swims in the pool. Blair stretches out on the lounge on the deck, lost in the pages of a book. She doesn’t notice when he swims up to the edge and smiles up at her. 

“Waldorf-Humphrey.”

Blair peers over the top of her book to see her husband grinning at her mischievously. She briefly debates ignoring him, then decides to put her book down.

“Yes?” Blair asks, keeping her face neutral, hiding behind huge sunglasses. He licks his lips like he wants her all of the sudden and she wonders how much longer before they’re making their way to the bedroom, or if they’ll get there before she convinces him that they never have to admit to Serena and Nate that they had sex on their living room couch, as well as the kitchen table, and that no one should expect that sex in the shower shouldn’t happen, especially with newlyweds. 

“I think we need to make some changes.”

Changes? What changes do they need to make? Eat in instead of out, breakfast for dinner, movie instead of book, walk on the beach instead of going into town, Blair on top more than half the time? Blair blinks. What changes is Dan talking about? 

He climbs out of the pool dripping wet and grabs a towel. Blair watches him as he dries off, her eyes drinking in the lines of his body, his slim hips, the way the hair on his chest tapers down his belly, his muscled legs. This time she licks her lips and lust starts to curl up from her belly. 

“What changes?” she asks, keeping her voice even as he pads over to her and sits on the edge of the empty lounge chair next to her. 

“I don’t know,” Dan sighs, “I like it here, I like us in the Hamptons, and I don’t want it to end, but soon we’ll be going back and I want to find a way to make things different than they were.” 

Blair knows what he’s saying. She lived her own life for ten years. After she left Chuck, Blair was left with only herself, and while it was lonely, she was also able to create a world that was entirely her own. Dan did the same. When they found each other again, they kept having to meld into the other’s world. 

She remembered the day they went to LA and how strange everything had been as she had held on for dear life in the passenger seat of the Jeep. Blair had almost felt like a tourist in Dan’s life, taking in the sights, blending in with the locals, but in the end, she didn’t fit into California entirely. Paris was the same. Despite Blair giving Dan his own office, it was still Blair’s loft, Blair’s world, and he was a good sport about cocktail parties and mingling with businessmen and their wives, but at the end of the day, it wasn’t Dan’s world, it was hers, and he was a tourist there as much as she was in his. 

Here, in the Hamptons, they are each others world. 

Blair tells Dan this. She tells him that she wants to make changes, to find a way they can truly make a life together, and she knows that returning to Paris isn’t necessarily going to let them do that, and that Laguna Beach poses the same problem. 

“How about some place entirely new?” Dan asks her. 

A new beginning. A new home. Blair smiles at him. 

“That’s a wonderful idea.” she says and Dan leans forward and captures her mouth in a long, sweet kiss that soon deepens and the discussion is set aside until later. 

It's decided. They will find a new place to live. Blair suggests London. Dan says he doesn’t like the weather. He says he likes Costa Rica. Blair says she can’t run her company from there. Neither of them want to move to Asia. 

They have two days left before they leave. Blair finds she’s feeling uneasy, not quite ready to emerge from the world they’ve built for themselves. In a way they have finally had the honeymoon they never got after they were married, and she doesn’t want to have to return to reality. 

Dan buildsa fire on the beach again. Blair nestles into his side as they sit with their backs propped against the driftwood logs around the pit watching the flames lick up the wood, listening to the ocean roar, the wind blowing softly. 

“I love you, Mrs. Waldorf-Humphrey,” Dan says softly, seriously. Blair’s heart melts. 

“I love you too.”

They don’t say much else, just sit in the silence that seems to dominate their interactions lately. As the evening light grows dimmer Blair finds the courage to say what has been running through her mind the last couple days. 

“I’m scared,” she whispers, not sure if Dan heard her. His arm tightens around her shoulder and she knows her words didn’t fall on deaf ears. 

“Me too.” Dan answers. 

The ghosts of their past still have a hold on them and they are haunted by almost failing. Everything had seemed to perfect before and Blair doesn’t know what will keep them from going down that path again, can’t see what will keep the past at bay. Leaving this house means returning to the real world and the real world means they might fail. Blair doesn’t think she’ll survive losing him again. 

She is wearing a tank top and the cooling air raises goosebumps across her skin and Blair shivers. Dan’s hand runs across the bare skin of her arm and it makes Blair shiver again but this time for an entirely different reason. She rises to her knees then turns to Dan and straddles his lap. He smiles at her, a lazy, knowing, lopsided smile, and Blair feels like she’s been waiting for this man for her entire life. 

“I need you,” she murmurs, bending down and placing her lips on the column of his neck, liking the sharp intake of his breath as her lips press firmly on his warm skin. She moves up his neck, trailing kisses, feeling his arms tighten around her back, crushing her to him. 

“Blair.”

She pulls back and smiles at him. 

“Yes?” she asks, smirking a little. 

His voice is raw and cracking when he speaks again, and she knows he wants her. 

“Don’t stop.” 

She leans forward and kisses him on his lips, softly, gently. 

“Where were we happiest?” Blair asks him. “Not now. Now since Serena’s wedding. Before.”

“Were we happy before?” Dan asks her back, his eyes deep and serious. “I have a hard time remembering.”

“We were.” she pushes his hair off his forehead gently. “You made me so happy, even back then. I was stupid not to realize how important that was....”

Her voice trails off. The pain creeps back around the edges. If only she’d understood what she knows now.

“Shhhhhhhhh....” Dan reaches up and smooths a finger across her forehead, soothing her, chasing away the demons. He tucks a stray strand of hair that has escaped back behind her ear, takes her hand and kisses the inside of her wrist. 

She remembers a moment a long time ago. It wasn’t a big moment, it didn’t contain any life-changing revelation, because if it had, she would have never gone back to Chuck. It was a sunny afternoon and she was wearing a fluffy pink gown that Dan had cajoled her into pulling from the recesses of her closet. She remembers a cheap tiara and how she’d reminded Dan that she was worth more than dime-store frivolity and he’d told her to trust him. She remembered him giving her the gift of being a princess one last time and she’d been purely and entirely happy as she’d smiled at him and her heart had soared. 

“Where were we happy before?” Blair asks again. 

“I don’t know Blair,” Dan answers. “Sometime I don’t think I was ever happy until you came back into my life.”

“You have always made me happy. Even when I didn’t know that was what I needed. Let’s go back to that. That’s where we need to be.”

Dan looks at her quizzically. 

“Back to that?”

“Let’s move back to New York.” 

His eyebrows go up. 

“New York?”

It makes sense. Their family is there. Their friends are there. Their goddaughter is there. New York is a fashion hub and there would be plenty of writing for Dan to take on. They’ve been running away from New York and from each other. Maybe their new start should actually be a return to their beginning. 

“Yes!” Blair says excitedly. “I have the penthouse, we could remodel the whole thing, or find an entirely new place. I could move Waldorf Designs there. You could write, or teach or do whatever you wanted. We would be near your dad and Serena, Nate and Grace. My mom could come to visit. Jenny isn’t far away.”

She pauses and looks down at him, searching his face for an answer. 

“Tell me I’m not crazy.” Blair says. “Tell me this could work.”

Dan looks at her and then a smile spreads over his face. 

“You’re not crazy.”

Blair squeals and covers his face with kisses. A great sense of relief floods through her and for the first time since she walked into the penthouse to find Dan in the living room Blair feels like the past has finally been left behind, no longer feels it nipping at her heels, lurking around corners. They’re embracing the past and making it their future. 

They’re going home.


	22. First Comes Love, then Comes Marriage, Then...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Blair stares at two lines on a plastic stick and wonders if this is what she really wants.

Blair stares at the plastic stick. She shakes it then stares at it again, squinting, trying to pretend she didn’t see the faint pink line that is materializing against the white background. 

Shit.

She should be happy. She should be jumping up and down for joy, but the first thought in her head is unsettling, and her stomach churns. 

I don’t want this. 

It’s not entirely the truth. She does want this. In her dreams they have a family, little feet and hands, heads of dark curly hair, chubby cheeks. In her dreams someone call her mama and wants kisses before falling asleep. She wants this more than anything, but as she sits on the toilet staring at the stick, all she wants to for things to be different. 

I’m not ready.

“You okay in there?” 

Dan’s voice is casual, unconcerned on the other side of the door. He doesn’t know that his wife is frozen, perching on the toilet, staring at a pregnancy test and that the result is positive. They are getting ready to go out, an art opening in Chelsea. It’s Eva’s opening. She had contracted to curate for a gallery in New York for a few months, and Chuck will be there, and Blair should be excited for a night with food and drinks and stumbling home in the early morning, happy and bubbly, except she’s not. Her entire world is spinning out of control. Because she’s pregnant. 

No drinks for Blair tonight. 

They’ve been back in New York for three months and it took three before that to get everything together for the move. Blair had to scout out a new office location. The penthouse needed to be remodeled. Dan had to wrap things up in California. They ended up starting their new life together in the middle of a cold New York Winter, Blair bundling up, Dan holding her hand to keep her from slipping on icy sidewalks as they walked in the cold evening air. Blair making fun of those scarves he insisted on wearing. They hold cups of coffee to keep warm and debate what films will be oscar nominees and see the latest Moma exhibit on the weekend. Blair is happy to be home. It hadn’t taken long for things to feel routine, the rhythms of the city familiar to them, Blair happy to be back to work, Dan interviewing for a teaching job at NYU. 

While so many things are the same, there are differences too. Almost every Friday night they have dinner at the Archibald residence, Serena and Blair gossiping in the kitchen, Dan playing with Gracie in the living room. Blair loves to see how much Gracie loves her Uncle Dan, how his face lights up around her. They aren’t a big part of the Upper East Side social scene, staying in to watch movies, only going to the occasional fundraiser. Queen B has gone off the radar long-term, happily married and happier to stroll in Central Park instead of gossiping about the latest socialite to be caught up in some random scandal. 

Everything is good. Summer and the Hamptons feel like a lifetime away, Rome is a distant memory, and Blair is happy. Happier than she’s ever been. Until now. 

Shit.

“Blair?”

Dan’s voice is sounding a little irritated and Blair doesn’t blame him. The car is waiting, they have plans, and now she’s sitting in the bathroom and she can’t tell Dan why she’s suddenly frozen in place. He has no idea that everything has changed, or is about to change. He has no idea that they are suddenly standing at the edge of a cliff, staring down. 

“I’m almost ready,” Blair calls out as she reaches for her phone. She speed dials Serena’s number and her friend picks up immediately.

“S!” Blair hisses almost before Serena can say ‘hello’. “Are pregnancy tests ever wrong?”

“Oh my god, Blair!” Serena squeals and Blair moves the phone away from her ear to avoid the high pitched sound.

“Shhhhhh.” Blair whispers, hoping Nate didn’t hear Serena. “I’m just not sure, and there’s a second line there, but it’s faint, and I need to know. Are they ever wrong?”

“Oh B,” Serena says warmly. “No. Not when they’re positive. You’re pregnant.”

Blair’s heart drops.

It wasn’t like the movies or TV shows. She didn’t wake up one morning feeling sick to her stomach then have the brilliant idea that it might not be the sushi they’d eaten the night before. Blair had just felt uneasy, peakish, snapping at Dorota and Dan, and generally unsettled. It had taken her a few days of not being able to shake that feeling for it to occur to her that it might be more than a bad mood or the New York winter getting to her. She’d had this feeling before. She’d been pregnant before. Then this morning she’d woken up feeling queasy and green around the gills, and even though Blair had wanted to pretend it could be the sushi, or something else she ate, she knew it wasn’t. She’d snuck out to the botega on the corner and bought a single pregnancy test, shoved it in her bag, then headed back to the penthouse before Dan woke up. Then she’d kept it in her bag all day long, trying to pretend it wasn’t there, until now. 

“Are you happy?”

Serena’s voice jerks Blair back to reality, back to the fact that she’s perched on the toilet, hiding from her husband, confiding in her best friend, facing certain doom.

“Yeah...I, uh....”

In typical Serena fashion S fires her next question without noticing that Blair is hesitant, that her voice isn’t full of joy.

“What did Dan say? Is he totally excited? I mean, he’s going to be a dad!”

“He hasn’t said anything.”

Serena is silent for a moment, then she speaks again, her voice surprised. 

“What?”

Blair swallows then starts again. 

“He hasn’t said anything, because I haven’t told him.”

More silence.

“Blair,” Serena finally says somberly. “You haven’t told Dan? You told me before you told your husband?”

Blair feels like she might cry.

“Yes.”

“Why?”

Because I don’t know if I really want this.

Blair can’t say what’s running through her mind. She can’t tell Serena that it wasn’t joy she felt when she discovered she was pregnant, but fear. She can’t tell her that she isn’t sure how someone who was never mothered in the first place can be a mother to another human being. 

“I don’t know.” Blair says lamely. “I just...I just don’t know.”

“Blair Cordelia Waldorf.” Serena says curtly using her best Mother tone, and Blair imagines she’s standing there with the phone to her ear and her hands on her hips. “Tell your husband he’s going to be a father. Stop hiding in the bathroom and go tell him.”

Blair smiles. How did S. know she was hiding in the bathroom? She’s about to tell Serena that she’s going to hang up and tell Dan when Serena says one more thing.

“And Blair?”

“Yes?”

“You’re going to be a wonderful mother. Stop worrying so much.”

Blair half laughs and half sobs at Serena’s words. Serena knows that Blair is plagued by insecurity, she knows that discovering that she’s going to be responsible for making someone else into a decent person is a task far beyond anything Blair has ever done with her life so far. 

“Thank you,” Blair whispers. 

“Any time.” Serena answers. 

Blair hangs up the phone, stands up and straightens her skirt. She takes the pregnancy test and tosses it into the wastebasket. She looks in the mirror and smooths her hair into place, smacks her lips to get her lipstick even, then she opens the door and steps into their bedroom where Dan is waiting. 

“Hey,” he rumbles, grinning at her, “that took long enough.”

Dan folds her into his arms and Blair relaxes into his embrace, thinking that this is one place she’s always felt safe. He kisses the top of her head and Blair smiles. She should tell him right away, but part of her holds back. She wants to find the moment that is perfect, and this isn’t it. 

They head to Chelsea, to the art opening, Blair leaning her head on Dan’s shoulder, his hand idly rubbing her knee. 

“You’re quiet tonight.” Dan says softly. Blair looks up at him and the look in his eyes has a way of washing away all her worries. She always amazed how Dan makes it feel like nothing matters but the two of them. Suddenly she feels like maybe this is going to be okay. Maybe she can take care of the tiny ball of cells multiplying in her belly, forming arms and legs, eyes, ears, becoming a little human being.

She should tell him. Whisper that she’s quiet because something significant has happened, something that is going to shift their entire world into a different course. They will no longer be the head of an international fashion empire and a successful writer. Those will be their day jobs. They will be parents and everything else will become secondary. Blair knows she is standing at the edge of something entirely different, entirely new, and as much as she doesn’t want to stand there alone, she’s not sure how to find the words. 

Shouldn’t this be a special moment? Doesn’t it require a special meal, candlelight, and then that moment when Blair takes Dan’s hand in hers and asks him if he’s ready for the adventure of a lifetime, because they’re about to embark on it, ready or not. Shouldn’t it be somewhere besides the back of a town car? 

Blair takes a deep breath. No matter how scared and reluctant she feels, she also knows that it’s time, because with something this big, there’s no time like the present. 

“I have a lot on my mind.” Blair answers back, watching Dan’s brow knit and a quizzical look passes over his face followed by a hint of worry. It’s still there. Rome, separation, that nagging fear that this is all going to fall apart any moment, and Blair wishes there was a way she could erase all of that, make it dissipate into thin air, but instead it hangs over them and it will be a long time before it doesn’t tinge almost everything. For a moment Blair is sad for how much they’ve lost. 

She takes his hands in hers and holds them tightly, interlacing their fingers. Blair looks down at them, his hands big, hers small, fitting together perfectly. She looks back up and finds that his face has grown serious, as if he knows the gravity of this moment. 

“What is it Blair?”

She takes another deep breath, tries to slow her rapidly beating heart, and it should feel this hard, but it does. Blair knows this moment is a big deal. 

“I love you Dan.” she starts. He nods and squeezes her hands a little. “and I love our life together. It’s perfect.”

“It is.”

Never in a million years would she have expected to have this life. She has a job she loves. She has the man she’s loved forever. They have good friends, a beautiful place to live. It truly is perfect.

“I hope what I’m going to tell you will just add more to our lives, because...”

He knows before she tells him. She sees his eyes grow wide and his mouth starts to spread into a smile as she blurts out the words that she’s dreaded having to say to him for the last few hours.

“I’m pregnant.”

In one smooth movement she is in Dan’s arms and his face is buried in her hair and he is laughing and holding onto her tightly. 

“Oh my goodness, Blair...”

Blair smiles.

“I’m going to be a dad!”

She feels laughter start to bubble up inside her and finally the happiness that should have been there all along starts to spread, from her heart out to her fingertips, and the fear is pushed aside as joy shines through its dark clouds. 

“Yes!” she whispers in his ear. “We’re having a baby.”


	23. Pickles and Ice Cream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan is a very funny husband sometimes. Blair doesn't know if she'll ever not be afraid. Complications arise.

Dan plunks a jar down on the table in front of where Blair is sitting. It clanks on the wood, and Blair doesn’t bother to look up from the book she’s been reading until she hears him clear his throat with a loud ‘ahem’. When she does lower her book she sees a clear glass jar with a green lid covered in checked red and white gingham, tied with some brown twine, and floating in the jar, bright green, lumpy and bumpy are...pickles. 

“Just in case.” Dan says, smiling. Blair rolls her eyes and goes back to reading her book. Dan leaves the room, taking his pickles with him, miffed that his attempt to harass her has been thwarted.

A half hour later Blair has found that she can’t read more than a sentence or two without losing her train of thought and she wonders if this baby is sucking her brain away. Dan walks back into the room and Blair makes a concerted effort to ignore him. This time when he plunks something down on table it makes a softish thud. Blair refuses to lower her book.

“You might want to look.” Dan says, his voice tinged with laughter.

“What, and participate in your insanity as you subject me to every pregnancy stereotype on the planet?”

“I just want to be prepared. You know, just in case. Late night craving or something. Anyway, it’s going to melt.”

Blair rolls her eyes again. He didn’t...did he? She lowers her book and looks at what Dan has placed on the table. 

Ice cream. To be exact, a hand packed pint of her favorite chocolate from the gelateria around the corner. Pickles and ice cream. 

“Are you trying to win the husband of the year award?” Blair asks, smiling, no longer able to keep up the facade of mock disapproval. 

“Is there actually any competition out there? Can I enter or do I need you to nominate me?” Dan asks, still smiling, walking over to stand next to her chair, leaning over to place a kiss on her head. Blair looks up at her husband and she’s struck again by how much she loves this man. Her hand goes to her belly as she thinks about how amazing it is that their love is growing inside her. Her thoughts shift suddenly, and she realizes that it’s not ice cream she wants, or pickles. 

“Tacos!” Blair exclaims.

“What?”

“Tacos! Remember that place you took me in Laguna Beach, that little truck that had the best tacos. God, what I would do for one right now. Do you think they have something like that in the city, some truck that sells those tacos with the onion and cilantro, and that salsa. Oh, the salsa. It was so good.”

Dan laughs. Blair fights back the feeling of annoyance because she’s not kidding. She wants tacos. She has to have tacos. 

“I’m on the case.” Dan says, winking. “If my pregnant wife wants tacos, well, I’ll find her tacos.”

Blair looks at him, just studies his face, and then her face grows serious. His eyes search hers, and she can see the question there, forever wondering if she’s okay, forever worrying that she’s not. 

“I love you, Dan Humphrey.”

Since the night she told him she was pregnant Dan has been steadfast, doing everything he can to help her feel safe and secure, telling her that he knows she can do this, that they can do it together. She still has the nightmares now and then, the fear still creeps up on her sometimes and she’s still not sure this, having a child, is something that she really can do, but Dan tells her differently. When she’s feeling weak and scared, she looks at him and he’s there telling her that she’s worth something, that she can do this. 

She can do this. 

“I love you too, Blair Cordelia Waldorf-Humphrey.”

Blair smiles at the use of her full name. Dan continues. 

“I love that you are carrying our child, and I hope she or he is just like you.”

Blair wants to say something back, to tell him that the most truly wonderful thing would be for their child to be just like him, a head of curly brown hair and soulful eyes, a heart that never stops loving, but suddenly her stomach twists and Blair closes her eyes and a wave of nausea washes over her. 

“Sorry,” she gasps, springing from her chair, pushing Dan out of the way as she runs toward the bathroom. Tacos don’t sound good anymore as her gut heaves and Blair wonders when this part will be over. She’s not feeling as sick as she was a few weeks ago but now it’s surprising her, sneaking up on her when she least expects it, and suddenly, in the middle of a meeting or while gazing at a painting in a museum, her stomach betrays her and she ends up excusing herself and finding a bathroom quickly. 

The weeks pass by, sometimes slowly, other times quickly. Blair is busy at work with meetings and finishing the headquarters move to New York. Dan is putting together the curriculum for his first class at NYU. The city starts to melt, snow dripping, the sun staying out longer, small purple crocuses pushing themselves up out of the ground in a determined manner, the inevitable march towards Spring. 

Dorota knits at least one hundred and one pairs of baby booties, in all different colors, from cotton candy pink to chartreuse, and regularly berates Dad and Blair for not finding out the sex, glaring at them as she dishes out bacon and scrambled eggs, threatening to make sixteen varieties of Polish goulash until they relent. 

The Blair of the past would have found out the sex and decorated the nursery in an appropriate them, then invited the New York Times home & garden section to feature it, posing with her arms wrapped protectively around her middle in a rocking chair imported from Italy, forever Queen B of the Upper East Side. The Blair of the past would have filled a wardrobe full of tiny clothes and found the most expensive stroller and started researching the best preschools, and planned for her baby to learn Mandarin so she or he could one day grow up to dominate the business world. The Blair of the past would have plans and schemes for this baby. 

The Blair of now doesn’t care about those kinds of trappings. All she wants is to keep the fear that lurks in the back of her mind at bay, to ignore that little voice of doubt that refuses to go away. She buys some clothes, orders a crib, finds a rocking chair that is stylish and comfortable, but she does all this knowing that the most important part isn’t having a nice room, but having a mother and father, two people who will hold you and love you, what Blair feels she never really had. She buys blankets and stuffed animals, reads books about baby care, knowing that they are details that are lost in the big picture. Then she curls next to Dan, his hand on her belly, and he smiles when the baby kicks, and she gazes up at him and tells him that this baby is so lucky because she or he will have the most amazing father in the entire world. What she doesn’t tell him is that she knows she can do this because of the way he looks at her, the way his eyes gaze at her with unwavering belief in all she is. 

The days tick by. Dorota makes her smoothies, salads, healthy things. Blair’s back starts to sway, she can’t wear heels to work anymore. Dan laughs at her and tells her that she’s waddling like a duck. Blair tells him that he’s going to lose sex privileges for a couple days after that one. She gives in within a matter of hours and they end up tangled together under the duvet of their bed, Dan flicking his tongue across her extra-sensitive nipples, Blair cursing him for being irresistible. 

Blair sits on the balcony one morning, a cup of herbal tea steaming in one hand the other resting on her burgeoning belly, and she feels the baby roll and kick, and she smiles. She has a heavy wool sweater wrapped around her shoulders and although the air is cold, there is sunshine across her lap and she feels warm and cocooned and happy. Three more months. Three more months and everything will shift, everything will change. 

They have the hospital picked out. Dan packed a bag even though Blair made fun of him, telling him that being so prepared is going to guarantee the baby stays in longer. 

Dan walks up to where Blair is sitting and squats down next to her. He puts his hand out and rests it on her belly. They are quiet for a few minutes, the sounds of cars on the street drifting up between buildings, a bird chirping in the distance, and Blair smiles because the baby has a funny game of playing possum when papa is around. 

“How’s our little pickled beet today?”

Dan has a different nickname for the baby every week. Last week was something about potatoes. This week, beets. Blair swats at him playfully. 

“You’re ridiculous, Humphrey. Why are we cycling through all the produce? Surely with all your literary talent you can come up with something more clever.”

Dan smiles. 

“I like beets.”

Blair sips at her tea. She glances over at her husband and smiles. He is staring at her belly and suddenly it twitches and rolls and he jumps a little and looks at her with a big grin.

“There he is.”

“He?”

“Maybe. A boy would be nice.”

A boy with deep brown eyes and curly hair and a romantic disposition, a dreamer and a poet. Blair thinks a boy wouldn't be so bad.

“Maybe she is a girl.” Blair counters. 

“A girl would be nice too.” Dan answers. Blair imagines dresses and hair ribbons, a tiny Princess B, and suddenly the fear is there again as she remembers how hard it was to survive the Upper East Side, with all the girls trying to one-up each other, Blair never thin enough, never good enough, or at least not good enough until she had found a bathroom and hurled the contents of her stomach into the toilet, and only then did she feel good enough because at least there was one thing she could actually control in her life. 

Blair feels dumbstruck, numb, and she glances away from Dan, out over the city that is bathed in the early morning light. She feels his hand grip hers and squeeze, warm and reassuring, and she turns her face back to him, tears in her eyes.

“It’s going to be okay.” Dan says quietly. “We’ll make it okay.”

He never questions her sadness. He lets her have her tears, rides the wave of her fears, just holds her and tells her that nothing matters but them, and they are back to right here, right now. He is her rock, and she tells him this in the middle of the night when she’s sure they’ve made a huge mistake and there’s nothing to stop it, when the baby inside her feels less like joy and more like retribution, when she stares into the mirror and sees all the hurt she carries and wonders how she will protect her child from her own pain. 

“Why can’t I just be happy?” Blair asks Dan as she stares at him with tears brimming in her eyes. Dan sighs and leans forward, kissing her softly on the lips.

“Because you are someone who is intuitive, sensitive, and you understand that what we’re doing is bigger than anything else we’ve done with our lives. You know it’s more than accessories and mommy wars. You know it’s about raising good and decent human beings. You know it’s a big deal. Do you know what?”

Blair licks her lips. 

“What?” she asks.

“This is one thing I’ve always loved about you. Your intuition. Your way of understanding things at a deep level. You see the complexities of things.”

Blair nods. Dan takes a breath and then continues.

“I also know that it’s not an easy place to live.”

Blair nods. It’s not. Sometimes she wishes she had what Serena had, this uncanny ability to just be happy, to turn everything into gold. 

“I love you, Dan Humphrey.” Blair sighs as she feels the fear slip away, recede back into the corners of her mind, still there, but smaller, weaker. “What would I do without you?”

“Let’s never find out.”

Dan stands up from where he’s been squatting and he extends a hand. Blair takes it and allows him to take her weight, to pull her up to a stand, and just as she’s about to wrap her arms around him, about to allow herself to rest against him, bury her face in his chest, feel the muscles of his back under her fingertips, and maybe she’ll tilt her head up and he’ll dip down and kiss her, and perhaps they’ll skip breakfast and go back to bed. Just at that moment when her thoughts shift to how good her life is and how happy she is, she feels something else ripping through her.

Pain.

Blair gasps. Her hands fly to her belly, clutching at it, her knees buckle and Dan’s arms come out to catch her as she drops toward the floor. The pain shoots through her again, and she feels the muscles of her belly tighten and she feels something wet down her leg, and all she can think is that this isn’t supposed to be happening, that it’s too soon. Her head is spinning and the floor feels unsteady and someone is screaming far away, the Blair realizes that the voice she’s hearing in the distance is her own, saying over and over again,

no

no no no no no


	24. Dejavu

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> they find out the gender of the baby but not in a way they wanted

Blair’s mind is back in the back of that town car that she’d almost forgotten about, it was so long ago. She can hear the metal crunching around her, the squeal of tires all over again, and all she can think is ‘not again.’

She’s lost one baby. She can’t lose another. Not this one.

She doesn’t know that she’s said anything out loud until she realizes that Dan is gripping her hands tightly and she hears his voice, sounding far away.

“We don’t know anything yet, Blair. We don’t know that it’s going to be like before. Hang in there my love.”

Blair looks at him and his face is a mask of fear carefully hidden behind a small smile, his eyes are worried and Blair wants to reach out, to stroke his face, to tell him it’s going to be okay even though she’s not really sure she believes it, but she wants Dan to believe it, wants to spare him the pain she knows too well. 

The pain shoots through her abdomen again and Dan lowers Blair to the ground, smooths her hair back from her forehead, an intimate gesture strangely out of place because in the next second the balcony explodes with action. Dan is standing up, yelling for Dorota and Dorota is rushing towards them asking if she should call the car around and Dan is telling her that they should just call 911, and Blair is lying on her side, curled up and crying. 

Not this one. Not our baby. 

She’s made deals with God before; stupid, immature deals for things like getting a good grade on a test, getting into Yale, keeping Chuck Bass alive. She’s promised devotion, piousness, chastity, all in exchange for getting what she wants. This time she promises nothing. She just asks, silently pleading whatever God or Gods will listen, to let this baby live. 

She’s lying on the cold ground, cradling her belly with one arm, and someone is kneeling next to her, a gentle voice in her ear, a hand pulling her arm up and wrapping a plastic cuff around it. The voice asks her questions. 

“What is your name?”

“Blair Waldorf Humphrey.”

“Do you know where you are?”

“At home.”

“What is the year.”

“2027.”

“Who is the president.”

“Can you please just save my baby?”

Blair hears Dan’s voice in the background, a low, desperate hum, and he’s answering questions. 

twenty six weeks so far totally normal not her first pregnancy can you please just take her to the hospital

She feels heavy-lidded, half awake, staring at the room as it swims around her, seeing Dan standing on the other side, Dorota with her arm on his, then something hard is being slid under her and she’s being lifted onto a stretcher, belts wrapped around her lap and chest, and suddenly everything that had been moving so slowly speeds up and she’s being rushed out of the penthouse, into the elevator, and Blair looks around, trying to find him, trying to see his face, knowing that seeing him will help her feel like everything is going to be fine, that she’s not cursed, that the universe doesn’t want to keep her from having a child, that this is just a blip, a detour, and that their baby will be okay. 

Dan. 

They load her into the back of the ambulance and someone is starting an IV in her arm, and it hurts, hanging up a bag of fluids, and someone else says her pressure is low, her pulse is high, and that she’s still bleeding, and Blair feels woozy, strange, the ambulance is swaying so she closes her eyes, trying to squeeze out the queasy feeling, and then she finally slips away into the darkness, falling back into its arms and the last thing she manages to say is her husband’s name, barely a whisper through dry, cracked lips. 

Dan.

She will find out later that Dan was behind the ambulance the entire way, that he ran into the emergency room and refused to leave her side as they pumped her full of fluids, tried to stop the bleeding. But right now she’s lost in the darkness, lost in time. 

She’s back on that hospital bed, waking up with bright lights blinking above her, squinting to shield out their glare, and she remembers the crunch of metal, the screech of tires, Chuck calling out her name and she had tried to hold onto him, tried to grip his hand but his fingers slipped through hers and it wasn’t the first time she’d lost Chuck in one way or another. 

Her body aches all over and when Blair tries to move, tries to get up, determined to walk out into the hallway, to demand to know what is going on, pain shoots through her back, her legs and she winces, squeezing her eyes shut as tears spring up, her teeth clench and she moans. 

Someone comes into the room. She is wearing blue scrubs and leaning over Blair with a look of concern. She asks her name and Blair manages to mumble tell her that her name is Blair Waldorf, and she would tell her a lot of other things, like that she needs to get out of here right now, but the pain is so bad she can barely speak. 

“You’ve been in a car crash,” the woman says. “You broke some bones. You lost some blood. Do you understand what I’m telling you?”

Blair swallows, nods and moving her head hurts. She winces again.

“We’re giving you morphine.” the woman says, showing her a syringe. She does something with the IV line and Blair starts to feel fuzziness creep up on her and she closes her eyes and the blackness starts to envelop her. Her mind is racing as she sinks into the bed and just before she lets the meds take over she has a realization. 

The baby. What about the baby.

She tries to open her eyes, tries to jerk up and ask the woman about the baby. Is the baby okay, but Blair can’t move. 

The next time she wakes up it’s the first thing she asks. 

“The baby. What about my baby?” Blair manages to whisper between parched lips. It’s a different woman at the bedside. 

“The doctor should probably talk to you...”

Blair knows. The baby. Her baby. It’s gone. 

Serena is by her bedside when the doctor tells Blair what she already knows. Her friend grips her hand and Blair barely feels it. She is cold. Then she asks about Chuck. 

...lost a lot of blood...

The rest is history. Her pact with God, her inability to break away from Chuck Bass, the endless string of mistakes in the name of epic love highlighted by near death and tragedy. Blair can’t even remember much about that time all these years later, but there is one thing she can remember, one night in the hospital. 

It’s dark outside and Blair feels empty. The pain is better and the medication gives her strange dreams, where she and Chuck and married and happy and she goes to find her baby and she’s never there. Blair ends up running from room to room, in circles, until she wakes up screaming and her hand goes to her belly as if to protect what is no longer there, and that’s when the other kind of pain starts, the ache in her heart that feels like it will never go away. 

She’s alone in the darkness. Chuck is dying. Serena has gone home. No one can help her. Blair lets the tears flow down her cheeks, doesn’t bother to wipe them, just lies there and lets the sadness wash over her. 

There is a tap-tapping on the door and Blair’s head jerks around to look at the door, half expecting an aid to walk in with a pitcher of water or a nurse to give her some more medications. Instead she sees him, poking his head around the door, his face in the shadows.

Dan.

“Blair?” he whispers. She smiles. The first smile she’s had since the accident. Her friend, her confidant, and all of the sudden all she wants is to be curled next to him on his couch in the loft, to have his arm around her shoulder, to feel safe. Everything else feels incredibly unsafe. 

Everyone else expects things from her. Serena looks at her with sad eyes. Her mom can’t hide her worry. Nate can’t find the right words and talks about anything but the accident and the baby and Chuck. They mean well, the want her to feel better, but Blair feels like she’s putting on a show, pretending that everything is okay. But now, Dan is here, with his eyes full of empathy, and he’s sitting by her bed and holding her hand, gazing into her eyes, and he doesn’t expect anything from her. 

“I don’t know what to say.” He tells her. 

“No one seems to,” Blair responds. There is a distinct lack of words around her, no one wants to look at her. She is surrounded by people but all alone. 

“I’m sorry.”

Blair feels the tears again. The ones she doesn’t let go around others people. Not since the doctor told her she’d lost the baby. She puts on a strong face, refuses to be anything but strong, but inside she’s withering away. 

“I’m sorry too.” Blair whispers. His hand squeezes hers tighter and Blair feels grounded by his touch. “I wanted this baby.”

“I know.”

“Oh Dan, what will I do?” Blair chokes back a sob. “Everything is so messed up. I was going to finally be with Chuck, finally have what I’d always wanted, and now there is no baby and Louis is still there, and I’m so afraid.”

Blair doesn’t see Dan wince in the dim light of the room. 

“I don’t know, Blair.” he says quietly. He would tell her later, years and years later, that his heart had been breaking for her, that all he wanted to do was take her into his arms and make it all better, that it had taken all of his will to not kiss her hand and smooth her brow, all things a friend doesn’t do. He would tell her that he’d let her go, taken her to Chuck and it had ended up badly and he always wondered if he hadn’t done all that, would she have a baby now, still be a princess. Would she have a different life. They would never know. 

“But I still have you.” Blair says quietly. Dan is still there. Dan is still Dan. Steadfast, unwavering. 

“I wouldn’t be anywhere else.” Dan whispers back. 

She is tired and there’s nothing left to say, so they stay like that, Blair looking away from him, staring out the window, lost in her thoughts. Dan watching her, holding her hand, until Blair’s eyelids drift downward and she falls asleep. He never tells her how long he stayed. He never tells her that it took all his strength to release her hand and walk out of that room. He never tells her that his heart broke for her that night. 

Fifteen years later another baby is on the line. Fifteen years later Dan Humphrey spends another night in the hospital holding Blair’s hand, his heart breaking for her once again, as well as for himself. 

lost a lot of blood tube to help her breath decelerations transfusion four units we think we have her stabilized we’ll see after we get through this night

Blair hears the beeps and hisses first, the bells ringing in the distance. She thinks it’s the alarm at first, calling to her that it’s time to get up for another day of meetings and planning and she wants to find it, make it stop, because she wants to sleep, just wants to sleep. The noises won’t stop and slowly Blair’s eyes flutter open and she sees bright lights above her and she squints to shield out the glare, and then she remembers. Pain in her belly, the coldness of the balcony as she lay on her side, the sound of the ambulance siren, the bumpy ride, and panic grips her. She tries to sit up but she can’t and suddenly there are hands on her and someone is saying that she’s waking up and she feels someone else grip her hand and she opens her eyes to see...

Dan.

“Blair.” he says, eyes wide. “Oh, Blair.”

He is kissing her hand and her cheek and she can tell he’s been crying. He’s saying her name over and over, laughing. 

Blair Blair Blair

She tries to smile but then she remembers. The baby. She struggles to sit up again, pushing at the arms that come to keep her in bed, and she tries to speak, moves her lips and finally the words come out, a hoarse whisper.

“The baby.”

“She’s okay. The baby’s okay.”

“She?” Blair asks.

Dan smiles and squeezes her hand again. 

“Our little girl is okay.”


	25. Ticking Away the Days, Weeks, Month

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> waiting for baby to arrive

Blair goes home. 

It takes a few days before they’ll discharge her, and even then the doctors don’t want her to go. They want to watch her for more bleeding, want to monitor the baby. In the end she convinces them by hiring a full-time OBGYN nurse, an on-call doctor and renting equipment so the baby can be monitored several times a day. 

Dan can’t stop staring at her. She catches him at the oddest moments, glancing up to find him studying her, his eyes taking in her every feature.

“I’m still here,” Blair says, smiling. 

“I know,” Dan sighs, looking a little sheepish. “It was just too close. It’s going to take me a little while to recover from almost losing you and our baby.”

He never leaves, sleeping in a chair next to her bed, only stepping out to freshen up, get a snack from the machine down the hall, laughing about a steady diet of corn chips and canned tuna salad. When Dorota shows up with a basket full of food, Blair watches as Dan devours it and she wonders if she’ll ever really understand the toll this has taken on him. 

Dan holds her hand every night as she falls asleep, his other resting on her belly, feeling the baby roll back and forth. The room quiet except for the beeping of the monitor, the quiet whir of the air conditioning, some voices down the hallway speaking in hushed tones, and Blair lets her eyes drift closed and gives herself over to the stillness of sleep. He’s there when she wakes up, brushing a strand of hair off her brow, her hand still in his. 

When they finally arrive home after the doctors have checked her out, after she’s been instructed about bed rest and all her precautions, Blair is greeted by the foyer filled with flowers, Serena with her signature smile, Grace babbling in her arms and twisting to be let down so she can run around, and Dorota bearing a plate full of her favorite foods. One of the downstairs guest rooms have been converted into what Dan calls her convalescent cave, a comfortable bed, an entertainment center, the monitor that she’ll strap around her belly three times a day to see how their baby girl is faring. 

The nurse is there as well. Her name is Andrea and she is all business, listening to the baby’s heartbeat, telling Blair what to expect next. They’ll have her during the day and another nurse at night until the baby is born, someone around at all times in case something goes wrong. 

Nine weeks to go. It sounds better to say nine weeks instead of two months. 

Her mom calls, her voice crackling over the distance, telling Blair that she and Cyrus have been worried and they’re so glad she’s home and okay. 

Natasha stops by, and Blair is happy that her assistant took her up on her offer to move to New York City. She tells her that the people in the office are worried about her, updates Blair on the low-cost Waldorf Designs line that’s about to be released to mid-range department stores, says that the V.P. has everything running smoothly. 

Finally the whirlwind of phone calls and visitors ends and Dorota stops in to tell Blair goodnight. 

“I feel like I’m getting a granddaughter.” Dorota confesses. “You will always be my first child in so many ways, Miss Blair.”

There are tears in Dorota’s eyes and Blair almost apologizes for making her worried. Dorota sits on the edge of the bed, holding Blair’s hands in hers. Blair is struck by how priceless and invaluable her maid is to her. She’d be nowhere in this world without her strong, supportive presence. 

“You should be her godmother.” Blair says suddenly. 

“No, Miss Serena.”

Blair won’t be swayed. Dorota should have a role to play in this child’s life. Godmother seems appropriate since she’s always been Blair’s fairy godmother, making things right, kissing scraped knees, always knowing what to say. She would not take ‘no’ for an answer. 

Dorota has tears in her eyes as she hugs Blair tightly.

“Sleep well, Miss Blair.”

Then she’s gone and Dan and Blair are finally left alone. Well, not entirely. The night nurse has just arrived and is sitting quietly in her room. Other than that, the penthouse is deserted. Blair scoots over and Dan climbs onto the bed, sitting next to her, his legs stretched out, his back leaning on the headboard. 

“Welcome home, Mrs. Waldorf-Humphrey.” He leans toward her and touches his lips to hers and the absolute sweetness of it tangles Blair’s inside as well as sends sparks shooting up her spine, and now that there is no one to interrupt them and they’re in their own home Blair is gripped with a primal desire to connect with her husband on a physical level that almost knocks the breath out of her. She deepens the kiss and Dan groans against her mouth, his hand caressing her arm, doing nothing to slake her sudden thirst for him. He breaks away from the kiss but doesn’t move his face away from hers and Blair knows if she just leans forward a little she can have his lips on hers again. 

“We can’t,” he pants. “The doctor...”

Blair wants to say something very thirteen, like ‘doctor schmocter’ but she knows Dan is right. There were words thrown at her, like bedrest, premature labor, and part of agreeing to go home was agreeing to follow the rules. The rules included no sex. 

“Just because I can’t,” Blair says mischievously, “doesn’t mean you can’t.”

Dan’s eyes widen at her words.

“Are you suggesting...”

Blair nods. 

“Just imagine that you’re fucking me. I especially like being on top, and I love to see how turned on I make you. It makes me really wet.”

She licks her lips. Dan gasps her name. 

“My love, my Blair.”

He wriggles out of his pants and his hand is on his dick, and Blair rolls onto her side facing him, still talking, telling him how dirty and sexy he is, what she wants him to do to her, and she watches him as his face grows tense, his eyes close and then he is arching, pushing into the bed, grunting as he comes. 

She’s annoyingly turned on.

Dan rolls to face her and smiles that same lopsided sleepy grin he always does after sex. He reaches out and smoothes her brow.

“Thank you.” he says quietly.

“You’re welcome,” Blair says, “but now I’m kind of stuck.” She’s tingly and throbbing and wants that same release, and Dan looks at her with empathy. 

“I’d suggest a cold shower, but that would be violating your terms of confinement.” 

“Well, you pulling your pants up is a start. And put on something decent, with lots of coverage. I can’t handle all the skin you’re flaunting.”

Dan laughs. It’s going to be a long nine weeks without any of the joys of pregnancy sex. Blair sighs. At least he’s happy, even if she’s not. 

They decide to watch something decidedly unsexy and find a bad reality TV show. The nurse comes in and puts the monitoring belt on Blair’s belly, watches the strip for a few minutes then tells her that the baby looks fine. Then she’s gone and Blair leans her head on Dan’s shoulder and falls asleep with the TV on. 

The days go by, Blair in bed, Dorota clucking her disapproval of the new hired help, Dan refusing to leave her side. One day he actually drags the bed into his study so he can work and Blair can read next to him. He’s working on a new novel, resurrecting Claire Carlyle and Dylan Hunter one last time. He tells Blair that their final chapter hasn’t been told, that he can’t just leave it at Outside. She shrugs. It’s his craft, his world that he’s created. It’s their story and she understand not wanting to leave it at the angry diatribe that was Outside. Not after all they’ve been through, not after all the joy and love they’ve found all these years later. She reads her latest novel and Dan’s fingers fly across the keyboard of his laptop, and she tells him that she’s glad she could come to work with him today. 

Their anniversary arrives and Dan orders dinner from their favorite restaurant and lights candles all around the bedroom. When they are done eating and Dan has cleared the dishes, he sits on the bed with her, holding her hands in his. 

“I can’t believe we’re married.” Dan says as he gazes into her eyes. “You don’t know how long I dreamed about this. I thought it wasn’t possible and here we are.”

Blair should feel happy but his words make her feel a deep sadness. Dan has always loved her, never stopped, never been confused. He has lived with the pain losing her for too long. She wants to take him into her arms, to kiss him, to touch him and make him gasp, to help him forget that time. But she can’t, she can’t make love to her husband on their anniversary. 

“I love you,” Blair says, trying to put everything into those words, trying to take away that time. They get ready for bed and Blair holds Dan in her arms, smoothing the curls of his increasing unruly hair, stroking the bridge of his nose, until she sees his eyes slip shut and her hands soothe him into sleep.

Day become weeks. The weather warms up, sunshine streaming in the window and Blair would give anything for a walk in the park, feel the heat of the sun on her face, the smell of warm asphalt and dirt that always makes her think of summer in New York. She mentions this one night as she lies in Dan’s arms, longs for her freedom. Then one day Dan breaks all the rules and shows up next to her bed with a contraband wheelchair. 

“If you feel anything strange, even something small.” he says, mock lecturing her in a way that tells Blair he’s actually entirely serious. She nods, staring at the chair, at her ticket to a few moments of fresh air, green grass, children running and laughing, the real world! They only spend an hour out, Dan pushing her in silence, Blair thinking that everything looks muted and beautiful in the sunlight. Then they return to the penthouse, to her tower prison, and the gatekeepers, Andrea and Dorota who have found common ground in scolding their two charges, are standing in the foyer looking not impressed. Dorota lectures her as Andrea straps on the monitor, and the baby’s heartbeat springs up, a quick, steady thumpity thump, and Blair looks at both of them triumphantly. She escaped and nothing went wrong. 

Dorota brings Andrea cookies the next day and Blair knows she now faces a united front. 

Weeks turn into a month and nine weeks is halfway over. 

Serena comes over every few days, arms full of parenting magazines and baby books, Grace toddling by her side. Blair accepts happy hugs and kisses from her goddaughter, and spends many afternoons with Serena curled at the end of her bed, engrossed in some article, telling her about her latest writing gig, and it feels like the old days when they were best friends having slumber parties and giggling about boys. They’d already become friends again, but now they rediscover being best friends, and Blair often puts her magazine down and looks at Serena, with all her careless golden beauty that covers up all her pain and scars, and tells her friend that she loves her and she is so happy life has brought them back together. 

Waldorf Designs survives not having her at its head. She keeps up on email and her trusted VP has everything in control. Natasha calls every few days and employee and employer start to slip towards being friends. Blair finds she likes being away from the pressure of her successful woman lifestyle, and realizes that being on bedrest may have been good because it has forced her to slow down. 

When Blair reaches 37 weeks, and she’s been cooped up for over two months. The doctor checks her out and tells her that everything looks good. Their baby girl now can arrive whenever she wants. The doctor officially takes her off bedrest and Blair enjoys the simple pleasure of walking around her own house. 

Serena surprises her with a demure baby shower. There is cake and sparkling cranberry juice, and Eleanore flies in for the event. Dorota makes a beautiful cake and Serena invites Blair’s assistant, Natasha, and even Andrea peeks her head in to say hello and ends up sitting with a piece of cake. There are a few presents and one silly game, and Blair is happy because her friend has done something to make a time that’s so abnormal feel very normal. 

That night she curls up next to Dan, lying on her side, her knees pulled up protectively around her abdomen. She is huge, her belly pushing up her lungs, she can’t breathe, she has heartburn and she feels decidedly unattractive. Still, as she tilts her head up to look at her husband, to gaze into his eyes, the way he looks at her makes her feel like the most beautiful woman in the entire world.

“We’re almost there, Waldorf.” he says, stroking her hair. Blair smiles at how he still uses her maiden name and remembers all the times they bantered and snarked at each other. With time and perspective, she realizes that she and Dan were engaging in verbal foreplay long before they even realized they liked each other as more than friends. 

“Almost.” she says. A near miscarriage, almost bleeding to death, and here they are, about to become parents. 

Dorota comes in and helps Blair get ready for bed. Dan climbs in next to her wearing his same ratty old t-shirt and boxer shorts, his usual nightly attire, and Blair rolls into his arms, enjoying the feel of him holding her, relaxing into his embrace. She tilts her head up and kisses him, at first a sweetly, perfunctory, brief, but then something takes hold of her, a heat deep inside, and she kisses him again, lingering, hungry and she feels Dan startle. He knows what she wants. 

“Blair?” he asks, voice concerned. She smiles at him.

“No more bed rest.” she says playfully. “Our baby can come at any time, and you know what starts labor?”

She kisses him again, this time slipping her tongue across his, and it feels so good to kiss her husband knowing that this is just the beginning. It’s been too long since they fucked. The heat keeps building, fast and furious, and he’s kissing her back now, devouring her. It’s the most delicious, amazing feeling, and it reminds Blair of the first time they made love, Blair pinned against the kitchen counter, so hungry for him because they’d been waiting, Dan’s hands everywhere on her skin. 

He eases off her pajamas, Blair arching her back to help him as much as she can, her body heavy and clumsy feeling. She laughs a little at her own awkwardness. Then she is naked, her pregnant body on display, and Dan is looking at her with new eyes, drinking in her voluptuousness, her darkened nipples, her burgeoning belly. She can tell that he wants her, and Blair manages to arch her back up, moans a little because just his gaze is making the heat build even more. 

She turns on her side, not able to lie on her back without feeling short of breath and a little dizzy. Dan slides next to her and he is stroking her arms, her belly, finding her breasts, kissing her neck, her jaw, finally back to her mouth and Blair moans again because she wants him. She begs, hissing his name, telling him to fuck her, and finally Dan pulls off his t-shirt and boxers then helps her climb on top of him, her legs straddling her hips, his hands holding her up as she slide down onto him, and as he starts to move, Blair’s eyes close in complete and utter ecstasy. Finally after weeks of chaste kisses she can make love to her husband. 

She bursts apart, shuddering, not sure how she is able to stay upright, feeling Dan’s arms holding her steady as she gasps and jerks, and it feels so good. He follows her and she watches him through heavy lidded eyes, watches him throw back his head and utter her name through clenched teeth. Blair rolls of him and settles into the bed feeling entirely made of liquid, not able to move. She curls into Dan’s side, her hand slung over his belly, his hand stroking her shoulder in a soothing, rhythm, and slowly her eyes flutter shut. She is happy. So happy. Ever since Dan came back into her life, Blair has been happy more often than not.

She’s having a nice dream when Blair is jerked awake by a strange sensation, a tightness across her stomach, and her muscles clench. The sensation takes her breath away and Blair’s hands fly to her belly, then her muscles loosen a little. She starts to roll over to poke Dan with a nicely manicured finger when they tighten again and this time Blair lets out a moan. 

Contractions. 

Another one hits her and this time she manages to say Dan’s name. He lifts his head from where he’s been softly snoring away and looks at her with bleary eyes.

“Blair?”

“Um...”

“Honey, are you okay?”

“Well...” another contraction hits her and she can’t finish what she’s trying to tell Dan. She moans again.

“Blair!” 

His voice is becoming concerned. Blair smiles because what’s happening isn’t scary, it’s beautiful. It’s time. Their baby is coming, but she can’t manage to tell Dan everything that’s running through her mind because another contraction hits her. The only thing she can manage to spit out is, 

“Um, I think I’m in labor.”


	26. The Birth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan and Blair become new parents. Blair loves Dorota. Dan confesses a small secret that means everything.

The birth is fast and the doctor barely makes it before Blair is screaming that she wants to push as Dan grips her hand. Everything is a blur but the world snaps into focus when Blair hears the cry, a screaming breath announcing the entrance of an entirely new person into this world. The baby is red and loud, a head of thick dark hair, face scrunched up, screaming and Blair puts her to her chest and whispers into her wet hair and feels her sigh against her skin, holding her tight. She is tired and shaking and covered with sweat, and for a moment she worries that her arms aren’t strong enough to keep hold of the infant in her arms. People are buzzing around her, a whirl of motion, and she hears words tossed back and forth.

pinked up apgar looks good mom’s doing well

Blair doesn’t care what any of it means. She takes a deep breath, inhales the scent of the tiny wrinkled being resting on her chest and in that moment she understands everything. She understands love, pure and simple love. She loves her. Nothing more. Nothing less. It’s everything.

“It’s mama,” Blair whispers and the baby stops crying and is silent, and Blair wonders at the power of her voice. 

It’s mama.

Dan whispers her name and his hands are stroking Blair’s hair that’s plastered against her forehead then he’s leaning over and placing a kiss on the baby’s forehead. Blair looks up at him, her eyes filled with tears and sees tears in his as well. This is the moment they’ve been waiting for.

“Giulietta,” 

Blair says her name out loud and it sounds strange, foreign, but in a matter of seconds Giulietta has stolen her heart. Blair feels hot tears roll down her cheeks, tastes salt and she realizes she is sobbing. 

“She’s here,” Dan says softly. “You were wonderful and she’s here. She’s here.”

Giulietta whimpers softly and digs her head into Blair’s chest, rooting around and Blair realizes that she’s hungry, and all the doubts about whether or not she can do this slip away as she looks up at Andrea who is standing by her bedside. Andrea nods at her.

“She wants to eat. That’s good.”

Blair nods, feeling overwhelmed and tired. She just wants to close her eyes sleep, but she can’t. Not yet. Giulietta wants to eat and Blair wants this, wants to nurse her baby and do all the things a mother does for her child. 

Andrea helps her, helps the baby latch on and nurse and Blair holds the tiny, helpless girl in her arms and she wants to cry from the wonder of it all. She’s a mother. Giulietta’s mother. 

Dan leaves to make some phone calls and the doctor says goodbye, and something about it being a fast birth, and Blair nods, not really caring, trying to pretend that everything is normal when nothing feels that way. Dorota comes rushing in, cooing over the baby, fussing over Blair, promising to make her favorite dinner, and Blair can tell the woman who is practically her surrogate mother has been worried. She puts her hand up and Dorota stops in mid-sentence.

“I’m okay, Dorota,” Blair says kindly. After all these years she finally knows how much Dorota loves her. It’s like a veil has been lifted and suddenly Blair can see everything clearly. 

“Oh, Miss Blair, I was so worried. After the bleeding and the hospital, and it was all so quick. I thought I would have to call 911. I’ve never seen Mister Dan look so scared, and all those people were rushing in and out of your room. Then Andrea came out and said everything okay and I could breathe again.”

Blair looks at Dorota and the amount of love she has for the woman who has been by her side her entire life overwhelms her.

“I love you, Dorota,” Blair says without ceremony. It’s something that she should have said a long time ago.”

Dorota startles at Blair’s words.

“Miss Blair...I...I don’t....”

Blair smiles. How often is Dorota actually left speechless?

“You don’t have to say anything Dorota. It’s the truth, and I want you to know it.”

Dorota stares at Blair for a few seconds and suddenly Blair finds herself enveloped in the embrace of her dearest friend and she inhales the smell that is so Dorota and so home, closes her eyes and accepts this gift, until a small squeak reminds both of them that Giulietta is sandwiched between them. Dorota pulls back, looking a little embarrassed.

“Sorry Miss Blair,” 

“For what? Making Giuli fear for her life from her Godmother?” Blair smiles and laughs a little. She feels light, happy.

“Oh Miss Blair!” Dorota gasps, blushing, “I...I have a roast in the oven...it might burn....”

Blair smiles as Dorota rushes from the room, brushing past Dan who is coming through the doorway. He stops and stares past Dorota and turns back to Blair with a quizzical look on his face.

“What the...?” he starts.

“Something I should have done a long time ago,” Blair says slyly, laughing, feeling joyous.

“I’m a little curious,” Dan says as he walks over to their bed where Blair is lying, the baby sleeping in her arms.

“I just told her that I love her,” Blair smiles. “No big deal.”

“Seemed like a big deal from the way she rushed out of here.”

“Roast in the oven,” Blair says evenly, enjoying the moment. Everything feels too wonderful.

The bed sags as Dan sits down on the edge of it and smooths a stray hair off of Blair’s forehead. He looks down at the baby and Blair sees his face soften, a look of joy creeping across it.

“She’s so sweet...I never knew...didn’t expect....”

His voice trails off. Blair smiles. She knows what he’s trying to say. Neither of them expected to feel like nothing else in the world mattered except this little girl, their little girl. She lifts Giulietta, carefully cradling her head and hands her to Dan.”

“Here you go, papa.” Blair says softly. “It’s your turn.”

Dan holds her like she’s the most precious thing in the entire world and Blair feels her heart grow one hundred times bigger as she watches the man she loves so much hold their daughter, the child they made together, the one they fought for. She looks so tiny in his big hands and he leans over, smiles at her, and starts to whispers to her, telling her how much he loves her, that she’s going to have so much fun and he can’t wait to take her to the park, to have her meet her cousin Grace, and as Blair manages to slide to the edge of the bed and stand up, her body feeling achy and weak, she sees him lean over and kiss her tiny nose.

Blair pads to the bathroom feeling a little dizzy, or maybe just dizzy with exuberance. She wraps her robe around her tightly, looks in the mirror and sees the same face that always stares back at her. Somehow she feels she should look different, that having the entire world be a new place should show in her eyes, in the lines of her mouth. It doesn’t. She looks no different despite how she feels. She splashes water on her face, blinks the water off her eyelashes, and returns to their bedroom, her feet quiet on the plush carpet.

There is a pitcher of water on her bedside table that wasn’t there before, thin slices of lemons floating in it, the sides sweating. Dorota has been here. Blair smiles again and realizes that she can’t stop smiling. Dan is rocking Giulietta back and forth, singing a tune Blair has never heard before, his voice rumbling in his chest. He startles when he hears her, looking up.

“A song my dad sang to me when I was little.”

“It was nice.” 

A blush creeps up his cheeks. They both feel so strange and awkward in these new roles. Parents. Singing to their baby. It’s familiar and strange all at once.

“You know,” Blair says, crawling back onto the bed, settling next to Dan. He starts to give the baby back to her but Blair gestures for him to keep her. She wants Giulietta to spend lots of time with her papa. “Your voice isn’t half bad.”

“All those years of Humphrey family sing-alongs,” Dan jokes, “I think she likes it.” 

Blair is sure she does. Giulietta has spent the last nine months listening to her mama and papa, and now she gets to be held by them, hear those familiar voices. She’s home. Blair lays her head on the pillow and lets the weariness that’s been pulling at her finally take over. Her eyes flutter shut and she drifts into the darkness of well-earned sleep.

“Water? Honey, do you want some water?”

It’s Dan’s voice that wakes her. Blair blinks a little, her eyelids sticking, and she realizes that her mouth is dry. The room is mostly dark, the only light coming from a lamp on the night stand. She wonders how long she’s been asleep.

“Dorota told me to make you drink a lot,” Dan says quietly. “Says it’s good for the milk and I’m not about to let her down.”

Blair takes the glass he’s holding out to her. She drinks the water and it’s cold and crisp. It tastes good and she wants more.

“I think she’s hungry,” Dan whispers and Blair notices that Giulietta is squirming a little in his arms, rooting around. She's not crying, just making that soft whimper she’d made earlier. Blair reaches out and takes her from Dan, feeling her sweet weight in her arms, placing her to her breast and she opens her tiny bird-like mouth and starts to nurse. Blair feels the fatigue creep back up on her and her eyes start to flutter shut as she leans back against the headboard. 

“It’s funny.” Dan says after a while. Blair opens her eyes to find him gazing at her with so much love that it almost hurts. 

“What’s funny?” 

“I almost didn’t ask you to dance.”

“What?”

“At Serena and Nate’s wedding. I almost didn’t ask you. I actually walked out of the reception.”

Blair’s heart drops. She never knew. Dan, the one who has always been the most confident, the one who has always know what he wanted, and that it was her. He almost walked away. 

“You walked out?”

Dan nods.

“I did. I stood outside on the sidewalk and told myself that it wasn’t worth it, to leave the past in the past. Told myself it was stupid to do anything else but leave.”

“But you didn’t.”

He smiles and laughs just a little, a small self deprecating laugh.

“I wanted to. I wanted to go back to California and forget I saw you, because even seeing you again hurt so bad. But you looked so beautiful and I decided I couldn’t walk away without at least talking to you one last time. It told myself a fool, walking into the Blair Waldorf trap again.”

Blair smiles. She remembers how scared she felt, how she didn’t want to end up hurt all over again, how she knew she wouldn’t survive the wound he would leave a second time.

“But you didn’t,” Blair says again. He didn’t leave. He walked back in and it was the beginning all over again.

“No. I showed the trademark Humphrey stubbornness, which I hope our dear daughter doesn’t get too much of. I walked back in and asked you to dance. And now look where we are.”

His voice trails off and Blair studies his face to find his eyes brimming with tears.

“In love,” she says, completing his thought for him. “married.”

“And now, a baby, a daughter,” Dan whispers, his eyes locking with hers, “Giulietta.”

“Yes,” Blair says, her whole being filled with gratitude, “our daughter.”

She leans over and places a sweet kiss on her husband’s lips.

“I’m glad you were stubborn,” Blair whispers. “I hope our daughter is just like you.”


	27. It Starts Small

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Motherhood is harder for Blair than expected. Dan starts teaching at NYU and avoids what's going on by not coming home. Blair might lose one of the most important people in her life.

It starts small. Just little things that she doesn’t notice at first. 

Blair is tired, more tired than she ever thought possible. Gigi, as they’ve taken to calling Guilietta, seems like she doesn’t really need sleep and Blair finds herself learning how the city sounds at three AM as she holds her tiny baby girl and tries not to let her eyes droop, longing for the kind of deep blissful sleep that would be followed by Dan’s homemade scramble and a cup of strong coffee. Instead she stumbles to the breakfast table, grabbing a piece of bacon and tries not to snap at Dan. 

Everything annoys her lately. His damn earnestness. The concern he shows for her. Blair wants to be left alone, no baby, no husband, just quiet and entirely alone. She wants the life she had before back and she wants to not feel so irritated by the one person who means the world to her.

“It’s how it is B,” Serena sighs over the phone, “I don’t know how I made it through those early days without killing someone. Poor Nate, he was walking on pins and needles all the time.”

Blair wants to cry. She loves Gigi so much that it hurts but this sweet baby is also sucking everything that she has to give out of her. 

Dorota is worried. She hovers and clucks. Dan says they could get a night nanny, but that would mean someone else taking care of the baby and Blair feels like that would be the first step to the life she promised Gigi she would never give her. A childhood without parents, with staff around all of the time. She smiles at him and tells him that she’ll be okay. This will get better. It has to get better.

Dan is teaching at NYU. He comes home after classes full of stories of how he’s reaching his students, wanting to talk to her about ideas he has for his next lesson, and Blair tries to keep her eyes open, tries to look interested. He wants to tell her all about what’s going on in his world and she wants him to just hold her and not talk, but she can’t say that. 

He’s immersed in his writing, doing something he loves, and she feels her life rapidly slipping away. Waldorf Designs continues to chug along, Natasha meeting with her weekly as Blair nurses the baby and tries to take notes with one hand, but she feels more and more that she’s not really needed. They have a new designer, the first one she didn’t hand pick. And after all, Natasha says smiling, she’s a mother now. 

Blair’s smile back doesn’t quite reach her eyes.

It had started small the last time, little things that she only saw in hindsight. The small things seemed like they were back. Work that needed to be finished and he just couldn’t bring home, Dan gently waking her from where she’d fallen asleep on the couch, Gigi in the bassinette finally asleep, looking sheepish and apologizing for missing dinner. He’d wanted to finish grading his latest round of papers before he came home. He hadn’t wanted to bother her and the baby. 

Just like Chuck. Late business meetings. The stench of after hours clubs, cigarettes and cigars. Telling her that she would just be bored if she joined him. Nights sitting alone, staring out at New York’s skyline. Except last time she hadn’t cared enough to notice until everything was mostly over anyway.

She takes Gigi out for walks, pushing her fancy stroller through Central Park, Dorota at her side, carrying the overloaded diaper bag, and Blair has this sense that after all she’s worked for in life, after getting her career and then finding love, this is all that she really has left. She’s another UES mother pushing her infant through the park with her staff by her side. No more fashion week. No more design sketches. No more international business deals. No more date nights and movies and museum visits. Dan was teaching and she was being a mother and that was all that was left. 

“This will pass,” Serena promised her as she sat in the nursery trying to talk to Blair and redirect Grace away from something moderately breakable at the same time. S was sitting crosslegged, her blond hair up in a messy ponytail, her eyes full of sympathy and a pacifier on a chain pinned to her shirt. The image was almost enough to make Blair laugh. “Nate did the same thing when Gracey was born. Stayed at the office too long. I think everything at home was too intense for him. I was so tired and snappy and the baby wouldn’t let her hold him, and…,” Serena paused and looked at Blair with so much love and kindness, smiling. “Can you believe where we are?”

Blair knew what she meant. After all those years, here they were sitting on the floor of her nursery with the girls, and they would grow up together and be friends, maybe even best friends. A whole new of Queen Bs to rule the Upper East Side, except Blair hoped Guillianna and Grace would find a little more kindness than she and S. had. Blair smiled as a thought crossed her mind.

“Our little Queen G’s, right?”

Serena laughed, “But seriously B, this is hard stuff. It’s not like our parents who just handed us off to nannies and staff and sent us to boarding school so they could vacation in St. Bart’s. I mean, can you see Eleanore having anything helpful to say right now?”

Blair snorted a little, imagining the que horror that would happen if Eleanore got spit up on her expensive suit. Grandmere Eleanore was most likely going to be the kind of grandparent who sent presents and visited once a year, expecting perfectly behaved children. She would grandparent the same way she parented; from a distance.

“Luckily Rufus and Lily aren’t my mother.” 

“I know,” Serena coo’d as she smiled about her mother and step father. “I’m so lucky, I mean we’re so lucky on that part.”

Rufus and Lily had given Dan and Blair the perfect amount of space and support, somehow magically showing up with dinner in hand on the nights Dorota was off, knowing when Gigi needed her mama and papa and handing her back just as her little face started to screw up into another loud squall, and magically exiting to give the new parents some time to figure out this parenting thing without other people around. They had brought presents and toys and clearly were enjoying their second grandchild. 

Blair feels better after talking to Serena, feels like this too will pass, until the next night when Dan is late again and she tells Dorota to put his dinner plate in the fridge, then pads up to the bedroom that is adjoined to the nursery, praying for maybe three or four hours of sleep before her baby girl wakes yet again. For the first time in a long time Blair cries herself to sleep. 

Small things become bigger. Bigger, as in a full-sized co-ed Blair finds when she returns from her walk with Gigi and Dorota one afternoon. She’s surprised to hear the deep rumble of Dan’s voice as the elevator doors slide open and her heart leaps as she realizes that he must be home early today. She’s about to call out his name, tell him his family is home, when she hears a higher pitched female voice followed by a tinkling laugh. Blair swallows as her mouth goes dry and she takes Gigi from the stroller, holding her close as if the tiny girl from protect her from any danger. 

Blair had looked at herself before going to the park, noting the dark circles around her eyes, the pallor of her skin. She is grateful that she managed to shower that morning, but still feel deeply self-conscious and even a little frumpy as she walks into the dining room where the voices are coming from and finds Dan sitting in one of the chairs, a young, blonde woman leaning over him. 

“Hey,” Blair says softly.

Dan looks up at the sound of her voice and his face lights up at the sight of his wife and child standing in the doorway. The co-ed, who is blond and leaning too close to her husband, steps back a little, a look of disappointment crossing her face but she quickly covers it up with a brilliant but fake smile. Dan stands up, pushing his chair back and crosses the room to take the baby in his arms, giving Blair a quick peck on the cheek, then making funny noises at Gigi who gurgles and smiles up at him. Blair stands watching them as the other woman in the room shifts her weight, looking a little uncomfortable. Blair clears her throat.

“Oh!” Dan says, and Blair knows that he’s just forgotten to make introductions, and no matter how close the co-ed leans into him, it’s clear that Professor Humphrey has eyes only for his family. “This is Courtney. She’s my TA.”

Courtney flips her long blond hair over her shoulder and extends a hand to Blair. Blair takes it and grips it firmly. She has nothing to worry about. 

Still…

It’s not what Dan does. It’s what Blair does. She lets these moments eat at her and more and more she starts to feel alone. More and more she starts to feel like this is what happened with Chuck all over again, except this time she will not survive if everything falls apart. But she has to, because it’s not just her anymore and she won't’ have the luxury of recovering on the coast of Portugal.

Then everything falls apart. 

It actually starts off as a good day. Gigi wakes Blair early and she’s drinking coffee when Dan stumbles downstairs. He tells he might be working late again and she says something about keeping his dinner warm for him. He gets showered and dressed and he smells so good that Blair holds him longer than she should, and Dan laughs at her telling her that the car is waiting to take him to NYU. She looks at him, searching his eyes.

“I love you, you know,” Blair says softly, smoothing the lapels of his corduroy blazer complete with elbow patches. “And all of this, it’s going to get better. That’s what Serena says.”

Dan laughs a little, “So does Nate.” Blair smiles because she’s happy Dan has been talking to his friend, commiserating in the same way she’s been leaning on Serena for support. It’s like they’re in this together instead of moving forward separately, which has been what things have felt like lately. 

“I know things have been hard,” Dan continues, his hand tracing the corners of her eyes, a thumb brushing her lips, “But we don’t have to do this alone. We can get help. There are people who stay with babies overnight. You can get some sleep.”

Blair feels the tears start up again.

“And it doesn’t mean that we’ve failed. We’re not going to be the same people your parents were, leaving you alone, not wanting to take the time to be present,” Dan whispers, “I promise you, it’s okay to get some help.”

Blair is crying now. She wraps her arms around him, burying her head into his chest. 

“What would I do without you?” She mumbles, words muffled by his button-up shirt, the plastic buttons hard against her cheek.

“You’d have less obnoxious plaid in your life, Waldorf” Dan jokes as he pulls away from her a little, a hand going ot her chin, tipping her face up to look up into his. Blair smiles. 

“Everyone needs less plaid in their life, Humphrey.”

He tells her he’s not going to stay late after all. He can bring his papers home. They can have dinner together. Blair smiles. Things feel better. 

She’s light the rest of the day, happy. They go for their daily walk in the park, Dorota huffing besides Blair, Gigi staring up at the leaves rustling in the wind, fascinated by the light. They stop at the duck pond and Dorota magically produces a bag of bread all while suggesting to Blair that her tradition of feeding the ducks is harming urban wildlife. They sit on a bench while Gigi nurses, talking about what Dorota had heard on NPR that morning and how college was going for her oldest, and the other day her youngest had come home wearing a Waldorf Designs she’d picked up at a thrift store. Blair makes a mental note to invite Dorota’s daughter to her next sample sale. She really needs to give more to the woman who is almost equal to Dan and Guilliana in her life. 

The sky clouds over and some rain drops start to sprinkle on the sidewalk so Blair and Dorota head back. It’s getting close to dinner time anyway, and Dan has said he’ll be back to eat with them, so Blair doesn’t want to be late. By the time they return to the penthouse it’s a true New York City downpour and Dorota somehow magically produces two umbrellas to keep them from getting entirely soaked. She shakes them out when they step into the foyer and takes them to the back to open and dry. 

Gigi starts crying and Blair leans over the stroller, unstrapping her and holding her small, soft body to her chest, making shushing noises and shifting her weight back and forth. The baby starts to cry harder and Blair starts to bounce her up and down, walking back and forth across the foyer. She glances at the clock on the wall. Dan should be home any minute now.

“Just something quick for dinner,” Blair calls after Dorota, still bouncing Gigi. “Maybe some of the lasagne from the other night.”

Dorota doesn’t reply and Blair things she must not have heard her over the crying. She walks towards the closet where Dorota usually leaves the umbrellas.

“And maybe some dessert. I think Dan would love some of your homemade banana bread if you’ve made any lately.”

Her shoes click on the marble floors and Blair rounds the corner and screams. The baby startles at the loud sound Blair makes and stops crying and for a moment everything is deadly silent.

Dorota is on the floor, her jacket still on, the two umbrellas lying askew in puddles of rainwater. For a moment Blair can’t make sense of what she’s looking at. Why is Dorota on the floor. Is she tired? Taking a nap? She feels like she’s standing there, staring, waiting for Dorota to get up, smile at her, smooth her uniform, tell her it’s a joke. Then slowly the realization leaks in that this is not a joke. Something is terribly terribly wrong.

Blair is shaking so hard she’s afraid she’ll drop the baby, her mind is racing. What should she do. Phone. She should call someone one. Call the police. Call 911. She need an ambulance, she needs someone to help Dorota. Dorota. What if she’s already dead. What if she loses the person who has been by her side for her entire life. She’s gripping her iPhone but her hands are shaking so hard she can’t unlock it, then she realizes she can make an emergency call and she’s surprised she can even do that. 

“My maid,” she gasps at the operator, “She’s fainted, or something, or maybe she’s dead, please help me! PLEASE!”

The voice on the other end is calm, asking her questions. First what is her address. Blair gives it to them. The voice tells her they have a unit very close. Did she see her fall. No. Is there any blood? No. Can she do CPR. Blair feels tears run down her face. 

“I’m holding a baby. I’m holding my fucking baby. I can’t help her.”

The voice tells her to say on the phone, that the unit has arrived at her building. It keeps talking to her, telling her someone will be there soon. It feels like hours have passed although it’s probably only been a few minutes, and Blair hears the ding of the elevator and feet rushing in. She yells out, telling them where she is, and seconds later two figures push her aside and someone is taking Gigi out of her arms and asking if she’s okay, and she nods. But Dorota. She glances over and sees that they’ve turned her on her back and one of the medics is pushing on her chest. 

“Do you want to call someone,” a woman asks her, the one holding the baby. Blair nods. 

“My...my husband.” she holds up her phone, her hand still shaking, and her brain can’t quite figure out what to do with it. The woman takes it gently out of her hand.

“The code?” she asks. Blair things that she shouldn’t tell her but she tells her anyway. “His name?”

“Dan, Dan Humphrey,”

He’s not home yet and she thinks she might catch him in the town car, or a taxi if that’s how he’s getting home. She doesn’t know what she’s going to say. Something happened to Dorota. She might be dead. She just wants to hear his voice, have him tell her it’s okay.

The phone rings. Once. Twice. It picks up and a voice answers, “hello.”

A female voice.


	28. Are you there God? It's me, Blair. Again.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Blair makes a lot of bargains with a certain deity. Serena takes care of her. Dan and Blair stand on the edge of understanding.

Blair bargains with God the entire way to the hospital. Sitting in the back seat of the town car as it speeds behind the ambulance, she makes promise after promise after promise. As long as Dorota lives. She will brush her teeth twice a day, never yell at her daughter, work at a food bank not just on Thanksgiving but once a month, go to confession, whatever she needs to do. Just please, please let Dorota live. 

She can’t think about the woman’s voice on the phone when she called Dan. Can’t think about the noise in the background of people talking, glasses clinking, when he had promised her he’d be home for dinner. All she can think about is Dorota. 

She knew her devoted maid was still alive, after CPR and some drugs, she heard the medics say they had a pulse. Still, she wasn’t awake, her head flopping a little as they loaded her onto the backboard in order to put her into the ambulance. Blair had never felt so alone, standing in the foyer as the elevator doors closed, staring after the medics, wondering what to do next.

“Oh my god, Blair,” Dan had gasped when his phone was finally handed to him and she told him about Dorota, the ambulance, the hospital, “I’m coming home right now. I can’t believe you were alone. I’m so sorry, I…”

“Don’t.” Blair had said quietly. She could not take apologies and explanations right now. She felt so far away from him, so very alone. “Don’t come home. I’m going to the hospital. You can meet me there.” Dan was silent for a moment and they just breathe together over the phone, neither sure what to say. 

“I love you,” Dan said quietly. Blair couldn’t say anything back. 

Please let her live. I will say a prayer every morning, travel to India, work in the slums, bring water to villages in Africa, start an early reading program, dedicate my life to others, just please, please let her live. 

Lily and Rufus take Gigi for the night and when Dan finally arrives at the hospital he finds Blair slumped in one of the ghastly plastic chairs in the waiting room, staring into space, the rest of the room empty. She hears him walk up to her, hears him say her name, but she can’t look at him. She only stares at the wall, a poster advertising the hospital’s transplant services covering its entire surface, a woman whose life was spared smiling at her, something about how now she can bake bread and spend time with her grandchildren. Will Dorota also get this miracle chance that’s being advertised. Will she be back to making breakfast and singing softly in Polish?

“Dorota? Is she okay?” Dan’s voice is cracking. 

Blair finally turns her gaze to her husband and she’s stunned by the pain across his face. She doesn’t know if he’s ever looked more hurt and for a moment everything falls away and all she wants to do is be in his arms. 

“Who is she?” Blair spits out. She’s not going to tell him about Dorota, not when he was with someone else while Dorota lay possibly dying on the floor. She wants to know who that woman was. 

“Oh my god, Blair,” Dan says, his voice twisting in pain. So much pain. “It was nothing. My TA, Courtney…”

Blair can picture her. Blond, lithe, leaning over her husband, breasts pushed out a little, a pose of collegiate seduction. Maybe it was nothing to Dan but to Courtney the co-ed, it was everything. She had the good professor when he should be home with his family. She answered his phone. Blair thinks about how many times Chuck had told her it was nothing when an assistant answered his phone sounding a little breathless, and there was always a good reason it was nothing, always an explanation. 

“You said you’d be home.”

If he’d been there when he said maybe Blair wouldn’t have been alone, staring at Dorota on the floor unable to make sense of what was happening. Maybe Dan could have started CPR while she called 911 and instead Blair could only hold Gigi and scream. 

Dan moves to sit next to her, not touching her, knowing that she would shirk away if he put his hand out. They say nothing to each other, Blair still staring at the wall. The clock ticks away minute by minute until a doctor pushes through the door and calls her name.

“Ms. Waldorf?”

Blair looks up, her eyes meeting his, searching the face of the doctor for some sort of answer and when she saw him smile kindly she knew Dorota would be okay. That was the moment when Dan finally took her hand and she grips him so tightly she knows she must be hurting his fingers, and no matter how messed up things feel right now, she still needs him. 

Dorota is awake and talking. She’s had a minor cardiac event. She’ll be in the hospital for a few more days and after that she needs to take it easy. Lots of rest and not get back to work too soon. 

Blair and Dan stand up together and Blair allows herself to wrap an arm around his waist, allows herself to lean on him and they walk slowly out of the emergency room, Dan whispering into her hair, holding her close, as if it could be the last time. They climb into the waiting car and the whole way home Blair rests her head on his shoulder, and Dan absently rubs her hand with his thumb, a comforting gesture that barely gives any comfort. Blair is so exhausted that she can’t pull away. She just allows herself to sag against him as she thinks over and over again that Dorota is going to be okay. God has smiled on her one more time. 

They exit the elevator doors into the foyer and Blair feels panic clench in her chest and she can’t stop the events from earlier from playing over and over in her head. Calling for Dorota, talking about dinner, finding Dorota on the floor, Gigi crying. She can’t stop seeing it. She drops her purse to the floor. Dan stands next to her, not touching her, saying nothing. Blair moves to the living room as if in a trance and Dan follows, sitting next to her on the couch they’d picked out together for it’s comfort and softness. She usually loves to sink into it but right now she perches on its edge, every muscle in her body tense. 

“We need to talk,” Dan says quietly. “What happened, when you called me, I’m so sorry.”

“You were supposed to be home,” Blair says quietly, unable to look at him, staring at her hands that are clasped together. 

“It was just a mistake, I was in the bathroom, Courtney should never have answered my phone.”

“There’s always a good reason,” Blair mutters almost to her self. How many times had Chuck said it was just a mistake. Just her not understanding the situation. How many times had he lied, and here she was being lied to again.

She can feel Dan’s eyes boring into her and she can see that he knows that this isn’t just about one incident. When he speaks again his words are sharp and bitter. “So, this isn’t just about me. It’s about the past. It’s about Chuck. Fucking Chuck Bass is still here with us after all these years, after all we’ve been through. One thing happens and we’re back to Chuck again.”

He’s angry. Blair realizes that she’s angry too. Did Dan think she walked into this marriage without baggage? Did he think they could somehow be the same untouched people they were when they were twenty and it was easy to love someone one day and someone else the next? She loves him, she trusts him, but it’s only been a couple years since he decided to go back into Serena and Nate’s reception and they started all over again, compared to fifteen before that and so much betrayal and pain. She had married Chuck and meant it at the time, and he’d thrown her away so easily. Now Courtney the co-ed seems to represent everything about that time and it’s happening all over again, along with explanations and justifications, late nights and apologies. Blair expects Dan to fill the foyer with flowers next and give her a god-awful expensive diamond bracelet. It’s what Chuck would do. 

“Get the fuck out,” Blair hisses. She isn’t doing this again. Not with Guilliana to worry about. If Dan thinks staying at school with is TA is more important than being with his family, he can leave. She turns to finally look at Dan and he looks devastated at her words. Dan starts to talk, his words measured and careful. 

“I’m not Chuck. I made a mistake but dammit Blair, I’m not Chuck, and if I could go back and change things, I would never have stayed for the James Joyce salon in the student union. I would have taken my phone to the bathroom so Courtney wouldn’t have answered it. I would have called a taxi and just come home. I hate that you went through this without me. Blair…please. Please.”

She says nothing but part of her softens a little. Dan’s right. He’s not Chuck, but still, she wants to be alone. Needs some space to think. She feels the tears running down her cheeks. 

“I was so scared and you should have been there with me. If you’d been there,” she pushes her hair back with one shaking hand, “If you’d been there I wouldn’t have been so scared, but you weren’t.” It’s the truth and Dan knows it. 

“God Blair, I can’t leave you right now. I just can’t. Seeing you like this, it’s ripping me apart. All I want to do is hold you, make this all go away.”

“You can’t stay.” Blair sniffs a little, some of the anger slipping away. Dan nods, understanding that Blair needs some space, some time to think. 

“I’ll call Nate, see if I can stay there tonight. But you shouldn’t be alone. Maybe Serena can come over, stay with you. I can’t even imagine being here alone.”

Blair blinks and she realizes that no matter how angry she is, she loves this man so much. He’s right that he isn’t Chuck Bass. Chuck would have fought until he’d destroyed every little part of her but here Dan is telling her he’ll do what she’s asked but still making sure she’ll be okay. 

“Okay,” she whispers. 

“Then tomorrow, I come back and we talk. Really talk. Figure this out, because it’s not okay if you think for a moment that I would ever, EVER cheat on you. Because I love you Blair Waldorf-Humphrey, and we can’t just keep running away from each other when things get difficult.”

Blair smiles for the first time that evening. Dan is right. She had run away in Laguna Beach. He had run away in Rome. Here she was wanting to run away again. “I love you too, Dan Humphrey.”

He won’t leave her side until Nate and Serena arrive, Grace on Nate’s hip. 

“We’ll do the two-dad thing tonight,” Nate tells Dan, then says in a sympathetic voice, “dude, it’s nice to be able to have some male bonding time, but maybe next time not under these circumstances.”

Blair sees Dan smile at his friend, sees the tension leave his shoulders, and she knows she’s done the right thing. She watches the trio walk into the elevator and Dan turns and watches her until the door closes. Then Serena is there, wrapping Blair in her arms, comforting her in the same way she might comfort Grace, but it feels good and Blair finds herself wrapping her arms even tighter around her friend and sobbing her heart out. 

“I could have lost her,” Blair blurts out. “She was on the floor and I thought she was dead and I could have lost her.” Blair pulls back and looks at her friend. “I love you S., you are the best friend I’ve ever had.”

“I know, B. You’re mine too.”

Serena feeds her, chicken soup from the freezer, and Blair manages to eat a few bites before pushing it away. She draws a warm bath for Blair who stretches out in the warm water, feeling her muscles relax, but her mind still whirls and her heart still hurts. Then Serena puts Blair to bed, helping her into her nightgown the same way Dorota might have, tucking her into the big bed, kissing her on the forehead. Blair feels small and alone, Dan’s side of the bed empty, Guilliana gone for the night. Serena is in the guest room at the other end of the penthouse, so it’s almost like Blair is entirely alone. 

It’s so quiet and still, only the sound of her own breathing in the room. Tomorrow, they’ll talk. Tomorrow will be another day, and Dorota will be okay and Dan will be back and everything will look different in the morning light. At least she hopes so. Blair feels her mind finally grow still and her body feels like it’s falling into darkness as she closes her eyes and dreams of Dan and their life together, a small smile on her lips.


	29. The Truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Home as been hard. Dan and Blair confront the truth they've both been running away from.

Morning light is supposed to bring understanding and sanity but all it seems to do is make the pounding in Blair’s head even worse. She squints her eyes as Serena pulls open the heavy curtains blocking out the sun and moans a little. Serena turns to look at her and smiles a genuine, caring smile that makes Blair’s heart hurt a little.

The events of the night before are fuzzy, almost like a dream, and Blair can barely conjure up images from the events but the feeling isn’t gone. She feels hollowed out on the inside, like a great cavern has opened up in her soul and she’s going to be swallowed up. 

Serena picks up a tray from her dresser and Blair sees that there is a cup of tea on it and a plate with some toast. She smiles. It’s the kind of thing a mother brings her sick child, but Blair suspects it’s also the only thing Serena can figure out how to make in the kitchen. Life with staff around leaves a girl lacking certain skills, but almost anyone can toast bread and spread butter. The tray is set down on her bedside table and her friend perches herself on the edge of the bed, taking Blair’s hand in hers. 

“I didn’t know if I should let you sleep.” Serena starts. Blair thinks that she could sleep forever, staying in the darkness where things hurt less. Serena’s hand comes up and smooths a strand of hair that’s hanging askew, and with that touch Blair feels the tears start coming. Her chest heaves a little and she chokes back a sob.

“I’m not okay,” Blair gasps, leaning forward as Serena’s arms circle around her back, her hands stroking small circles. “I’m not okay,” she repeats.

It’s not just Dorota. It’s everything. The baby, Dan being away so much, the feeling that no matter what she does, Blair is losing herself. The fact that it’s getting harder and harder to get out of bed, and the fact that she can’t remember the person she used to be.

“I know,” Serena murmurs. “oh sweetheart, this is so very hard.” Serena pulls back a little and looks at her friend. “It’s okay to need some help. You don’t have to do this alone.”

Blair smiles a sad little smile. She knows this. She’s read all the pamphlets, the doctor talked to her, she understands, but there wasn’t one moment when she was able to say she was okay the day before and the next she wasn’t. The changes had been slow, incremental, until Blair was so lost she didn’t even know how she’d even gotten into this trap. 

She gets up and tries to look presentable. Serena calls Lily and Rufus and they agree they’ll keep Gigi at least another day. Blair needs some space right now, although her heart aches to hold her baby girl and she misses her terribly. She also needs to be able to talk to her husband without having to get up to feed or soothe the baby. 

Dan and Nate arrive with Grace in tow and Serena crouches down as the tiny girl runs into her arms, and Blair aches to see what her future could be. Dan hangs back, his eyes looking everywhere except at Blair, hands shoved into his pockets, weight shifting from one foot to the other, and Blair just wants to run to him, throw her arms around him, reach up and push his hair out of his eyes, run her fingers along the rough stubble along his jaw. No matter now things have felt, she can’t help but love this man and she doesn’t think she’ll ever stop. 

Serena grabs her overnight bag off the floor and turns to Blair. 

“I love you, B.” she says genuinely. “I’ll call you later.” Then she puts her around around her husband, Grace on her hip, placing a quick kiss on Nate’s cheek, the picture of perfect family bliss, and Blair is struck once again by how much has changed for her friend, how far she has come. 

Nate pats Dan on the shoulder on their way to the elevator. “Don’t forget what we talked about, man.” he says to him in that gruffly intimate way men talk to each other and Dan thanks him then looks sheepish. The elevator doors slide shut and Dan and Blair are finally left alone, standing in the foyer, eyes locked. 

“So,” Dan finally says. “Serena made you breakfast.” There is a small glint of humor in his eyes, a tinge of fear in his voice and his words break the tension. Blair feels herself sag a little and despite all of the darkness inside her, she laughs. 

“Yeah. Toast and tea.”

Dan walks over to her and places a quick, chaste kiss on her cheek, not other parts of their bodies touching, like a brother might greet a sister. Blair manages not to stiffen at the brush of his lips. Blair wants to say so much to him, to tell him that she mad missed him despite all the events of last night but she didn’t say anything. Still apart they walk together into the living room with the floor to ceiling windows and comfortable furniture. Blair settles into a big armchair, Dan settles on the couch across from her, and Blair is glad for the space between them. 

“So,” She says. 

“So,” Dan answers back. 

They are at an impasse, two opposing forces facing each other. 

“Now we talk.” Blair’s voice is quiet. She doesn’t know what will come next, but she knows that they will finally be able to get some of the things that have being left unsaid pulled into the space between them. She just doesn’t know how much all of this is going to hurt and what’s going to happen when they’re done.

Dan doesn’t say anything, just sit there in the silence and Blair realizes that he isn’t going to be the one doing the talking. He’s not going to beg her, to convince her, to plead with her, or even apologize. He’s letting her be the one in charge of this conversation and yet again Dan Humphrey knows what she needs without her even telling him. After a long while Blair takes a deep shaky breath, because she knows what she needs to say but even the unspoken words hurt at a level so deep she doesn’t know if she’s going to survive the answer. Her voice is hoarse, coming out at first in a whisper in the silence, her throat stuck with a little phlegm, and she clears it then asks the question, louder, stronger, because she needs to know. 

“Are you cheating on me?” Saying the words out loud hurts. She watches his face crumple and his entire body sag as the answer is ripped from him as if he’s in just as much pain.

“No. God no, Blair. I would never, ever. I love you.”

There is nothing but naked truth in his face as he rubs a hand through his hair, a classic Dan Humphrey nervous gesture, and he looks at her, pleading with her to believe him. She does. She believes him, but she doesn’t feel any less angry. She wants to ask him why Courtney picked up his phone, why she had to go through another woman answering her call, but she doesn’t, because she knows the story already. It’s not any different than the night before. Dan isn’t lying so there’s nothing else to say about it. Still, she wants to know something else. 

“But you didn’t come home.”

Guilt now, because Dan wasn’t cheating on her, but he wasn’t being faithful either, and he looks away because he knows she’s right about this. His transgression may not have been cheating on her, but there is a transgression none-the-less, and it still hangs between them. She knows what’s going to come next. It’s been repeated many times in the past few months. Classes, students, work, all keeping him from coming home, leaving her alone at night, but he surprises her by saying something entirely different. He tells her the truth.

“Home has been hard, Blair.”

His honesty startles her and she realizes that Dan Humphrey will never be Chuck Bass. Chuck was always full of excuses and explanations, even when she confronted with the truth. Dan doesn’t look away from the truth she’s laid out for him, he’d added to it, legitimized it, confirmed what she’s been secretly afraid of. He’s been staying away from her, from them, on purpose. This is bigger than either of them realized. She blinks back tears that are starting to form as she stares at him, then offers a truth of her own.

“It’s been hard for me too.”

Her words spur Dan from his state of inertia and he bolts off the couch, across the distance between them, pulling Blair into his arms, burying his face in her hair, whispering her name, and her arms go around him, gripping him as if she might float away. Finally they are really holding each other, not the images they’ve been trying to project, not the falsities they’ve wanted each other to believe, and Blair feels the anger slipping away replaced by the same familiar sadness that is rolling off her in waves. He tangles his fingers with hers, holding her hand, pulling her back to the couch with him and the distance is gone. They sit, only their hands touching, facing each other, and Blair shivers a little as she realizes that the room is getting cold. Dorota would be the one to turn on the heat and Blair’s chest clenches, unable to stop the image of Dorota lying on the floor that flashes before her eyes. Dan’s eyes move from her face to look around until he makes a little sound of “aha!”, gets up, leaving her on the couch alone, then returns holding a thick, fluffy blanket he’s taken off the back of the other armchair in the room. He sits down and spreads it over the both of them, his hand reaching for hers again, their fingers finding each other. 

“I’m so sorry,” Dan starts, his voice cracking with emotion, as if he can put everything into how he says these words. Blair feels her wounds close a little with his words because for the first time in a long time she can hear them. “I’ve been caught up in my work and it makes me feel wanted, and somehow that became more important than you or Gigi, and I...I don’t even know if I can say enough to make this better.” 

Blair reaches out with her free hand and lightly touches his cheek with her fingers. Dan’s eyes close at her touch. 

“I haven’t been there for you,” Dan continues. “I haven’t been there for our daughter. I’ve just felt so powerless and I couldn’t help you and it felt good to be at school and not here.” Dan laughs a little, “I’ve been staying away because I can’t handle all this, which is something I’m not proud of. Nate pretty much told me I’ve been a first class jack-ass last night.”

Blair half-sobs and half-laughs and she silently thanks the world for Nate and Serena who have been so central to everything good that has come into her life, including the fact that someone besides her can call out Dan. 

She smiles a little, the first genuine smile in days, “You’re not alone in this, my love,” Blair says quietly. “I’ve been so lost.”

“No.” Dan says emphatically, “don’t take this on. You gave us this amazing child, but it’s not been easy on you. I’ve seen that, it’s just that I haven’t wanted to be honest with myself about what needs to be done. I knew things had to change and I didn’t want to give up what I know I need to.

Blair blinks, not quite understanding what Dan is saying. He keeps talking.

“I love teaching. It’s almost as good as writing for me, but Blair, I don’t need to do it. Not if it means you’re alone. Not if it means you feel all the pressure of taking care of Gigi. Not if I’m not with my family. I knew this, which is why I kept avoiding what I needed to do.”

“Dan…” Blair whispers. “What are you saying?”

He’s talking to fast that his words are almost tumbling over themselves. “I resigned last night, effective today. I’m not leaving you alone. Not right now. We’re going to find someone besides me to talk to, and maybe medication. You’re going to get back into Waldorf Designs, even if just one day a week. And I’m going back to writing. Hell, maybe I’ll just not write for a while and concentrate on taking care of Gigi, getting her into all the best UES playgroups and such. But no matter what, I’m not leaving you again.”

Tears are running down her face. No, Dan was not Chuck. He never would be. 

“And I’m so sorry, because I’ve been an asshole. Not that I won’t be an asshole again in the future, but I don’t want to be the kind of father and husband who leaves his family behind. I’m working on making these things happen less often. And I love you so much Blair Cordelia Waldorf Humphrey. So much that it hurts me,” Dan took a clenched fist and gently pounded himself right over his heart, “right here.”

She lets go of his hand and leans forward, scooting even closer to him, both her hand coming up to cradle his face, staring into his eyes, and for the first time since Guilliana was born Blair feels the old feeling of hope creeping in. She leans forward and places her lips on his, soft, light, then a little more pressure until his mouth opens and their tongues are tangling and he’s groaning her name against her lips. Then she pulls back and gazes into his eyes again and they are dark, full of love and desire and sorrow and everything that makes her love him.

“Take me to bed, Dan Humphrey.” Blair whispers, because all of the sudden the only thing she wants to to feel him against her, inside her, to feel his body weighing hers down, to have his mouth crush hers, to tangle her fingers into his hair. 

“Yes,” Dan hisses, his mouth capturing hers again, hard and swift, then he pulls back. He lets her go and Blair shakes from their loss of contact. Dan stands up from the couch, offering his hand, and when she takes it, he pulls her up, into his arms until he’s picked her up entirely and his carrying her. Her face nestles into his clavicle, inhaling his scent, and Blair thinks that life has given them yet another beginning. Is it fair for anyone to have so many chances to begin again? She doesn’t think she cares. 

She wants to tell him how much she loves him but her brain is so scrambled with relief and desire that the words won’t come. She has time. There is tomorrow. And the next day. And the day after that.


	30. Time to Heal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan becomes Mr. Mom. Blair goes back to work. Dorota is all better. A big romantic gesture happens and another little plastic stick.

They start to heal. 

It’s slow and sometimes painful, one step forward at a time, and sometimes a step backwards. Those are the nights Dan finds Blair curled on the floor of the bathroom telling him that she can’t see past the sadness. He sits with her and strokes her back until she falls asleep. Then he picks her up, holding lthat he doesn’t know if he could love her more. 

Blair talks to someone. A nice woman with a comfortable office, the waiting room filled with books, a trickling fountain in the corner. They meet once a week. She gets medication, one pill a day and slowly, in small increments, the veil starts to lift.

Dorota comes home and Blair spends the whole day never further away than three feet until Dorota stops what she's doing, walks up to Blair and folds her into her arms. 

"Doctor say I'm okay, Miss Blair," Dorota says gently. Blair sags against her loyal maid and for the first time since that awful day she allows herself to cry about it until she feels spent.

Dan is home now. He wakes in the morning and threatens to help Dorota with breakfast until she shoos him out of the kitchen. He reads the entire paper every day, sitting across from Blair while she drinks her coffee, telling her little details he picks up from various international stories. One day he proceeds to tell her the entire history of the conflict in the Middle East, dating back to pre World War I, and she arches an eyebrow and asks him what other random things he’s going to learn next. The next day he tells her the entire history of Chanel with a grin. Blair smiles back. 

“Dan Humphrey, you are a repository of random, only sometimes useful pieces of information.”

He grins. “And charming, I’m pretty sure you said I was charming as well.”

He ducks as a piece of toast flies his way. 

He plays with Gigi, sitting on the carpet in the living room surrounded by toys, making funny faces at her, reading her books as the sun starts to slide over the western horizon, handing her strangely shaped bits of food that are called baby puffs and watching in total and utter amazement as she gums them then throws them onto the floor. One day Blair watches as he picks the little girl who has started toddling around the penthouse, and Gigi’s face screws into a mask of utter frustration as she starts to scream. Dan is holding her, a look of true understanding on his face and he’s making soothing sounds as he tells her he knows she really really REALLY wanted to stick her fingers in the light socket but he’s afraid that papa simply cannot let her explore the world to that degree. Blair smiles. There isn’t a better father out there. 

Blair goes back to work. At first she’s not entirely sure what to do. She sits in her office feeling strange and out of place, uncomfortable in her own skin, not sure if she actually belongs anywhere anymore. She shuffles some papers around her desk, picks up the phone to hear the dial tone, then puts it back down, not quite sure where to start. She reaches in her bag and pulls out a picture, a simple black frame that Dan had handed to her that morning with no fanfare. It’s a black and while photo of him and Gigi in Central Park, Gigi’s mouth wide open in the middle of a laugh, her eyes squeezed shut, and Dan’s kissing her cheek. 

“We’ll miss you,” he says as she grips the frame in her hands. “And I thought you could use a little more decoration in your office.”

Blair places it on the narrow shelf lining the wall that also has pictures from their wedding and somehow everything looks complete. Blair turns back to her desk and her mind starts to shuffle through all the things that need to be done before the next fashion when there’s a small rapping of someone trying to get her attention. She looks up to find Natasha standing in the doorway, an iPad in her hand.

“Welcome back, Ms. Waldorf.”

There had been looks and whispers when Blair arrived that morning, eyes following her as she walked past rows of desks to her office, making her feel self-conscious and wonder what people had been saying about her. Now Natasha stands in front of her, a genuine smile across her face, and Blair briefly reflects on her assistant’s long-standing loyalty, and thinks maybe it could even be called some sort of friendship. 

“Oh for goodness sake, Natasha,” Blair says, sounding almost irritated, “I think you can call me Blair at this point.” Her assistant blushes a little and her smile grows larger, “Now, are those the latest sketches you have for me?”

Natasha nods and Blair gestures for her to come in. She walks around her desk and they both settle into chairs by the small table in the corner as Natasha swipes through the newest styles being proposed by their designers. Blair looks at each one carefully, evaluating them, making suggestions that Natasha hastily scribbles on a pad of paper that has appeared on the table, and Blair realizes that she has missed this. Queen B. is back. 

Winter arrives with snow on the ground and the city lit up. They take Guilianna on her first carriage ride and she’s starting to say more and more words. She’s walking now and pulling ornaments off the Christmas tree as Dorota dashes behind her to keep the more delicate ones from breaking or being stepped on. Dan laughs and calls her Toddlerzilla. She’s eighteen months and into everything. Blair curls on the couch with a cup of hot cocoa and watches her happy family. Even with the long, dark days, her own darkness is so much lighter now. She only has a bad spell every once in a while. 

Dan is happy being a stay-at-home dad. He spends his days at play dates and tells Blair at night that he’s grateful for Serena who rolls her eyes back at him across the sea of mommies and their perfectly dressed children as they try to one up each other over who is going to which preschool. He announces that Gigi is not going to preschool and he’s going to keep her home and they’re going to become heathens who never ever bathe and her education will be romps in Central Park and reruns of the Dick VanDyke Show, the father of all sitcoms. Blair throws something else at him and tell him that he’s her funny husband. 

She tells him he should get back to his writing and one night she sees him sitting in the study staring intently at his laptop.

“Want to tell me what you’re working on?” Blair asks, leaning on the door jam, playing the the tie of her robe and wondering if she could easily distract him by letting the robe slide to the floor leaving her naked. She bites her lip a little, thinking about how she would like to distract her husband. Dan looks at her, his eyes roaming up and down her figure, which is more curvy since she had the baby, and she sees he has the same thing in mind. 

“I’m finishing our story,” he says. Blair smiles. The books. 

“Is our story ever finished?” she asks. Dan looks at her for a long time, his eyes locked with hers. 

“No,” he says. “It’s not.”

He closes his laptop and stands up, crossing to where she’s standing, his head dipping to capture her lips. No more writing happens that night. 

Serena and Nate come over for weekly dinners, Grace in tow, and the two girls play with each other while the adults drink wine and talk. Dan sends Dorota away and insists on cooking on those nights, trying new recipes, sauteing onions and tossing salads as Nate leans against the counter and they discuss the latest sport statistics or a recent op-ed in the Spectator, and Nate tells Dan that he should considering submitting some of his writing. Blair and Serena sit on the couch together watching the girls playing with their baby dolls, Grace twirling around with hers and singing an off-key tune as Gigi laughs and claps. Grace will be three in a week and Serena is babbling on about the birthday party she has planned when Nate shows up in the doorway with Dan not far behind him. 

“Oh good,” Serena claps, “the boys are here. Now we can tell you.”

“Tell us what?” Dan says and Blair wonders if he’s obtuse because she’s already guessed what Serena’s about to say. She’s been glowing for weeks now. 

“Grace is going to be a big sister,” Serena squeals and Blair leans across the distance between them to pull her friend into her arms, ignoring the squeeze of fear that clenches in her gut. She smiles and tells Serena and Nate she’s so excited for them, and that Grace will be such a great big sister.

“And you’re going to be the godparents, of course,” Nate says.

“Of course,” Blair says smiling, the smile not quite reaching her eyes. That night she cries after Dan falls asleep, because she thought the darkness was almost gone, but it still reaches out to grab her, and she doesn’t know if she’ll ever stop being afraid, and she can’t help but feel alone despite the fact that her husband is snoring softly beside her. She curls up into his side and slowly lets herself drift to sleep. 

Days turn to weeks turn to months, trees get buds, flowers peek up from the grass during their walks in Central Park. It’s warmer some days now and the world is starting to be filled with the colors of Spring. One day Blair comes home early from work and dinner is on the table early, so they all eat together; Dan, Gigi, Dorota and herself, then Dorota takes the girl up to her room for a bath and to get ready for bed. Dan and Blair sit together at the dining room table, talking, her telling him about her day in the high powered world of fashion, him suggesting that Gigi not have free access to playdough. She finishes the last bite of her dinner and Dan stands up and offers her his hand. 

“Would you like to take a walk, Mrs. Waldorf-Humphrey? A stroll? A promenade?”

“Before dessert?" Blair asks, thinking that Dorota probably has some pie in the fridge, and Gigi will want them to kiss her goodnight soon, and she has some papers from the office to go through. 

“It’s going to be dark soon,” Dan answers, “We can grab something when we get back. Come walk with me.”

Blair smiles.All the things in her head can wait. "I don’t think I would mind a little walk, Mr. Humphrey.” she answers. 

They end up in Central Park and it strangely reminds her of their very first date after Serena and Nate’s wedding, her arm linked through Dan’s, leaning on his shoulder, feeling the roughness of the ratty wool coat he always insists on wearing. They wander together, slowly, not talking, brushing up against each other, and Blair realizes that the days that she’s happy far outnumber the hard days lately. She has found the balance that she needed in being a mother and a business woman. She pops her little blue pill every morning. She still sees her therapist, although now just once a month, and Dan is there for her. She thinks that her demons are finally beaten back. 

The path they are walking down curves and world is glowing from that filtered, warm evening light that the sun washes everything with just before slipping under the horizon, and they turn a corner and Blair’s mouth falls open. They are standing on the edge of a field and in the middle is a table set with a white linen tablecloth and candles, and off to the side is a string quartet that starts playing the moment they arrive on the scene. The New York skyline is in the background, buildings red and gold from the setting sun. Dan turns to her and looks at her, smiling. 

“Dessert.” he says. 

Bair laughs, entirely surprised because Dan isn’t prone to romantic gestures and he’s somehow managed to pull of the romantic gesture of a lifetime. She smacks him hard on the arm and says his name exasperatedly. 

“Daniel Randolph Humphrey! I was just going to eat some leftover pie. And I’m not dressed up to go out, and this is the most ridiculous, sweet, thoughtful thing you’ve ever done for me.” With those words she wraps her arms around his neck and tilts her face up and kisses him, sweetly, softly, lovingly. They break apart and he touches his forehead to hers and whispers her name. 

“Blair. I love you.”

Blair feels like she might burst from happiness. He escorts her to the table and pulls out the chair for her. The quartet plays. A server appears from somewhere and places a plate with creme brulee on it in front of her. 

“Gigi?” She asks, cracking the hard sugared top with a spoon and digging into the smooth custard.

“Dorota,” Dan says. “The way that woman can conspire, I think she may have been part of the Polish secret service. She’ll put her to bed. We can stay out all night if we want.”

“Oh,” Blair says, partly responding to Dan and partly from the sweet creaminess of the creme brulee on her tongue.

“Or we can stay in all night,” Dan says suggestively. “I got us a room at the The Carlyle. It’s three blocks from the Frick.”

“Dan!” Blair exclaims, overwhelmed by the surprise and the thoughtfulness, “What is all this about? I might think I forgot our anniversary but I know it’s in three weeks.”

He smiles, “It’s a different anniversary. I was kind of counting on you forgetting so I could surprise you. Four years ago I asked you to dance for the first time in fifteen years. I know our anniversary is coming up, but for me that night, that dance was when we really began.”

Blair feels tears on her cheeks. The string quartet starts to play a tune she recognizes and Dan stands up, holding out his hand. She takes it and he pulls her close, pressing her against the length of his body, no space between them, and they move together, arms wrapped around each other, swaying to the tune of The Way You Look Tonight. Dan’s head dips down, his lips capturing Blair’s, her mouth opening under his, their tongues tangling as they kiss, and kiss and kiss some more. At first it’s sweet but it’s not long before things shift and she starts to kiss him back demanding more than just this. Blair moans a little, pulling Dan even closer, pushing against him as she feels desire start to build in her center and he’s hard against her, groaning at the feel of her. His hands start to pull her shirt out from her waistband and Blair grips the rough wool of his coat. Then she pulls away from him, from his mouth, his hands, listening to the way he hitches his breath at the sudden loss of contact. She leans forward a little, their foreheads are touching, her lips feeling bruised and swollen, their chests rise up and down and up and down, the music playing in the background, and it feels like there is nothing but the two of them and this moment. 

“I think we should stay in,” Blair manages to say, feeling slow and heavy with want. Dan nods his agreement. 

“Times like this, I wish you were more open to sex in public,” Dan half gasps and half laughs. Blair smiles at her ridiculous sexy hot husband then realizes that while the Carlyle waits for them with its giant soft beds and impeccable room service, she’s not past fucking her husband in the back of the town car on their way there. She whispers this into Dan’s ear and he groans back at her, “God, you’re beautiful when you're dirty. Well not just then. All of the time, so amazing and I love you so much and, um, I mean..."

Classic Humphrey overthink. Blair smiles at him, loving him so much in that moment she can barely stand it. "I'm an old married lady and I can't keep up being dirty if you keep talking. Shut up and keep kissing me, Humphrey." She grips his hair in her hands, feeling the curls in her fingers and pulling his face to hers and they kiss again. 

Two weeks later Blair feels like she’s experiencing deja vu, and she wants to call Serena and have her tell it’s all going to be okay, wants to run away, want to pretend this isn’t happening again. She’s sitting on the toilet as Dan whistles innocently outside the closed door and she knows he’s putting on his tie and getting ready for the charity event they’re scheduled to attend that night. Blair feels sick, and it’s a different sick feeling than the one that had sent her to the bodega down the street a couple hours ago. Tears sting her eyes and she knows she can’t stay in the bathroom forever.

“Dan?” Blair squeaks, her voice sounding strange and unsteady. She clears her throat and tries again, louder, “DAN!”

He pushes the door open, peering into the room, his face mildly irritated when he sees she’s sitting there, undressed, her gown still hanging on the back of the door. 

“What? The car is coming around soon...you’re not ready…” his voice trails off as he realizes what Blair is holding in her hand. She wanted to call Serena just like last time, but she also doesn’t want this to be like last time, so she holds it up to him, swallowing her fear and Dan stares at it, and a look of confusion, then realization, then the same fear she feels cross over his face, one after the other.

“So, two blue lines?”

“Yes,” Blair says.

“And this means,” Dan says, eyes searching hers.

“Yes,” she says again.

Before Dan might have whooped with joy and grabbed her and told her he couldn’t wait to be a father again, but he doesn’t. He stands, watching her, waiting to see what this really means. Blair doesn’t know because the moment she saw the two blue lines the only thing she could feel was that same old fear. Fear that she would lose herself again. Lose him again. Fear that all of her mistakes and her faults would come crashing down. 

“And it’s okay,” Dan asks carefully, warily. “Are you okay?”

Blair thinks about what he’s asking. It’s not a simple question. It’s everything. 

“I won’t lie,” Blair says, her voice small and quiet. “I’m terrified. I don’t ever want things to get as bad as they were before. But is this okay? Am I okay? Yes, my love. I have you and with you by my side I can face anything.”

With those words Dan dashes forward and grabs her and laughs and cries and he’s kissing her face and her nose and her eyebrows and saying her name over and over and over again.

“Blair Cornelia Humphrey,” he says, pulling back to look at her.

“Waldorf,” she reminds him, smirking a little. “No one is going to buy something from Humphrey Designs. Well, unless they live in Brooklyn. We might have a market in Brooklyn."

“Ha,” Dan says, then starts again, “Blair Cordelia Waldorf-Humphrey,” Blair smiles.

“Daniel Randolph Humphrey,” Blair answers back.

“Queen B,”

“Lonely Boy.”

“Who thought we’d end up here,” Dan asks, kissing her softly on the forehead. 

“Not me,” Blair smiles. “But sometimes life doesn’t lead you where you expected.”

"No kidding," Dan laughs softly, "I think we are two of the luckiest people in the world to have found each other, to have this life, and I can't wait for even more of you, of our family, of us." 

Blair's cheeks are wet. She couldn't wait either. No matter what the future brought,the unlikely pairing of Queen B and Lonely Boy was forever.


	31. Prologue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time goes on. Kids grow up. Queen B and Lonely Boy are forever.

I

Nathanial Randolph Humphrey comes screaming into the world with full force, Blair jumping as they place his red, squalling body on her chest, Dan gripping her hand tightly. Serena cries and hugs Blair when she hears his name. 

II

“Look, it’s out,” Dan says, throwing the magazine on the table in front of Blair, interrupting her morning coffee.

“You seriously didn’t run down and buy a copy, did you Humphrey?”

Dan grins. “Just look.”

Blair glances over the pages. 

“Did they have to use the Mr. Mom cliche? I thought the New Yorker was beyond that.” Blair asks, raising an eyebrow.

“You’re just jealous that I’m a trailblazer, telling men all over the world it’s okay to be an involved dad. I’m all about Dad-power!” Dan answers, making a power fist in the air before grabbing the magazine back. 

“Good thing they didn’t include pictures. They would have seen the peanut butter Natey just smeared all over your comfortable dad-jeans. Do you call it your Dad-power Suit?”

This time Dan was the one throwing toast in her direction and Blair thought he’s not much more civilized than their children. 

“Mooommm! I want to watch another TV show!” Gigi hollers from the other room.

“Don’t yell,” Dan and Blair say together just as they see their toddler son run by followed by an exasperated Dorota.

“This place is a nut house,” Dan says, smiling at her, and Blair thinks how different her children are growing up compared to what it was like to be a kid for her. Crazy, fun days, family vacations, a doting father, a successful businesswoman for a mother, no boarding school, no being left alone with staff for hours on end. 

“I love our nut house,” Blair says to Dan. 

III

“I envisioned this once.” Blair says, leaning over the railing of the balcony, gazing out over the Pacific Ocean, watching the waves break over the beach. She’s watching Eric who is down on the beach with the kids, letting them bury him in the sand, his husband sitting in a beach chair nearby reading a book. 

“Envisioned what?” Dan asked. 

“This. Us. The kids. Being here in Laguna Beach, this house.” He comes up behind her and hands are around her waist, his lips against the back of her neck, and Blair shivers like she does every time he touches her like this. “Every time we come here I feel like I’m too lucky, too blessed, and that I’m living in some sort of amazing dream.”

A small wail reaches their ears and Serena calls from the kitchen telling them that she’ll get the baby, who has woken from her nap. A few moments later she joins them on the deck, holding a entirely bald, chubby baby in her arms. 

“Aunty Serena loves you, Audrey. Yes she does,” Serena murmurs, rubbing her nose on the baby’s forehead. “I can’t believe it took my brother this long to settle down but Aunty Serena is sooooo glad you’re here so she can get her baby fix.”

It’s one big happy family gathering, filling their California home away from home with love and laughter. Serena and Nate came with them for their end-of-summer getaway. Eric and his husband coming from L.A. with their new baby daughter. The older kids play together, the adults cook and drink and talk long into the night. It’s a perfect California dream.

“I can’t believe Natey is going to start kindergarten when we get back.” Blair says as Serena takes the baby back inside. “They’re growing up so fast.”

“We can always have another,” Dan says quietly, his tone serious. Blair thinks for a moment. She’d escaped the darkness after Nathaniel was born, helped by therapy and medication, but she doesn’t know if she wants to risk something happening again, and the kids were going to both be in school and that meant that maybe once in a while she might be able to sneak out early from the office and convince Dan that an afternoon quickie might be in order. 

“No,” Blair says, smiling. “No more kids. We’re exactly perfect just the way we are.”

IV

“Are you nervous?” Blair asks, smoothing the lapels of Dan’s tuxedo. He quirks his mouth in the manner that tells her that he is, although she knows he’s going to tell her he’s not.

“Not at all,” Dan lies. Blair rolls her eyes a little. Stubborn husband, it’s okay to lean on someone every once in a while. 

“You wrote your speech?” She smooths his hair, always unruly, refusing to cooperate, and she thinks that her husband is getting even more handsome with some silver in his hair and a few more wrinkles around his eyes. Distinguished. The way an honored writer should look.

“I wrote it and proofread it and rewrote it, then Nate accidentally deleted it while he was doing his homework, so I wrote it again AND backed it up.”

“And you have the tickets?” Blair asks, hands going back to his lapel, fidgeting with it again.

“Blair!” Dan says quickly, “it’s really going to be okay.”

“It’s just not every night that you get this type of honor. It’s not just an award, it’s other writers saying your work has moved them, and I know it’s moved me, and, oh Dan, I want it to be perfect.”

They are going to the Poets and Writers annual dinner where Dan will be recognized for his third book, published two years ago to critical acclaim. It wasn’t the book he’d planned to write, the follow-up to Inside and Outside, but an entirely new work, although Blair could still see pieces of them woven in and out of the characters. And inside the cover Dan had dedicated to her, Guilliana and Nathaniel, telling the world that they were the driving forces in his life. 

“Gigi and Natey?”

“I got them to Serena’s okay. Gigi has all her homework. Nate is working on programming something for some game on the computer. God, Blair, kids are so smart these days. I never would have done that kind of thing at 10 years old.” Dan starts to put on his bowtie as he keeps talking, “Serena promised to have them in bed on time but knowing Grace and Jack, they’ll probably be up all night no matter what they do.”

“Okay.” Blair says. “The car will be around in a few minutes. I guess we can go get you honored.”

“At least I’ll get a good dinner out of it,” Dan laughs. Blair always find his self-deprecation so amusing. This is a man who has been giving interviews and spent four months last year traveling to book signings, although he insisted he never be away from his family more than two nights at a time, so he never traveled far. Every place he went he picked up a small tourist trinket for Blair: a Seattle Space Needle pencil sharpener, a plastic snow globe from Chicago, and he would return home and present them to her like he’d discovered some sort of rare and valuable object on his travels. She feels like she might burst with pride. Blair comes up behind Dan, who is almost finished with his bow tie, and slips her arms around his waist, inhaling his scent of soap and cologne. 

“If you play your cards right you might get more than just dinner,” Blair says slyly. She’s rewarded with a wolfish grin.

V

“MOM!” 

Gigi shirks away as Blair tries yet again to place the neon pink headband over her dark, curly hair. 

“Are you sure?” Blair asks again, her tone worried, “100% sure this is what you want. Constance wasn’t exactly fun for me.”

“Mom!” Gigi says again, her tone annoyed. “Dad already talked to me three times yesterday. I want to go there. Grace is there. She’s my best friend. I can do the course work. It will be okay.”

“But the girls there, honey. They can be mean. Really mean. I should know. I think I was the meanest of them all.”

“Dad said they called you Queen B.”

He still calls her Queen B sometimes, when he’s feeling playful and wicked and wants to convince her to stop working and spend some time “bumping uglies” with him. Blair teases him, telling him that surely her writer husband has a better grasp of the English language to use something besides such a crass line to woo her into bed, not that it wasn’t working. Dan tells her they have a high schooler now and he’s been checking out Urban Dictionary in his spare time. She had let him pull her up and lead her into their bedroom, telling him that if they woke the kids this time she would really kill him. He responded that he hopes they do.

“Yes,” Blair says. “They did call me that, but it wasn’t right. You’re going to be better than me, right Guilliana?”

Her daughter nods, eyes bright, hair combed perfectly, dressed in the familiar Constance uniform, a few pieces added to make it her own. She is strong and confident and Blair thinks that it’s true that every generation improves on the last. 

“Now, your dad is walking you to school.”

“Argh,” Gigi looks irritated but Blair knows it’s just a show. She and her father are very close and she will always give into to most of the crazy things Dan wants to do, “I knew he was going to be annoying about this.”

“Humor him. He’s a boring adult and needs you to be gentle sometimes. It’s his little girl’s first day of high school.”

Gigi rolls her eyes, looking so much like the teenager she is. Blair wonders how that baby she can barely remember holding in her arms has gotten so big and grown up, and she knows it’s not long before she and Dan will let one of their children start to learn to fly on her own. But that’s not today. Today it’s just the beginning of high school and Blair grabs the headband off the dressing table where Gigi has discarded it. 

“And you really should wear the headband. It’s like the Constance code that all girls wear headbands. I wore them…”

“Kind of the point mom,” Gigi smiles. “YOU wore them. It’s NOT 2007 anymore.”

VI

Blair looks in the mirror at her reflection and sees a face that she doesn’t entirely recognize staring back at her. It’s older, a little more weathered, the planes a little shaper, the edges not quite as smooth. Her hair is pulled back into a smooth, sophisticated bun that sits at the nape of her neck., a few tendrils escaping and framing her face. Around her neck is a string of black pearls, a gift for her 50th birthday from Dan. She touches them lightly and remembers how he’d surprised her with them at dinner. 

The door to their bedroom opens and Dan walks in wearing his tuxedo shirt and pants, the collar undone. He walks up behind her and leans down to place a soft kiss on her cheek.

“Gigi called. She made it back to school okay and her first day of classes went well. They’re going to have a fashion show at the end of the quarter and she wants us to come.” 

Blair fastens her black pearl earring to one ear then picks up the other and glances in the mirror at Dan.

“I can’t believe it’s been twenty years,” she says as she puts on the second earring. He glances at her reflection appreciatively and she knows he approves of the simple black sheath she picked for this night. 

“Twenty years, Blair Waldorf-Humphrey, and I swear, you look more amazing today than you did back then. And I love when you wear black. It always reminds me of our wedding day.”

Dan is wearing the uniform of the Upper East Side, a black tuxedo. He holds out his hard and Blair stands and links her arm through his. She picks up a beaded black clutch from the dressing table. They stand together, looking in the mirror for just a moment.

“We do make a very nice couple,” Blair says, glancing up at Dan’s face. He smiles back at her. “We always have.”

Dorota peeks her head into their room, reminding them that the car is arriving in 10 minutes and they need to get downstairs.

“Let’s say goodbye to Nate,” Dan says to her as he shrugs on his tuxedo jacket. They walk down the hallway of the penthouse to their son’s room, both sticking their heads in the doorway at the sametime. Their teenage son is sprawled on the bed, his laptop open, and Blair is struck again how much he looks like Dan, with his same soulful eyes and uncontrollable mop of curly hair. 

“We’re going,” Dan says and Nate looks up.

“Oh. Have a good time. Gigi and I are just skyping for a few minutes before she heads off to a party.”

Blair hears her daughter’s tinny voice screech in protest at her little brother’s reveal of her plans for the night and she knows that her daughter is above all a responsible young woman who will take care of herself no matter what.”

“Just don’t smoke too much weed,” Dan calls out and Blair hears another screech, followed by a long wail of, ‘Daaaaaaadddddd!!!”

“You know, you’re not as cool as you think you are,” Nate says, raising an eyebrow at Dan as he throws a wadded up dirty sock at him.

“The car,” Blair reminds Dan, pulling on his arm. “We don’t want to be late.”

Blair is quiet at the car makes its way to the party. She’s remembering a day long ago when she threw a cream colored invitation on her console table in her old Paris apartment then turned and picked it up again. “You know how you said you almost didn’t ask me to dance,” she says, glancing over at Dan’s profile. Dan smile and tells her he is very glad he made a different decision. “Well, I almost didn’t even go to the wedding.”

“Really?” Dan cocks an eyebrow at her, his face filled with curiosity.

“Yeah. I was busy and I had fashion week coming up and Serena had been out of my life for so long, I almost just sent a nice gift and called my obligation done.”

“Ha,” Dan laughs. “Look at us. I almost didn’t ask you to dance. You almost didn’t even come. I’m so glad you decided to blow off fashion week. There was no way I was going to miss that particular wedding.”

“Well, you were kind of in the wedding party.” Blair reminds him. Of course he would have gone.

Dan laughs again, “Technicalities, Waldorf. Even if I hadn’t been, I would have been there. I was hoping I might see you.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. I never had really let you go. All those years. You were the one I always wondered how things might have been if things had worked out differently.”

Blair smiles at her husband. “Same for me, my love, same for me.” She leans across the seat of the town car and kisses him softly on the lips. 

“What if I had decided to stay and work and sent a nice gift?” Blair asks. “Where would we be now?”

Dan looks at her and Blair can tell he’s thinking.

“Well,” he starts, “maybe you and Chuck would have gotten back together.”

Blair makes a face at him. She can’t even imagine being married to Chuck now. He and Eva had finally tied the knot about five years ago and they lived a fabulous jet-setting lifestyle, the kind that teenage Blair would have dreamed of, but now it seems too busy and too chaotic. She knows now that what she’d been looking for her entire life was not glamour or money but stability, and she’d found that in the solid foundation that she and Dan had built together, and with their close and loving family. 

“You might still be in California,” Blair says, “a failed screenwriter dating wannabe models.”

Now it’s Dan’s turn to make a face at her as he reaches across the town car and takes her hand in his. His hand is warm and strong and as always Dan feels like home.

The car pulls up outside the Met and they get out, walking up the stairs and into the cavernous space of the great hall. Blair leans on Dan as they make their way up to the balcony where they can hear the sounds of a big band playing. The music echoes in the giant space. The arches and marble mosaic floor never fail to take Blair’s breath away and she thinks that of course Serena would pick the perfect place for their party. On the balcony a smattering of tables are set up around the dance floor. A host greets them and says that dinner will be served in a half hour but they are free to enjoy As soon as they leave their coats at the coat check Dan turns to her and puts his hand out. 

“Would you like to dance, Mrs. Humphrey?”

Blair doesn’t correct him. To him, she’s Mrs. Humphrey, of the Brooklyn Humphreys, a most esteemed family. “Of course,” she smiles. He leads her to the dance floor, his hand lightly touching her shoulder, then she is in his arms and they are swaying to the slow beat. 

“You look really beautiful tonight,” Dan whispers into her ear. Blair pulls him even closer and tilts her head up to look at him as he tilts his head down. She wants to remember this moment forever. The music shifts and the tempo speeds up and all around them couples pull apart and start to move faster, but Dan and Blair stay wrapped up in each other, swaying, until someone bumps into Blair from behind. Blair turns around to see Serena in Nate’s arms, her smile brilliant and glowing.

“Can you believe it’s been twenty years?” she calls happily, “You two are the BEST anniversary gift we could have ever asked for,” Serena laughs as Nate pulls her away from them and back across the dance floor. Blair smiles softly, ducking her head to nestle it into Dan’s chest. Serena is kind of right. Their friendship is worth more than anything and Blair thinks they will probably send all their kids to college and attend weddings and grow old together, and maybe someday they’ll be sitting at the Archibald house in the Hamptons reminiscing about a lifetime of friendship. 

But Serena is also wrong, because she and Nate are actually the gift. If they had never found each other, fallen in love and decided to get married, Blair would have never received a wedding invite. Dan would have never escorted Penelope down the aisle as Blair stared at him, memorizing him. Dan would have never asked her to dance. Life would have gone on, and maybe Blair would have been successful in her business and maybe Dan would have written an oscar winning screenplay, but their lives would have never been together. 

Dan and Blair sway together a little longer, not caring whether or not they are moving to the music, until Dan pulls away from her a little and touches her chin with his fingers, tipping her face up to him.

“I have a surprise,” he says softly. “I think you’re going to like it.”

He takes her by the hand and pulls her back towards the entrance, down the staircase into the great hall and then out the door. They are standing on the stop of the steps, looking out into the night, and Blair releases Dan’s hand and wraps her arms around herself, shivering a little. The air is chilly but fresh, the scents of spring lingering underneath the usual smells of the city. She can hear traffic in the distance and the night sky is clear. 

Dan would usually offer her his coat but instead he reaches into an inside pocket and pulls out something wrapped in a dark cloth.

“Gigi found this while she was home from school,” he says as he unwraps it. “and I knew we’d be coming here tonight, and it made me think of this amazing day years and year ago. Way before Serena and Nate’s wedding. When were were young and very foolish.”

Dan finishes unwrapping the object and holds it out to her and when Blair sees it she gasps and feels tears spring up in her eyes. Cradled in his palms is a tiara. It’s a little tarnished and not quite as shiny as it used to be, but Blair recognized it right away.

“Oh Dan,” Blair whispers. “that day. It was the most perfect day.” 

“It was,” Dan says, closing the distance between them, reaching up to place the tiara on her head. Blair remembers how she felt that day: happy, in love, beloved. It’s how she feels around Dan every day. Blair reaches up, wrapping her arms around her husband’s neck, fingers weaving into the unruly curls at the nape of his neck that he refuses to cut and she pull his face down to hers until they are kissing. At first it is sweet, just like that day, until Dan licks at her lips with his tongue and she opens her mouth and the kiss gets deeper, wetter, and Blair moans. At the sound of her moan Dan breaks their kiss and they stand there, wrapped around each other, staring into each others eyes, chests rising up and down. Blair thinks it’s amazing how much she can want this man all these years later, and how scandalized their kids would be if they saw their old, boring parents making out on the steps of the Met. 

Blair clears her throat, “Dinner is going to be served soon,”

“I know,” Dan says, “And Nate and Serena will probably want us to be there. Nate said something about me making a toast.”

Blair sighs. They don’t have the luxury of following their desires at the moment, but she thinks they probably have a few more minutes before they go back to the party, where they will have to mingle and talk to people and they can’t keep being only about each other. She wraps one arm around Dan’s waist and smiles at him.

“Maybe we can just walk for a little bit before we go back?”

Dan smiles, “that sounds perfect.”

Blair links her arm through his and they walk down the steps together then down the sidewalk, together, happy, married and in love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back to the Met steps. Dair forever.


End file.
